My amazing partner has depression and I am at my wits end

[Postivevibes]

Hi,

My amazing partner and best friend who I have been with for 3 years now has severe depression he only came out about it 8 months ago when he had left the navy and we moved in together full time. It breaks my heart seeing him this way he puts a brick wall between us he stops talking and just sits in silence he speaks to me rudely I don't even look forward to coming home after a huge day of work I dread walking in the door because I just know he will be feeling down and be moping around I try so hard to help him suggest going to the doctors or possibly anti depressants but he doesn't think it will help it makes matters worse that at the moment he is in financial difficulty I don't know what to do anymore he is my best friend and when he is not depressed he is so amazingly funny and loving and caring and I miss him so much the old him. I sometimes just feel like leaving but I feel too guilty I am naturally a happy person full of happiness and positivity but I am so emotionally drained and exhausted I feel like I am his support person but who is mine???

I feel so alone and just sad but I can't let him see me like that because I know it will just make it worse! 

Help please someone anyone 😞 

[Zeal]

Hi Positivevibes,

I'm sorry to hear about your partner - this is a tough situation. The best advice I can think of is to persist with getting him professional help. He may be agitated and resistant, but this is crucial for his long-term mental health. Has he completely stopped his commitment with the navy? Do you think his depression is worsening partly because of this major change in his life? If he is currently not working, or doing something he doesn't enjoy, this will most likely be making matters worse.

I suggest sitting down with your partner when he is in an emotionally stable mood, and explaining that you would love to see him happy again. Tell him you would like to make him an appointment with a GP (assuming you are happy doing this), so that he can talk things through with them. Emphasise that he doesn’t have to agree on any specific treatment during this appointment, and that it’s just to explain his situation. This will hopefully encourage him to consider it. If you can, drive your partner to the appointment to make sure he gets there. Perhaps you two could go to an appointment together once he’s had some one-on-one sessions.

Your partner may need to take antidepressants, but not every depression sufferer does. There are specific brands/types of antidepressants which have very minimal side effects, and can safely be taken for a lengthy period. Your partner may be referred to a psychologist or counsellor for further help.

Stick by your partner, and keep supporting him like you are already doing. It must be hard for you to live with, seeing as you are a contented person. If he gets the right help, he will more than likely overcome his depression and return to how he felt before sinking into depression.

Good luck and best wishes,

SM

[Rothy]

Hello. I have know solution for you but I know how you feel being somebody rock is difficult. Simply because you aren't a rock. You're a human. And all the negativity does rub off on you and you have no outlet. I said to my wife in a counseling session that I think she has depression and anxiety issues still plaguing her. In that situation she admitted it (she had denied it in the past) and has book her own counseling on topof our couples.

I would think that a person with depression would see no way out. Is might seem silly but have you asked him to come to a couples counseling for you're benefit.  I'd be careful though. If he thinks he is dragging you down too he may react badly towards himself. 

[geoff]

dear Postivevibes, PV if I can abbreviate your user name, but please tell me if you don't want me to.

So often people who leave the force whether it's army or navy don't have much support when they leave and suffer from depression.

It's always seems to be good that the government say 'join the army/navy because money is good, eduction is good, dental work or medical work is done for free and so it goes on, but when they leave either because they want to or unfortunately they have an injury what help or support do they get, well it's minimal and most end up with depression.

I maybe over empathising this but it does happen because the change is enormous or what they have had to experience is something that they would rather not think or talk about, so there lays the problem.

The dreaded feeling of walking in the door when your spouse or partner has depression is never a comforting experience, because you never know what is going to happen.

From what you say he seems to be at 2 minds here, because he hasn't actually denied that he has depression, and that's good, but how he is thinking is a lot like many of us, we never believe that a psych could ever help us, so you could say that perhaps he needs to have someone where he can talk to someone which is confidential, and actually this is where the government should step in and help him, whether this happens or not I don't know.

There is a weak point in his analogy which could be broken, because he thinks that by seeing a psych isn't going to help him, but how would he know unless he has tried seeing one.

I would suggest for you to click under 'resources' at the top of the page where you can order 'all the printed material' from BB it's all free, but it describes all the facets of any type of depression, and perhaps he may read it, probably not straight away, but every now and then have a glance through it.

There will be topics for the both of you which would interest you, and it's well worth getting.

I'm running out of characters so I'll post this of to you but would love to hear back from you. L Geoff. x

[Poohy]

Hi positivibes. I know exactly how you feel. I have been with my boyfriend for 5 years. He is a recovering alcoholic that has depression and as a result keeps lapsing. He is on anti depressants and goes to counselling already.  he is an amazing person. But then something will set him off and he goes off the rails. He is verbally nasty and takes off and just disappears for days on end. I dont know where he is or if hes ok. nothing. hes uncontactable. I don't know what to do anymore. I want to keep supporting him but after 5 years I just don't know if I want to spend the rest of my life like this. The thing is but, I love him with all my heart. I feel your pain. I can't talk to anybody cause you know all the advice your going to get is to leave him. I don't know the answer but I feel so lonely and friendless, like no one else cares or understands. 

[Pixie15]

Hi Positivevibes,

Welcome to the forums. I can relate to some of what you have written in your post. My partner was in the military when I met him. The training and discipline I think had a positive effect on his behavior although he was never really happy there.

He has never been really happy anywhere. Because I am basically a positive person who will try to take the best of every situation I have done a lot to adapt to his preferences. A lot of things which I did in retrospect were not really good for either of us. Apparently it is possible to be overly nice.

You can not really do anything for your partner if he does not want to believe that he needs help and is willing to seek it for himself. If you pressure him too much it will just make him angry and resentful of you. If staying in the relationship puts your own health and well-being at risk then I think it is your responsibility to look after yourself and take a break.

If your partner is in financial difficulties try and keep your own finances as separate at you can. It is not your responsibility to bail him out for unpaid debts. My partner will spend his last cent on the next thing that he believes will make him feel better. It never does.

It is for you to decide if you want to continue the relationship. However I do not think it will do either of you any good to stay out of a sense of obligation and guilt.

Sorry if I have not been much help.

Grateful.