My adult son has been anxious, depressed and using drugs since 16 (he's 27) and won't seek help

[Mum of adult children]

My first post. Long story, my poor boy. He suffered through a bitter divorce and left my home at 25 to live with his dad. Hasn't worked for four years,won't sign on for unemployment benefits, had had drug dependence, is utterly resistant to seeking help. I waver between just accepting him and trying to help with food and transport to urging him and proposing medical help. Nothing seems to work. I try to encourage his dad to take action, but he is also isolated and despite his high income, chooses to live in a badly maintained, squalid house. I'm beyond frustrated at my sick son's refusal to trust me or his dad with his problems or seek help.

Live tried urging his dad to try removing wifi access and negotiate some rules about earning the right to play computer games, but he won't. I've bought my son a car hoping he could earn by Uber driving but he can't won't get set up. I've paid for courses, encouraged, continue to call and cook meals, tried to intervene and got angry, backed off. My husband now suggests I just accept and stop trying to help. What should I do?

[james1]

Hello there,

Welcome and I'm so sorry to hear you're struggling with the mental illness of your son. It can be very hard to see our loved ones struggle.

I am 25 and I wanted to, maybe, give you an opinion as a son who is struggling, as well as someone who has cared for others as well with mental illness.

I think there's only ever so much that carers can do and often that is the most heartbreaking thing when you know, that you can't do anything, but you want to.

Most often, the best way is to be supportive but not intrusive unless the person is in danger. At some level, you need to trust that they will "come good" in the end, because the more you noticeably worry, the more they feel like you don't trust them. That they are a burden.

So we need to show them that we will always be there for them, and that means being available and trusting. We can't force them to do something. Instead, we need to empower them to do it themselves and this often takes time - for some, more time than others. But it all does begin with putting trust and responsibility back on them.

You sound pretty exhausted by it all. BeyondBlue actually provides help for carers as well because, as we know, mental health is taxing on everyone impacted.

Have you seen these links:

https://www.beyondblue.org.au/the-facts/supporting-someone/supporting-someone-with-depression-or-anxiety

https://www.beyondblue.org.au/the-facts/supporting-someone/looking-after-yourself

James

[geoff]

hello Mum, I had replied back to you yesterday, but the moderators didn't allow it to go through, so I'm very sorry about that, so I'll have to adjust what I said, however there will be parts of yesterday's reply I so wanted you to get, but unfortunately I can't.
You have to decide whether or not you still want to provide your son with what you have given him, because it hasn't helped him nor you in trying to achieve your goal, I know you are in a desperate situation, but perhaps you could contact Reachout who have people dressed in casual clothes and may approach this from another angle. Geoff.

[Mum of adult children]

Hi Geoff, thanks for your reply. I googled Reachout but it seems to be for under 25's. My son is 27. Nevertheless maybe I'm missing something. The thing is, my son refuses to seek help or even talk about his problems with me or his dad. I'm thinking maybe acceptance and support is all I should be doing for my son.

[Mum of adult children]

Hi James, thank you so much for your reply. I really appreciate your advice and have reached a better understanding as a result of that and reading some more information. I'm doing ok and am lucky to have a loving husband and wonderful daughter and step children who are all understanding of our family's heartache. My blood pressure could be better and I've got a plan to manage that, so life for me is positive. I am the sort of person that always acts somehow if there is a problem and it's hard not to push my son to act. I'll have to focus on encouragement. I also can't ofcourse force my son's dad to change, although I can't help feeling the life the two of them lead in their squalid home is not helpful. It's depressing to just be there and obvious there are no regular activities going on to clean, maintain or improve their home. I feel like simple regular chores and tasks are theraputic to depressed people and they aren't happening at all.

Anyhow, thanks once again. My best wishes for your journey.

[geoff]

hi Mum, I wish my first post went through, never mind it didn't, but if you want to support him as well as accept him for what he's doing, then nothing is going to change. Geoff.

[Mum of adult children]

Hi Geoff, I'm a bit unsure what you mean - I don't really understand. Can you explain a bit more what your advice is please? Thanks

[geoff]

hi Mum, I'm not totally sure why my reply didn't go through, but I'll try and explain in a simple way, but I have to be careful, otherwise it won't go through.
What I said was to firstly apologise to you for what I had said, and I did this a couple of times because it may have upset you or offended you, it was for you to stop all the funding for your son, he has to realise that no one is going to help him until he puts his hand and says 'help'.
This is going to be very upsetting for you to see him struggle like this, but when any drug addict goes through rehab that's what does happen to them, to try and break their habit.
Again I'm very sorry to mention this, but you can't keep providing for him because he's not going to break his addiction. Geoff.

[Mum of adult children]

Hi Geoff, I see what you mean. No I don't provide any funds to my son, but I have purchased things for him. Not sure what money his dad may provide. I can't influence that. Yes, he needs to learn to ask for help and mean it.

Thanks for replying.

[geoff]

hi Mum, I was afraid I may have lost you and worried if I did, but thanks for replying.
You're right it's difficult to know what his father provides for him, and if he readily hands out money to him then it's going to be a battle for you to try and help him overcome his addiction.
I know how you feel because when I was in depression I self medicated with alcohol, (not now I only drink socially thank goodness) but I could just imagine what my wife and 2 sons thought hoping that I would listen to them and stop, that only happened when I was divorced and living on my own, my depression lifted and woke up.
I'm truly sorry for my wife and sons for what I did, that's easy to say in hindsight, but my r/ship with my 2 sons is great, they often ask me for advice, and I still talk with my ex as if nothing had happened.
I truly admire you for your courage and also feel disappointed for you. Geoff.