Moving forward in a difficult (at times) relationship

daisy33 · ‎07-10-2014

Hi ... my first visit and I'm humbled by many of the posts I've read and amazed at the courage of people who are living with mental illness and that of the people who love them.

I wasn't quite sure which forum to post in and I chose this one because my issue is essentially a relationship one. My partner was diagnosed with Bipolar II 3 years ago, we've been together 5 years, and we're in our 60s. We're both lucky - we work full time in satisfying jobs and we're healthy and active. He understands his illness and how difficult it can be for both of us, and we are able to talk openly about it. I love my partner very much and when he's well we get along very well and enjoy life together. But of course there's the down side. We've had many problems with his behaviour, and the way I react to it, and we've split up several times - most recently 4 months ago at the time of my brother's death. The time we've spent apart has confirmed for me that I love him and want to work together to make our relationship the best it can be. Not just go back to the way we were ... stumbling along really ... enjoying the good times and not at all handling the bad times.

He's very happy for us to give it another go but nervous that when he has an episode, we'll separate again and there'll be more heartache. I’m nervous as well, but I want to commit for the long term and I feel positive about moving forward. I've been reading a lot about BP2 and increasing my understanding. I know there'll be more challenging times ahead, and I'm sure we'll need some support and help with managing those times. I think a good counsellor is what we need but feel quite overwhelmed about finding the right person.

white knight · ‎07-10-2014

Hi Daisy33, welcome to this forum,

You issue is a MH issue IMO more so than a relationship issue. I have BP2 also as well as anxiety, dysthymia and depression. I hinesty cant most times separate the four. Manic, anxious, etc...which one comes with which illness.? So I dont know if I can help you but I'm so glad you posted here.

Firstly you might consider some ground rules (my wife and I call it a "pact". That regardless of the situation when in an elevated argument we-

- do not leave our property

- allow each other space

- when one of us feels its times to break the silence one can offer the other a drink. If the person being offered rejects that offer then they can do so nicely and give a timeframe "thankyou in about half an hour will be fine".

At that cuppa time we discuss the issues calmly.

It works for us.

Finding the "right" counsellor isnt that hard, most are good at what they do. Try them out. Also I've written one thread here about carers for sufferers. that regardless of their condition they can help the carer too. It shouldnt be a one way street of care.

Have a chat to his psych. My episodes stopped once on mood stabilisers and a very small amount of AD's the latter for depression.

You say you love him very much, this alone is a good reason to sick with him and persevere but dont be afraid of seeking changes to medication. Read as much as you can here on this forum, its a wealth of information. Welcome again and dont be afraid to post as often as you like.

Take care.

AGrace · ‎08-10-2014

Hi Daisy33,

Welcome, and thank you for sharing with us.

WhiteKnight, as you can see, has a lot of experience with BP2, and has given you a great reply. I can see that he has mentioned for you to have a chat with your partner's Psychiatrist/Psychologist. Is your partner still seeing a therapist on a regular basis? If so, then rather than add an additional therapist in the mix, perhaps make the suggestion to your partner that you work on this together with his therapist.

I give my partner 24hr access to both my Psychiatrist and Psychologist. We also share the same GP, and this all makes it a lot easier. When we've had issues in the past, particularly to do with our relationship, we arrange to see my Psychiatrist together.

Let your partner know that you want to be a part of his treatment team, and that you yourself are not perfect - no one is, but that you want to be equipped to manage situations as best you can. I also think be genuine, as you have been with us here. It sounds like you understand his fear around the relationship breaking every time things get really rough, keep communication around this really open.

Another really good idea that my Psychologist came up with was a Relapse Prevention/Crisis Management Plan. She made my partner work on it with me so we were both involved. You can find templates for these on the Centre for Clinical Interventions Website.

I hope this is helpful.

AGrace