Married to a Police Officer

[Mrs_Sergeant]

Anyone else live with a Police Officer?

We've been having problems for years, but 12 months ago we both went to the Dr & were prescribed mood stabilisers. I'm still taking them & feel great. Husband took his for a few months, kept forgetting, stopped & then started again & then took them sometimes & now he's decided he "doesn't need them" & has been off them for months. He knows that you aren't supposed to do that. So in a nutshell, he's an absolute grouch. (Only to me though, not to the kids)

Yes, we've tried counselling in the past. NO, he will never go again. NO, I can't go alone. TOO expensive, NO babysitters.

We have a viscous circle where, quite bluntly, if I don't have sex with him he treats badly, but then if I do have sex with him I don't feel much of a change in his approach towards me, so I put a wall up & don't really want to get close to him in a sexual way.

He gets annoyed with ME because I want to tidy the house when people come over. He thinks I'm OCD. (Trust me, our house is FAR from perfect. We have 2 small kids.) Gets annoyed because I won't cook him a fried breakfast on the weekend. (A) it's unhealthy B) it's time consuming & C) I have too much to do rather than just create more mess.)

We went to lunch at a club recently. He asked if I was going to play keno & I said no thanks. Got annoyed & called me boring. (We had played Keno the weekend before and had a nice win, but I don't feel the need to play often.)

I'm always the last one to sit down of an evening but basically, in his mind I'm lazy and boring and do nothing. (I'm a mother of 2, who works outside the home 3 days a week & is currently preparing our house for renovation AND we have lots of family & friends who we see often so I'm the only one who organises these gatherings. Yep, I don't do MUCH!)

He's a police sergeant & I will never understand the pressures he's under, but I can appreciate his work is stressful. I do as much as I can around the house & with the children, to relieve his stress. I'm certain he self medicates with alcohol. He drinks every night. Minimum 4-6 drinks. He doesn't get angry or aggressive.

When trying to negotiate decisions for our home renovation he gets really impatient. I'm trying to calmly share ideas & he gets really short with me. Accuses me of "taking over" or "wanting everything my way." His communication with me is terrible. That being said, the department he's in for work DEPENDS on excellent, detailed related communication!

Thoughts?

[white knight]

Hi, Mrs Sergeant,

Well, this little black duck has some idea of where your husbands moods are coming from. Over 42 years I've worked ay RAAF, prison officer at Pentridge (shift work), Council ranger enforcing laws, security officer (shift work), Control room operator (shift work) and private investigator in my own business (18 years).

And during those shift work periods I worked with many men and some women. So I know how many could handle shifts and who couldnt. Many couldnt including me. Moody, I sure was.

Add to the shift work is the stress. For some time I was a security guard at a jail and at a major Melbourne hospital. How do you explain to your spouse the results of people coming into hospital in the condition they are in? Then there is the internal politics, the colleague you cant trust, the physical interventions police do? The lack at times of the bosses support.  Well thats his side and I wouldnt be a police officer for quids.

Then he comes home. Tiredness breeds moodiness. He can sleep during the day but it never is enough and it never is the same as night time sleep. He drinks a bit to numb the effects of his job. He has expectations of you to balance his job stresses. eg the keno remark that you are boring.

I can describe his stresses or where they come from but I cant offer advice on what to do about it. You'll have to do a lot of thinking about that. Perhaps asking what medium to long terms plans you both can make?, he gets a lot of leave off yearly so what about holidays? Caravanning?, Camping?, make heaps of suggestions and wait for a bite. But dont say "I'm making all these suggestions and you dont agree with any of them".  Allow it to ride if he picks none. Keep suggesting. 

Most marriages rely on a balance of things. His grumpiness about you getting the house in order- pull back a little, have a lass or two of wine and relax. He cant complain as it is his request. Good luck with it. It isnt easy being the wife of a police officer.

[Mrs_Sergeant]

Fantastic response, white knight. Lots for me to consider. Thanks. 🙂

[CrashCoyote]

Dear Mrs Sergeant,

I am a retired NSW police officer. Thirty years, half as a Sergeant and always operational (on the street).

I have PTSD, a string of physical injuries received in the line of duty, two failed marriages and definitely self medicated (and sometimes still do) with alcohol.

White Knight has quite correctly mentioned shift work and in that sense, it probably isn't just police that get moody from poor sleeping and eating patterns. I cannot presume to speak for your husband but I can say how it was for me.

I worked in pretty violent areas and was often at physical risk. I saw a lot of people seriously injured and dead, including children. People have died right in front of me. I saw a lot of people whose lives were a real mess, things that are hard to imagine unless you see them or live them. I admit that many people on this site probably do understand those lifestyles of violence, abuse, hunger and uncertainty. 

I became close to my colleagues. Anyone that shares such risks tends to bond. I got to a point where I believed my partner and family couldn't understand me but my workmates could. Also, I didn't want my partner or kids to really think I was in danger routinely. Of course, police are supposed to be tough and outwards signs of weakness are frowned upon. Once upon a time they were career suicide!

I liked sex with my partner, it was a relief. I also felt safe when I was in her arms. In fact, home was the only place I ever felt (and still feel) where I am at the least risk. Not getting that release just meant the pressure built. I am not advocating non consensual sex, just describing the impact of having sex or not.

The good news is, times have changed and if your husband has depression or anxiety from work, it is a work related injury and he is entitled to workers' comp for treatment. If you are in NSW, avoid the Employee Assistance Programme (EAP). It is designed for non-work related issues, such as struggling with the loss of a loved one. It is limited.

Your partner may refuse to seek help. Most do until it is too late. I would urge you to get him to call the Welfare Branch or it's equivalent, or better yet, the Police Association (Union) in your state. If he doesn't, you can call them and see what your options are.

I am sorry I couldn't paint a brighter picture. Your situation is familiar to me and common within policing. Still, forewarned is forearmed. It won't be easy but it is a place to start.

Kind regards, John.

[Mrs_Sergeant]

Hi John, Thanks your reply was great. It definitely made a lot of sense to me. It is still difficult though, being understand, patient and loving to a partner who can be an a-hole one minute and expect me to be nice to him the next minute.

I'd love him to seek help, but alas, I'm not sure he will. He has also warned me not to go calling any of his colleagues or his boss because he'll get his firearm taken off him. So I really don't want to put his position in jeopardy.

[CrashCoyote]

Hi Mrs Sergeant,

He doesn't have to inform the police if that is his biggest hurdle. He can contact this site or see his GP and get a referral to a psychologist if the GP thinks he needs to see one. Of course, it will be at his own expense if he chooses that path.

I understand how hard it is for you and how you proceed is up to you. You cannot force him to counselling but maybe if he sees how much

damage it is doing to your relationship it may improve his willingness to try. Try to remember that he is still the same guy underneath it all. Like just about everyone else on here, his demons are not of his own doing and he can't even see how it is affecting him.

If it escalates to violence in the home (I hope not) and you or the neighbours complain, they will take his

gun off him, anyway. Think of it like an alcoholic, it starts off with getting blotto and winds up with driving a car and getting done for drink driving or worse. Plenty of cops have been done for that.

Please understand that the earlier you make your decisions - whatever they are - the easier it will be to get your life/lives back to normality. If it festers, it will just get worse and these things seem to end in only a few options;

1/ He is already an alcoholic (high functioning maybe, but one none the less) and it is unlikely in today's police force that his workmates will shield him from his mistakes. They'll probably be placed in the unenviable position of having to arrest and charge him some day. (I would have died of shame if that had ever happened to me!)

2/ You'll end up leaving him because of who he becomes, especially if he starts spending increasing amount of off duty hours away from home. (Gambling, booze and/or mistresses are the usual distractions.)

3/ He'll do himself in.

You said communication is terrible. I would suggest to you that a

failure to communicate is bad news in any marriage, no matter what other issues are going on.

I am not a panic merchant. After a lifetime of managing minor disasters in society, I learnt to keep perspective. When I tell you your situation is precarious and the need for action is urgent, please don't under estimate me. 

I'll keep an eye on your posts.

Kind regards, John.

[white knight]

Hi Mrs Sergeant,

Glad you are getting lots of advice especially from an ex police officer- cant match that eh. Top answers Crash Coyote

Just one suggestion. One on of his rostered days off, get the kids minded, tell him not to fill that day with anything and book in an exciting time. I dont know about your city but in Melbourne they have hot air balloon flights, trike rides around the city or a parachute flight. Then at 2000 feet up ask him if he thinks you're boring. lol. Be unpredictable just occasionally.

[geoff]

dear Mrs, Sergeant, my hands are tied, but this has been an interesting post and both WK and John have given you some good replies, so I'm not arguing.

It's funny as I go down to the park in the morning at some ungodly hour of 3 am and there are people down there as well, plus I meet a guy down there who is my mechanic, but has lost 2 brothers, 1 last year and another one this year so he's having a difficult time so we talk, however the police at first often call past us and ask what we are doing, now they know us, but they always check my car which is parked away from us.

I have been breath tested but they say to me 'why am I up at this hour', just walking the dog and keeping you guys company.

Working shift work must be awful, however along with this there has to be a compromise because mum's work is always 24/7, and unfortunately some people think that a mum has plenty of time on their hands, which they don't, excuse me there's a knock on my door, I'm just being hand cuffed .lol L Geoff. x

[white knight]

Hi Mrs Sergeant

Time to cheer you up a little

SECURITY GUARD

I'm just a bored security guard

in the depths of the darkest night

I scratch my left side botty

with my left hand then my right

And in circle I do walk

in circles with some flair

the turn around every hour

so my left shoe doesnt wear

So I pick a worn out pencil

and write a poem with delight

something to break the boredom

in the middle of the night

and just as my mind is about to close

the sun begins to shine

and they expect us to be at our best

when they are at their prime

I'm just a bored security guard

in the depths of the darkest night

I scratch my left side botty

    -with my left hand then my right.....

[CrashCoyote]

Hello Mrs Sergeant,

I am thinking of you. Cyber support is better than no support!

Kind regards, John.