Long distance relationship with a girl who has major depression, social anxiety and is still recovering from anxiety post hospital

[Jaicob]

Hey all,

I've always been reluctant to reach out over the years having dealt with my own depressive times and difficulties, but my girlfriend who I've known for 3 years and as of the last 6/8 months has become a serious relationship things have gotten really stressful. She often has tried to push me away, make me feel like rubbish and because I try to always understand it just brings me down.

I recently went over to see her (she lives in the UK and I live in Australia) I was there for 6 weeks, we had quite a few major things come up that we sorted and dealt with. But after leaving lots of other things came up, she told me she felt I didn't love her, I wasn't showing her enough attention for her to believe I like her or I didn't show her enough attention or compliment her or wasn't affectionate enough and it made her feel like I didn't like her or wasn't attracted to her physically.

I always try and try to understand why she feels this way... but I need to know how I can support her better or understand how she feels or at least find ways to discuss with her how she feels so that we aren't or I'm not constantly feeling unhappy and like I'm not being a good man to her...

I feel like maybe I'm starting to develop anxiety and depression myself at many times due to my thoughts and feelings...

but that all aside i just really would love and appreciate any information or support on how I can understand depression/anxiety or anorexia and what others have experienced by being with a partner with any of these mental illnesses..

thankyou

[Jaicob]

Sorry i meant she is recovering from anorexia post hospital, she is physically recovered but mentally the illness still wreaks havoc on her thoughts and everyday life

[JessF]

Hello Jaicob, I'm sorry but the reality is you cannot support her sufficiently as a partner from the other side of the world. Do you have any plans to move to the UK, or her to Australia? How do you see this relationship developing in the future?

[Jaicob]

Hey there Jessf

yes the plan is to move to the uk come September this year, but I'm going to be back and forth between the uk and Aus until I do move.

I can see it developing a lot, we both have said we've learnt a lot about ourselves and our relationship together from a lot of the issues that have arose... we always seem to forgive forget and move forward and do better next time.. we both know we want to be together until we are old. It's a long term invested relationship.

[JessF]

Hello Jaicob, well, in that case you will need to acknowledge the limitations that are there until you are able to be around full time. Setting expectations for both of you in a clear conversation where both sides are heard. I've found it's helpful in these situations to use language like "When you...I feel...because..." and then tell your partner what you want from them. If she is feeling like she doesn't receive enough attention, ask what her expectations are. She should be able to articulate these. Then you need to ask yourself, do these expectations seem reasonable? It's all about communication.

[Jaicob]

That is put so simply, I've always been told I'll need to know everything about her mental illnesses but that puts it so simply at a spot where I can clearly initiate those boundaries and keep respectful but at the same time show my support.. 🙂

thankyou so much for that

also when it comes to anorexia would you have any knowledge as to how to encourage her that the food my partner is eating is ok, my partner has told me before that she often needs to force herself or be reinforced by me or family.?

[geoff]

hi Jaicob, thanks for posting your comment.
What seems to be the problem is that there just seems to be a communication problem, because when someone is trying to tell you something about how they feel and you don't understand then there is going to be some confusion, so what I suggest is that you click onto 'Get Support' and scroll down to 'publications to download or order' which will then provide the informtion you need to know about depression. Geoff.