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Long Distance Partner Depressed & Pushing Me Away - HELP.

x_Aussie
Community Member
‎13-01-2017 11:12 AM

I have been in a long distance relationship for a little over 3.5 years now. I am in Australia while he is in America, so at times it has been very tough. My partner wasn't open about his depression straight away however, in time he did share it with me and told me that he had tried to take his life twice. I was shocked obviously. Besides the fact that depression and suicide are such serious matters, it really shocked me that he would be going through something like that. He's funny, smart, caring, passionate, and strong and I guess I just didn't see it coming.

In the last year or so we have had some ups and downs with it. We have taken some time out on talking to each other so he could get his mind right, and he also admitted recently that he tried to take his own life again towards the end of last year. I am the only one who knows, he reuses to tell anyone from his family, and refuses to seek help as he believes nothing will make things better. He is known to drink to try to ease his pain, and he has had a lot of that throughout his life so I can understand why he may feel down after everything he has had to go through. I try to be there for him as much as I can and I always send him encouraging words but sometimes it just goes unnoticed.

At times I struggle with my own issues (mainly my self-worth) so when he doesn't feel like talking or is short with me through text etc. I can take it personally as if he's getting over me and the relationship and that i'm not good enough for him. I find that he seems to be happy and fine posting online and communicating with others, but that it's different when it comes to me, but I suppose he may just be acting like that online to hide how he actually feels inside. At this moment we have hardly spoken all week and when I asked if everything was okay he said it was. After a couple more days he said he didn't feel like talking and I said I would give him some time. I just worry about him so much because no one over there knows what he is going through, and I feel helpless being on the other side of the world. I don't know what else I can do. I haven't discussed this with anyone else, and I haven't told him either as I don't want to make him feel like he's a burden and that his depression is getting to me as well. I would do anything for him and I will support him throughout his issues, but currently I just feel completely lost.

Does any one have any suggestions for me?

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JessF
Valued Contributor
Valued Contributor
‎13-01-2017 02:40 PM

Hello x_Aussie, this is a very difficult situation to be in. Many people struggle with managing mental ill health in relationships when their loved one is living with them, let alone on the other side of the world. It's very common here on these forums to read threads about being pushed away, if you have a search you will find them. I find myself offering the same suggestions, you can't make someone seek support and in these situations it comes back to managing your own wellbeing and controlling the things you can control.

Can I ask where you see this relationship going in the future? Are you going to be together at some point, or is that open-ended? I can see that your own needs for emotional comfort and support are not being met currently, and 3 and a half years is a very long time to be going without. I know I have put myself in situations before where all my focus and energy is going on how to keep someone else happy and look after them, because my own self-esteem was so low that I didn't feel my needs desrved to ever take a priority. Sometimes I can rememebr that I also thought that my worth was defined by my romantic relationships. Does any of this sound familiar to you?

I would be interested in hearing more about what your wants and needs are here, what an ideal relationship would look like for you. Focusing on your own goals for a few minutes just may make you feel a little less lost.

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geoff
Champion Alumni
Champion Alumni
‎14-01-2017 09:30 AM
hello x_Aussie, it's bad enough when you are living with someone who has depression, let alone having an o/s person who you love and care for.
I'm not actually sure whether you have been together or just kept it as a long distance relationship, but when he tells you that he has tried to take his own life a couple of times is only going to cause you to be worried, because being a long distance away there isn't much you can do, sure you talk with him,but you don't know whether he is listening or whether he has turned off.
He is also trying to self medicate with alcohol, which is an enormous concern because you don't know how he has been drinking, and if you ask him, an alcoholic never tells the truth on how much they drink.
If he is talking to other people online and not you, certainly means something that doesn't seem to be what someone would want to do, if they believed you were the one person who could help them.
When we talk on the phone, mobile, skype or facetime it is easy to not be telling the truth, or what is said can be exaggerated or they can hide what they really want to say, however long distance relationships are very difficult, because firstly you don't know what he is doing during the day which could be completely different to what he says.
You won't be able to help him being on the other side of the world, even though you try as hard as you do, but I wonder whether he wants this, to me, a long distance relationship can never work out, there are too many questions that you won't get any answers to, too many queries all of which are not healthy for yourself, because you will fret and by doing this will create problems for you that you certainly don't want.
If you were my sister I would say that it has to end, living in a fantasy world does no one any good.
Sorry. Geoff. x
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