Long distance boyfriend not dealing with issues. Says he's too stressed to see a dr at the moment

BELLE11 · ‎03-02-2015

Hi

I'm in a relationship with an amazing man. We are only 5 months in and he has confessed he is suffering from depression. He has gone to see a GP and has chosen to try a mental health plan instead of medication. His bloods showed liver damage, so he was referred for an ultra sound. When it came to the day of the appointment he was going to cancel until I persisted he go. That night he drank a lot. I was lucky enough to have the week with him and it started out great. We ate healthy, went walking and even had a date night. Then it went downhill. He drank, he slept, he ignored me, there was no intimacy. I tried to talk to him but he's too embarrassed to express to me what's going on. So I suggested he see a counsellor to which he refused saying he's too stressed. He's searchjng for a place to live and it hasn't been easy but there are options but it's all too hard for him to deal with. But as we are only new and I live 1000km away he will not allow me to help. I'm concerned without me nudging in a positive way that he will regress and go mute and non functioning again. It hurts me very much that I can't help and that I feel after three or four days that I'm in his way and am better off leaving him alone. Yet when I've asked he's said no not at all. I do all the housework and run errands etc while I'm there to try to make his day less hectic so we can do fun stuff but he never notices or wants to do anything other than drink together. I'm trying my best to stay positive but without communication, trust and intimacy I'm wondering why I'm still here.

CrashCoyote · ‎04-02-2015

Dear BELLE11,

So many people write a similar story to you and it must be very frustrating.

First of all, it sounds like your friend is an alcoholic and suffering depression. Been there, doing that. The alcohol is an addiction and the reason he isn't seeking help is because he does not want to. It is the nature of addiction that people will not seek help until life with the addiction becomes worse than the thought of life without it. The liver damage is a sign that he knows he should stop but won't.

There is plenty of good literature on here about depression and you will learn that alcohol dependency is a very common form of self medication, especially for men. I did it and was up to a bottle of spirits a day at one stage. (Currently I am not drinking and haven't for over a month. Early days but I'm doing it.)

You mention that you are in a long distance relationship, very soon into it (five months) and he does not want your help and is already hurting your feelings. I hate using this term, but it is "his journey" and he must make his choices. If you are seeking a healthy relationship that comes from mutual love and respect you won't find it with him at this stage.

Have you considered talking to a counsellor or other professional about your feelings and how this is affecting you?

I don't know where this will go for you but if he doesn't want to change his situation, I don't think it will be satisfying for you. There are lots of people on here with various serious mental health and physical issues that struggle every, single day to keep on top of things or just get to a slightly better place, including me. Nothing is stopping him, he just hasn't started!

I am sorry if this is confronting for you, but one sided relationships are almost invariably doomed to failure or abuse of the "carer".

Kind regards John.

CrashCoyote · ‎04-02-2015

Hi Again, BELLE11,

By the way, why do you say he is "an amazing man" and that you are in a "relationship" with him?

How do you define those things?

Kind regards, John.

BELLE11 · ‎04-02-2015

Hi John

Thank you for your words. Not confronting at all just exactly how it is. I understand it's his journey and he needs to want to get help. Which I know he will, I think he's just learning what it's all about as I am too. I just need to vent sometimes I guess so that I don't stress him out with my concerns. I really appreciate your honesty.

The reason we are in a relationship is that we have met mutual family, friends, I've met his daughter and we spent Christmas together. He has also put me down on his rental application forms as his next of kin/emergency contact. And that he attended my high school reunion with me. We are in contact daily.

He is an amazing man because he is thoughtful, kind, open minded, generous, he's very smart and so funny I tell him he should have his own radio show. He is a man that when he is in a crowd people are drawn to him. Everyone speaks so highly of him. The way he speaks about his love for his daughter melts my heart. The way he was heartbroken over his cat that went missing for a day. The way he supports me in my career and his understanding that I need to be this distance apart from him for another 12 months.

The positives definitely outweigh the negatives of his depressed days. I'm worried about him and that's why I'm here, hoping advice like you have given me will give me the strength and education to give us both the best chance of living with or as he puts it kicking it's ass to the curb. I don't pretend to understand what he's feeling but I hope to gain knowledge and patience so we are both happy.

BELLE11 · ‎04-02-2015

Sorry John I forgot to say congratulations on your achievement so far of no alcohol for a month. That is great!!!! And was wondering are you currently in a relationship? Or if you've been in a similar situation to mine. I would appreciate hearing it from your view as I have no clue how a man thinks ever, let alone when depressed. I'm wary of asking my boyfriend about his feelings in case I say the wrong thing and stress him more.

CrashCoyote · ‎05-02-2015

Hi again BELLE11,

Yes, I am in a relationship with a lovely lady. I'm 51yo with a couple of divorces and a few other long term relationships. My most recent one (before this) was seven years with a woman suffering anxiety and OCD. She had a history of being abused both as a child and in relationships.

The first few years were great. She was everything I wanted and more, but once the anxiety started to overwhelm her it was the beginning of the end. I fought for four years to hold onto her but it didn't work. I'm pretty sure she still loves me, I know I still love her, but we cannot make it work for us.

At the time it was happening, I thought we could work through it but in hindsight I can see that she did not have the strength to fight her demons. She could not face the challenge of the work needed to overcome her issues - if she was even able - and the comfort zone of going back to wrapping herself up in her children and being single won out.

It hurts me that I adored her and (except for my children) made her an absolute priority and she did not feel that it was worth fighting for. Maybe I am being harsh but I was very invested in her and very deeply in love, more than I had ever been before and ended up being unable to let go (translation = addicted) which led to a lot of misery for me.

That's my story............

Kind regards, John.

CrashCoyote · ‎09-02-2015

Hi BELLE11,

I just wanted to see how you are going?

Kind regards, John.

BELLE11 · ‎11-02-2015

Hi John

We have been going well until today. To be honest I'm really struggling. I sent him a surprise valentine balloon gift to work today, in the hopes of putting a smile on his face. I know they arrived because his best friend messaged me. He called tonight and did not mention the gift at all. I'm very upset. I am trying to be so patient and caring and thoughtful but I'm sorry does depression mean you lose your manners too?

hope you are having a better week than I am?

CrashCoyote · ‎12-02-2015

Hi BELLE11,

I am sorry your Valentine's Day gift went unacknowledged. Of course it would hurt and even with depression and an inability to respond in kind, not even saying "thank you" is thoughtless.

This does not sound like the man you described. You said, "He is an amazing man because he is thoughtful, kind, etc etc" He may be but not to you. Everything you have said so far indicates that he is not interested in your support and at best, is indifferent to it. What do you imagine he told his workmates when they asked him about such a gift appearing in his workplace? (I know they would have, when I send flowers to my girl's workplace it sets the cat among the pigeons with other women there calling their hubbie's to ask where theirs are? 🙂

I think you deserve to have your affections returned and can only adhere to my earlier posts to you and strongly suggest you seek advice from a counsellor about your feelings.

Please, look out for yourself. You are entitled to the affections of a man that is capable and willing to return them, not the hollow pain that comes from a one sided relationship. You have known this guy for what? Six months? Where is your dogged loyalty coming from when he is so far away physically and emotionally?

Are the positives still out-weighing the negatives? What positives have you had recently?

Please keep posting. I fear there is more to this than is immediately apparent to you, which is why I think a counsellor or even psychologist would be a big help for you.

Kind regards, John.

BELLE11 · ‎12-02-2015

Hi John

I agree that it seems it's only me that is being treated badly. Weird thing is I'm the only one he tells everything to regarding how he is feeling and what he's doing to get better. Is it a case of you hurt the one closest to you? I don't know why I am so loyal that's just me. I'm a glass half full or maybe too romantic for my own good type of person. I have experienced the amazing man and still do occasionally now, so yes the good still outweighs the bad. I'm just really big on manners and he will not evade my response to his behaviour no matter that's he's nervous today about his lung results. I do deserve to be treated with more respect from him. With regards to counseling for myself I think it's a great idea. However I live in a remote area where everyone knows your business so that will have to wait until I'm near the city lights again. But so you know, you responding and being honest really does help me. I thank you very much for checking in on me. I'm interested to know why you think there is a underlying issue with me as to why I'm putting up with this? I can say and I'm sorry if it sounds up myself, but I am an attractive woman that is financially stable and gives 100%. I have been asked out on dates from other men located here and nearer to here but I am not interested. I know 6 months long distance is a small amount of time, but they say go with your gut and I guess right now even though the gut gets churning a bit especially today that as soon as I hear from him it's full of butterflies. All family and friends that have seen us together have commented how he puts a bounce immediately in my step. I fear it's the distance that we both struggle with and maybe that's worse than the depression.