Is my husband depressed?

[penster]

Hi

I believe my partner may be suffering from depression. The last 4 years he has been increasingly moody, uncommunicative and withdrawn. I never know what mood he will be in and I am often walking on eggshells. He believes I have turned the kids against him. He is too tough on the kids I think he yells at them as an outlet. I know he hates his job and he has started many projects on the house which remain unfinished which are now weighing on him. He woke up in a terrible mood two days ago. He blamed our 12 year olds insolence for his mood and didn't speak to any of us for the rest of the day not joining for meals or family movie night. This is not an uncommon occurance I often wake wondering what mood he will be in and I am getting tired of it. The next day I took the kids out for the whole day to get away from the atmosphere and when I came home he was gone. No note no explaination just gone. I called no answer I finally got a response to a text saying he left as he didn't want to make us all uncomfortable. Would not say where he was staying his subsequent text contained things about our son disrespecting him and me encouraging it, me looking for greener pastures (none of which is true) 

I can feel the anger and resentment oozing from him. I was very offended by the text and texted back quite firmly that I believed he needed to see a counsellor that things cannot keep going the way they are and that we just wanted him to be happy and the kids and I loved him.

I have spoken to him briefly today. He sounds so angry still. He has made an appointment time apparently for tomorrow for counselling which was fast. He said nothing has changed and there is nothing to talk about when I offered to get the kids looked after. This is clearly not true there is so much to discuss he keeps blaming his job the house the kids me for how he feels but I know it is deeper than that. 

How do I approach someone who has the attitude of "I am now going to go to counselling I don't want to talk about it" I can't pretend nothing is happening anymore. When he comes home tonight how should I approach him (if he comes home)

Thank you for reading

[Chris_B]

Hi penster, you may want to have a look at our Have The Conversation page, which has tips on how to approach a loved one you're worried about.

Have a look also at some of the resources on our Man Therapy site, and Friends and Family section.

If your browse some of the threads here in the Supporting Family & Friends forum, you'll also find a lot of other members who are going through similar experiences with their partners - feel free to reach out to them in their threads too.

[Narniakid]

Hi penster!

Your husband is showing all the symptoms of depression in denial, and I strongly recommend you take a look at the Have The Conversation page, as well as the resources for carers of depression sufferers.

Try giving him alternatives to counselling - art therapy, social groups and clubs, hobbies, or help him finish those projects.

it sounds like the root of his problem could be work related, so perhaps suggest he keep his eye out for other vacancies?

i'm sorry I'm not much help, but remember the hotline is always willing to here from you. You have yourself a tough situation and I wish you all the best - remember, only HE has the power to make it better, you can only be a support network for him.

Crystal

[trustlife]

Hi penster,

I'd say you have a pretty good grasp of the situation. He is fairly distracted. I wouldn't read too much into the outburst at your son. These are just effects and unfortunately he got caught in the cross fire. It's good that he's seeking professional help and I do understand his last resistance to it. How about this as an approach after his session (or even more importantly) if it's instead of the session.

Pick a moment in your life together when he was at his happiest, ie a hole in one in golf, the funniest joke he ever heard, a part of his favourite movie, whatever. Now, you sit down for a coffee and gently steer towards this wonderful event. You must do this after it's apparent to him you are not going to grill him on the counselling session or that you have a hidden agenda. You do have an agenda and this might seem a bit manipulative (but you need to understand he's been constantly manipulating himself with depression), so proceed secure in the knowledge that you're going to get him to step out of the cloud. Feed him the lines (if it was golf I'd go with, Where was that course, etc). Get him talking about how he felt, get him to re-live the excitement and sit back and watch the glow return to his face. Don't make it complicated, keep it really simple and fun. If it doesn't work straight away back off and try gently again later.