Is moving interstate going to help? or can we work things out here?

Artemisynn · ‎12-11-2017

My boyfriend (21, neurotypical) and I (27f, high-functioning autism) have been dating for 3 years. We met in Sydney at a university college where I was studying a master's degree and he was starting a bachelor of engineering, I came from Adelaide and he came from rural NSW. After I finished my Master's we made the decision to move together back to Adelaide where I have a home and a 9-year old son (who high functioning autism and supports in place here). Neither of us has friends down here, he does not have family here & my family is not emotionally supportive.

I am exactly where I want to be, I am a little stressed (home renos, new job etc) but feel close to achieving my goals. A move would mean tearing my life apart, ripping my son out of established supports, losing my home and the stability it affords me toward my goal of owning property, I could lose my horses and a recent dream job opportunity. While I could eventually figure stuff out, I am 27 and I don't want to be starting again right now. I would be happy to move in a few-5 years.

For him, he doesn't have a career set-up (lost interest in engineering, got rejected from policing), is stuck in a job he hates with irregular hours & night-shifts, is struggling with responsibilities at home, and is isolated (lost touch with old friends, doesn't know where to start making new ones). He could move without much disruption to himself & only stays for the relationship & the home (is sick of renos!) - he ultimately believes everything would be instantly better if he moved back with his family.

I want to be together and it pains me that this could tear us apart. I have encouraged him to seek psychological help and he is booked in for a start in January (best they could do), I am trying to help him set smaller goals and have pointed him towards MoodGym (I am unfortunately very problem-focused and I have to work hard to pay attention to his emotional needs to!).

I don't want to move, I think things could get better here and I kind of resent the idea of tearing my life apart because it might be easier for him - but in all fairness it probably would be easier for him to start from there - especially as he currently feels overwhelmed and powerless to change anything.

I don't know what to do 😞

Over the 2 years at college, he lost interest in his degree and decided to do policing.

He lost interest in his degree and decided to do policing, I finished my

He is 21, left a engineering degree and attempted to

Croix · ‎12-11-2017

Dear Artemisynn~

Welcome here to the Forum. I really think you have answered you own question in the way you have described things.

You appear to be settled in a supportive world. Yes I know your family may not be, however it is the sum total of things. The job, horses, home plans, and family in reach - plus no doubt other things - all come together to give you what you need. Your are content with it. Your son too has support, and that is not something easy to come by.

As you say - in 5 years you might feel moving is OK. Your boyfriend, and I notice you did not say partner or husband does not sound the same sort of person, more likely to give up - which may well be what is happening now - when dissatisfied with life and try for a fresh start. A sort of 'grass is greener' permanent outlook.

Obviously grass is not always greener and whilst he may believe being with the family is the answer I doubt over time that would be the case. There is no guarantee of a better job. difficulties making and retaining friends will probably be the same, and there would be a lot of added pressure revolving around your move - and your son's. If he has trouble coping with home duties and renovations now I'm not sure how he would face up to all this permanently.

Add to that the effect on you (disregarding for the moment your employment) and the while thing seems to an outsider as a very large gamble for little assured return.

One other thing does occur to me. In a partnership each person wants to love and look after the other. If he wishes to look after you then removing you from such a happy state does not seem to make sense.

Frankly I'm only echoing your words back to you in a different format, do you think it is a fair representation of the problem?

Croix

Artemisynn · ‎14-11-2017

Hi Croix,

Thanks for your response, I do think you have given a fair representation of the problem - and I found it helpful the way you laid it out (I tend to get caught on details). I was worried maybe I was being selfish for feeling this way if moving was going to really help him, but I think you are right, it would be a lot of risk for little assured return. He does tend to slip into "grass is greener" thinking as he is a sensitive man and easily overwhelmed (particularly lately). He doesn't yet have a good 'toolkit' to persevere through some of life's hurdles, but I am hopeful seeing a clin psych will help.

I ended up having a conversation with him the other day where I expressed that I didn't want to move and explained why (i.e., all of the above reasons). We also talked about the compromises we make in our relationships and he said he hadn't previously thought about the adjustments I have made too (for example, delaying a personal longstanding goal to afford acreage so he can go to university ). It was also helpful for him to know that I also have challenges and insecurities, as he said he sometimes feels like I have "everything figured out" (I do not!). The good news is he said he wants to try to make it work here. That said, if he ultimately decides he cannot stay, I feel somewhat more confident in making a decision taking into account mine and my son's situations too.

Now I just wish his mother would stop sending him guilt-inducing messages about his 'poor life choices' (she did not want him to move), not visiting family interstate enough, and laying blame on me [e.g."I bet SHE is happy with you playing house and father stuck in a dead end job while she gets to do what she wants"], but that's all another issue -.-

Thanks again,

~ Arty

geoff · ‎14-11-2017

hello Arty, I agree with Croix, and even as I was reading your comment I was going to say to you, 'don't move', you and your son have too much to lose and I'm not sure you would ever be happy giving up what you both have.
If he can't handle his mother and what she tells him to do then he's caught between you and his mum and won't be happy until he stops hearing from her.
Of course we need family to help us in all aspects of life, but to put the blame on him because he doesn't do this or that, then is he ever going to be happy.
You've got too much going on where you are, and your son would crash if you did move, then you would have another problem to cope with, but why do this, you've achieved too much and the future is looking good, whether you want to move in 5 years is an easy decision to make now, because it's a long time off, and when this time comes along you could have managed to purchase your first home, stay where you are. Geoff.

Croix · ‎14-11-2017

Dear Artemisynn~

I'm glad 'your' words helped:)

Actually I think you have uncovered a real problem in those last few lines. If his mother is trying to control him and is not favorably disposed towards you then it is not the sort of situation that can continue for too long. It erodes everything.

Trying to please two people, partner and mother is impossible, unless they get on very well - not the case here. As a result he has to make a choice, simple but hard. In any worth-while relationship the two people love and cherish each other and put them first. You BF needs to do this, telling his mother that snide and disruptive comments simply are no acceptable to him.

Apart from that it sounds as if you had a most productive conversation with him, and if he can see your problems and how you are helping that has to be a plus. Unfortunately his tendency to see you have having 'everything sorted' is an indicator he does not understand you well, something needed for a mature relationship.

I'm afraid my initial thoughts have not changed, I'd view any move in order to make your BF feel happier as ill advised.

Croix