I think my wife is on a destrutive path

Rothy · ‎28-01-2015

Hi guys

How do I approch an angry depressed type. Especially since she wears a smiley mask around others.

we have 3 young kids under 7 and a mortgage.

She is constantly confrontation toward me. Even over silly things. Believes she is hard done by. Wont allow my input in our finacial issues. I do the lion share of housework. Quite often in addition to the washing sweeping mopping I do after a night shift I still do the school run and clean up from last nights dinner. (Because she is too tired).And if a dont get everything done I am treating her as a slave. She occasionally says she wants to run away.

But I love her. She started a conversation a while back. And the keypoints were. She does know what she wants. Does know if she loves me. And that sex (she rarely allows it. maybe 4-5 times a year) makes her feel dirty. I believe anxiety and depression are at work here. We are going to couselling in a fortnight but im worried that if she ends up leaving. (Her mother walked out on her twice) that she will end up so deep in a hole that she cant get out.

Me I just want a normal loving marriage with intimacy. Not tiptoing around on eggshells

CrashCoyote · ‎29-01-2015

Hi Rothy,

I would not possibly want to pre-empt your joint counselling session. I think your suspicion about depression and anxiety may be accurate. Has she sought treatment for herself?

My ex wife and I lost a baby sixteen years ago and that sent her into a spiral of depression and anger that ended our marriage about three years later. To this day, she is still angry at the world, very aggressive and confrontational, unable to accept responsibility for her own behaviour and unable to form a fresh committed relationship.

You cannot be responsible for her feelings, behaviours or fate. If she does not want treatment, or to be with you or to be part of a normal, loving marriage that you mention, you must realise there is little you can do.

On the up side, she is going to counselling, which is a positive step.

Please keep posting if you feel like it.

Kind regards, John.

Beltane · ‎29-01-2015

Welcome to beyond blue.

This must be very hard for you. You can always get counselling for yourself (consider getting Extrass health insurance to help with cost). That way you can talk about how *you* are doing, how you feel. This can be really helpful for you.

what John says is true. She has to accept help- that's they key. You can't force her to change, though you can and should lay your heart on the line- tell her how you truly deeply feel. Ask, respectfully, that she not interrupt you while you talk- ask her to grant you time to talk before she responds. (This ensures she has time to actually consider what you are saying).

This is is hard because as you say, depression and amxiety can warp people's minds and turn them into the worst version of themselves. Sometimes they can be so warped they genuinely believe that they are fine and it is you that is in the wrong.

i know because I've been like your wife. I had a relationship and I had terrible terrible ajxiety and deoression- it destroyed my life. I took my pain out on my partner, always quick to either yell at him or Blame him- then Id cry and cry because deep down I knew it was me. But I didn't want to hear it- I can't explain why, but it's not uncommon in people with mental illness. It's like our minds are blocked to it.

he literally drove me to a doctor and a psychologist, he begged me in tears to get help. Sometimes I could see he was right, and Id go to one psych appointment, then just as quickly my mind would turn and Id refuse to go and Blame him for our issues.

one night he broke into tears and sobbed that he couldn't bear it anymore- it was over. That was what it took me to finally truly committ myself to getting help and beating it.

it was 3 years before I felt ready to get into another relationship. But in that time I beat my illness. Of course it's lifelong for me. But it's under control and I'm well and happy, and my partner of 1.5 years and I are very happy.

i hope it doesn't take a shock like that to make your wife wake up to what is truly happening. I realy hope that she will listen to you if you bare you soul to her and tell her how you feel. Perhaps.. Perhaps telling her your relationship is in danger will be the shock she needs to save it...

yes, you do deserve a happy loving, sexually and emotionally fulfilling relationship- if you don't have any and all of those things, then what do you have?

Rothy · ‎01-02-2015

Thanks fpr the replies and maybe I do need help myself. I often feel like crying. But I had spat woth her tonight. She took the daughter to the shop and ended up at a friends house and called me to bring the boys to come have dinner. Normally om happy go lucky and this would be fine. But under the circumstances of our relationship I was none to happy.

Depression aside we have issues and after I arrived she got drunk and asked me to take the kids home while she stayed the night. Also normally fine. Not right now.

Tonight I've been told that all I care about is

sex. And that I'm either over the top lovey dovey or a complete prick. And that I dont compliment her and ive given up. or that the otger night she sat outside and drank wine and I never even came out to talk ( I cleaned the kitchen sweeped floors then sat with the kids till bath time when put them to bed) I'm trying my best to give her space. Help around the house make her feel loved but keeping it not sexual. Its becoming too much. She has a past cases of both depression and anxiety.

You think I just need to tell her and leave her to it

Beltane · ‎01-02-2015

This is probably the hardest question of all: what do I do?

i myself am struggling with this, having some issues in my relationship. I myself feel the romance is gone, the fights are common and repetitive, always over the same thing: he says I'm clingy and want too much affection, I say he's unromantic and never wants affection, never shows any romance.

im even wondering if our life goals are similar enough to attain them together or if we're heading in differnt directions.

and always you remember when you met them, and fell in love, and how much fun you used to have together. You always think, I don't want to lose that, I can bring it back. But still, the arguments continue..

i too feel really lost. So I'm hardly in a position to give you advice, or to say "tell her how you feel" knowing that maybe you don't even know how you feel.

Sometimes we only know that something is wrong- we barely know what it is and we certainly don't know how to fix it,...

tough hey?

Rothy · ‎03-02-2015

Biggest issue is that she is a bag of contradictions. She tells me we couldn't even have a dinner without fighting. Yet the only way she interacts with me is full on offense. (I can't even ask a netural question about a subject being discussed) She wants compliments and romance but turn down the affection and sex. Only time I can speak freely about anything without being beaten down is in the company of people who only see her mask. I'm more than capable of hold my own in an auguement or conversation but that just ends in her stonewalling. Or she'll put me in a bad mood with this stuff and the harrass me to tell her why. And me knowing her reaction (exploding or stonewall) either makes me shut down or expolde.

I have a long fuse normally. It tskes alot to get me angry. But I also hold on to everything for when my fuse end and I go off. But nowadays (I'm also in a stressy position at work. Lots of responsibility with no real power) between that and the kids im on a hair trigger. So ehen she starts I'm already a tightly wound spring. I'm just not sure if she just want out of the relationship and is baiting me or she issues or both.

Beltane · ‎03-02-2015

yeah sounds like youre going through a real rough time with that one.

as i said earlier, you have a few choices. you can get psychology sessions for yourself (either ask your doc about medicare funded ones, not sure you're eligible, or get Extras health insurance though you'll have i think a 2 month waiting period).

Alternatively, you can try getting couples counseling with her,

i am really really getting a strong sense of suffering from you. really sounds like youre feeling very lost and hurt, attacked and confused.

i wonder whats up with her? you mentioned she has depression but i wonder if thats all there is to it. its true that depression can make some people lash out from their pain, but... well she probably needs to go and talk to her own GP and get psychology. Of course, its doubtful she'll listen to you if you tell her that, sounds liek she'd just blame it on you again.

mental illness can really warp peoples minds sometimes- thats kinda what they do. but having said that, its up to her to get help. you can ask and beg and give her ultimatums, and she might listen to them, or she might continue lashing out and blaming you.

if she does the first action (gets help) you might be in for a chance to save your marriage. the thing is, it takes 2 people to make a relationship work, and it takes 2 people to save one that is in danger. she needs to get some help and start working on her anger and depression issues, as well as whatever it is thats making her so avoidant pf physical intimacy. Of course, depression does take a massive whack at peoples sexual desire- makes them not want it. but again, she kinda needs to tackle the depression.

if she goes the second route (refusing help and continuing down this path of blaming you and treating you in such a way... well... thats up to you what you want to do....

maybe, as i said, some psychology for yourself might help you.

Rothy · ‎04-02-2015

It is. I dont think tthey realise they have it. Or deny it to themselves. And therefore the effect it has on those around has nothing to do with them. Its everyone else. Does your SO act completely different around other people?

Rothy · ‎04-02-2015

I wonder myself whats up with her alot right now I just don't know if she is just trying to leave this relationship looking like the good guy. Or if she is being honest. The fact that things she says dont make sense. I.E. the clothes we wear. I mean I little serious conversation could resolved that. It tells me the issue is her head not her heart. And her mother is a little strange in they way her mind works too.

Beltane · ‎08-02-2015

Oh dear, sorry it took so long to answer. I didnt realise you had replied.

My partner doesnt have a mental illness; in our relationship its me who has the illness. But i was probably something like your wife maybe 3 years ago. Not abusive, but certainly in denial about being sick. I mentioned that above, how it took the ending of the relationship to finally make me see that i was sick with severe depression, anxiety etc. Rather than lash out at him, i tended to spend all my time crying hysterically and blaming myself for everything- in my head, i could never do anything right or be good enough. I was too anxious to go out anywhere really, or even go shopping and do basic chores outside the house.

I wonder how you and your wife are going? Has she made any moves to get any help? Have you said anything? Has there been any decisions made?

Look, theres other mental illnesses out there than depression. Thats what i mean when i say there could be something more going on. She really needs to get help, but thats the trickiest part. At the moment she just doesnt sound like shes at a point where she can truly consider that its HER that is the problem. Sure i'm betting you're not perfect, no-one is, but it certainly sounds like you're copping a truly unfair amount of blame. Which means theres a certain amount of the problems that are her responsibility, whether she wants to admit them or not....

Its just so so so cruel that some people with mental illness just cant see that they're ill.