I see no alternative but to leave alcoholic wife

[eddie_e]

Hi everyone, first post, and am at my wits end. 

* Married for almost 18 years

* Wife has been drinking constantly for the last 5-6 years

* Lost long term government-based job/career due to drinking on the job

* Lost several more jobs due to drinking while at work

* Has previously hocked/pawned wedding & engagement rings to get a drink

* Has been in numerous car accidents with our 12 year old daughter in the car, thankfully nothing serious, but still frightening (especially to a child)

* Several DUI's including licence suspension(s)

* So much more that I'm either forgetting right now or just don't have time to type

I acknowledge I am/have been an enabler, I think it's time to stop. My work has been ok with the time I have sometimes had to take off due to caring for my daughter etc. but in order to pay bills I need to work, simple as that, but other than my fortnightly wage there is no other source of income that would allow me to simply pack a bag, have my daughter do the same, and just leave. Where would we go?

My daughter has school, and likes it, likes going there, she has established friendships/relationships that may not be able to continue should we have to leave. Weekend sport that she has signed up for but may not be able to continue. It would be a devastating change of life for her (and obviously not in a good way), it breaks my heart.

Everytime I speak to my wife about the drinking, I get at least one of the 3 standard responses:

I KNOW

I'M SORRY

I DON'T KNOW WHAT TO SAY

I have always said that the worst word in the world (in my opinion) is HATE. It just doesn't sound like a nice word, no matter how you put it or say it. So my belief has slways been that I really don't hate anyone or anything. 

Except alcohol.

Seeing what it is doing to my wife, and what it is doing to our family, I truly hate it. Hate hearing ads on the radio about it, hate seeing ads for it on TV, hate anyone at work talking about it, just hate hate hate it. With a passion. 

Anyway, that turned into a rambling rant. Happy for anyone to offer advice, ask questions. Like I said I am at a crossroads not really knowing how to proceed, any assistance or support would definitely be appreciated. 

Thanks. 

[white knight]

Hi, welcome

I had an ex partner that was an alcoholic. My MIL now passed had a partner, an alcoholic and gambler and squandered 100,000 before he passed away. That amount was less that in inheritance. I understand you.

You are a kind person, the enabler as you correctly described. Safety for you and your daughter is now priority. 

If I was in your shoes with my experience in this area- I'd accept there is little now that you can do and this addiction would lead to me no longer giving her chances- period!

• I'd find a budget accommodation in the same area so your daughter could attend her own school, most important as she'll have enough upheaval.
• I'd immediately get a family law solicitor to manage the legal side
• I'd apply for sole custody to the point whereby your wife can no longer transport your daughter by car while she is the driver (that gives her options eg other drivers even you)
• I'd gather all paperwork to do with her convictions etc for the court
• I'd not entertain any discussion to do with your wife's rehabilitation efforts. That is for her to harness.

• Your daughter will one day thank you for protecting her 
• Be aware of any attempt to make you feel guilty like taking away her income and so forth.

These actions by no means removes your ability to listen to your wife complaining about these actions nor removing any compassion, they can continue but should be separate from those decisions.

I hope that helps. As I said- I understand. Repost anytime

TonyWK

[Sophie_M]

Hi Eddie, 

Thank you so much for sharing here. It sounds incredibly difficult. We hope you can find some comfort and understanding on the forums, where other community members, like the lovely white knight here, may be able to relate to what you’re going through.

Recovery can be a difficult journey, and it’s important that you are able to reach out. Do either of you currently have any support with these issues, or someone you feel you can talk to about this? Remember, you can both always reach out to Beyond Blue or Lifeline.

You can also both reach out to Counselling Online, who support people suffering from addiction, or supporting others through addiction and substance abuse. You can find the number for your state or territory here, and they also have some helpful information pages, such as this one on helping yourself while supporting others.  

It’s so important that while caring for your partner you are aware of your own emotional wellbeing. Please remember to reach out any time you feel you are struggling, to the Beyond Blue helpline on 1300 22 4636, or to our friends at Carers Australia on 1800 242 636.

We think it’s really important that extra support and medical advice is there through this, so we think it’s really good to keep the GP informed of what’s going on. Please remember that if either of you feel unsafe at any point, the number to call is 000.

Thanks again for posting here. It must have taken a lot of strength to share this, but you never know who will read this post and feel less alone in their own experience.

Kind regards,

Sophie M

[quirkywords]

Eddie

Tony and  Sophie have offered helpful suggestions. 
i lived with a partner who was  in denial about being an alcoholic.

Getting a safe place for you and your daughter to live is important..

[David35]

You can lead a horse to water, but you can't make it drink, or not drink in your case.

I'm a reformed alcoholic. I was binge drinking every 2 to 3 days, abusing my parents for not loving me, caring about me. It systematically destroys what support you have left. She has an addiction. You are not dealing with her, you're dealing with her addiction. There is a difference.

Alcohol is so engrained in our culture to be the cure of all emotional problems. But it isn't. I learnt my "coping mechanism" of drinking at a young age of 15. It took me an accident out with some mates one night which left me with a frontal lobe brain injury to start to recognise its effects. But still I didn't learn. 14 years later after being unemployed, as a result of said injury, I tripped going upstairs. No big deal. But i had used up my last sympathy credit from my parents. Either shape up or ship out. So off I went to AA to get better. That was the last day I ever drank, July 10, 2010. I remember it vividly because Mark Webber won the UK GP and I was too blind drunk to be able to concentrate on TV.

What I failed to see as an alcoholic was how I was destroying my relationships, my support network. I could only gauge my behaviour on others responses. But I will never forget the despair on mums face when she said to me "you nearly killed yourself once already drinking alcohol. Youre not sorry. When will you ever learn" she had a point. I needed help. So what am I trying to say...

Only your wife can get the help she needs. You can't do it for her. Alcoholic is a faulty coping mechanism that has been bashed into our brains from the media, mates, colleagues, sports venues. The best way through is dealing with your emotions. Talking. But first she needs to stop drinking. Not cut down. Stop. It's a long process, but there is hope. I'm the living proof that you can overcome alcoholism.

I'll guarantee you there is an underlying reason for her drinking. Once you identify that, she can heal. For me, it was the feelings of failure, the stigma associated with being on a disability pension, of having 5 years of uni education wasted because I made a stupid decision one night to mix physical activity, with peer group pressure and alcohol. But before the accident, it was social anxiety and the fear of missing out. Well I've missed out on a lot in life since then. Don't let your wife waste her life like I have done for the past 20 years.