I make my wife anxious

[Party_Pies]

Hello. I have been married for three years and love my wife and always will. 

Four months ago, she told me we were in a rut. Her grievances included not taking her out on dates often enough, not helping enough around the house and general intimacy. 

I acknowledge that I had probably begun to take her for granted and have since done everything in my power to rectify those issues. I regularly organise dates, and now do majority of the housework and cooking. But none of this has worked. 

Since this time she has acted distant from me and rarely speaks to me except to provide a brief answer to a question that I have asked her. This was made particularly clear to me during our recent overseas holiday.

About a month ago we started seeing a couples counsellor. Prior to this my wife had told me that she had experienced a couple of panic attacks and was feeling generally anxious. At the counselling session, she disclosed that I make her feel anxious and that she dreads the idea of coming home to me. 

My wife and I have never really had a verbal altercation and I have never and would never be violent towards her or anyone. Sometimes she bottles up her emotions, but generally we are fairly open in our communication to each other. 

Tonight is the third time that my wife has gone to stay at her parents' house. I told her to take as long as she needs. I am concerned that we are just going around in circles by continuing to have time apart. 

I've read a lot of the posts in forums which talk about general anxiety and depression and helping partners to cope. But I haven't come across anything to help my situation - where I am the cause of the anxiety. 

Can anyone provide some ways to create an environment where she can feel safe and less anxious? 

 Thanks in advance

[Cherpieus]

Hi Party Pies,

Your situation sounds a bit like mine except I am the anxious one and it's my husband that contributes greatly towards it. 

Saying that though my husband is not responsible for my anxiety and depression and I encourage you not to take on that responsibility. It is admirable that you want to change things so your wife doesn't feel that way and the fact that you are making extra efforts is wonderful and I do hope you see the fruit of that.

Hopefully if you continue with the counselling your wife may feel comfortable to be a bit more specific about why she is anxious about coming home. For me I get anxious because my husband is often in a bad mood or some 'drama' has happened which he is reacting strongly to. I don't cope well with this. That's not his fault and I do not expect him to change in any way. I have to do things to change to be able to cope. That's what I believe anyway.

Hope you feel open to sharing how things are going.

Cherpieus.