I'm stuck and there's no escape

[Elle_T]

I started writing this post about what's happening and before I knew it it was really long. Reaaallyy long.
I dont know where to start. My husband suffers from lifelong depression but he is getting worse and worse despite seeking help from his GP, psychologist, friends and family. He will be seeing a psychiatrist next month but I need to get out of this relationship because its destroying me. We have a 7 month old baby as well and I need to be the best I can be for the baby's sake.
My husband has completely shut down. He sleeps about 15-16 hours a day. I do 100% of the housework and 90% of the parenting. This decline started a few months ago when I went to the doctors who told me I am suffering from exhaustion and need to rest. When I told my husband about this, he completely stopped everything and just shutdown. Now my workload has increased and I find myself driving to his parents house to look after the baby while I rest. He is sleeping at home when I do this. Everything I do or say 'triggers' him. He blames me for his depression and for triggering him. If I tell him I need help, he tells me to stop drilling him and he doesnt want to hear it.
I have to clarify that I am EXTREMELY mindful of the way I speak to him. I am very delicate and considerate. He knows he is being unreasonable but he cannot control it. I asked for separation and he stayed with his parents for a few weeks. Unfortunately this resulted in a worrying text message from him which made me feel like at the time he was a suicide risk. He is now living back at home and I told him I will do whatever I can for him to get the help he needs.
At the same time, I cannot be with him because its toxic and I dont think I can ever forgive him for some of the things he's done while he has been in an 'epidose'. One example being he kicked me out of the house when I was pregnant.
I guess my problem is that no amount of counseling or CBT or psychologist sessions will get me to be able to live with him. But if I leave him, I'm worried he will be suicide risk.
I have his family's full support as they're aware of what's happening, but I just want him to get the help he needs.
His GP and psychologist have really let him down.
I'm so stuck and helpless.
I dont know what I expect with posting this but I just needed to let it out.
I'm desperate for him. I desperate for him to receive the right treatment and I'm desperate to get away.
It's a lonely situation.
Thank you for reading.

[therising]

Hi Elle_T

My heart truly goes out to you. As a mum, I can relate to the need for appreciation, support and understanding from a partner, especially when our kids are so little. It can be incredibly demanding work at times, raising little champions.

I believe there are 2 different ways to raise people who are in a depression. There is a gentle way and there is tough love. I can recall a number of years ago when a friend came to stay with me. He was in a deep and torturous depression. I believed that the gentle approach would make a difference to him, so this is what I dosed out. While it gave him the knowledge that he was worth being loved and cared for, it didn't make a life changing difference. Eventually, he went to stay with my brother (Mr Tough Love). 'You will get out of bed each day by 9am! I will teach you to cook for yourself and others in the house! You will do work for me from home (my bro owns his own business)!'; the list went on with some basic demands. This really challenged my brother, as he is deep down a very gentle soul. He didn't care about being seen as the bad guy, all he cared about was raising this young friend to the challenges he needed to start meeting in order to begin feeling more active and alive. Pushing this young friend, for his own good, turned out to make that significant difference. It changed his life.

Tough love does require caution. You mentioned you are very thoughtful with your words, which indicates you are a cautious person. While possibly saying to her husband 'You need to get out of bed' sounds like it hasn't been enough, walking into the bedroom and demanding 'GET OUT OF BED, you will not sleep your life away in this house!' may be the kind of care he needs.

I recall how easy it is to feel sorry/sorrow for yourself while in a depression. While I have left my own depression behind me now, I can still recall the sorrow of feeling like you're gradually dying bit by bit, day by day. It can feel overwhelming. Having someone who can raise us back to life is so important whilst in this state of mind. Someone who can raise us to challenges is a must. While I did show love and care to the friend I mentioned, I never really challenged him like my brother did.

Have you ever tried dosing out some tough love, without criticism? 'Wake up NOW! Start looking for a new therapist!' could be the push he needs. Wake him up to the challenges he needs to face and then you can find peace in knowing you've done all you can.

🙂

[therising]

Hi again Elle

I forgot to mention, if you feel the challenge of raising your husband through tough love is too much for you (as you understandably sound so fed up and exhausted), give this responsibility to his parents. We never stop facing the challenges of raising our kids, no matter their age. It sounds like his parents need to step up their role in their son's life. Be honest with them as to how deeply challenging things have become for you and their son. It may be time they begin making the tough decisions as to what is best for him, such as coming to stay with them again for a period of time. It is not enough to simply be an observer of someone's depression, sometimes we have to be a highly conscious active participant in raising them out of that depression. Don't allow his parents simply to remain observers.

Look after yourself with well deserved love 🙂

[Elle_T]

I appreciate you taking the time to read my post and respond. For a short period of time I decided that I was going to give him tough love. It lasted a few weeks and he told me it didnt work for him and triggered him even more so I stopped.
I agree that perhaps his parents should take more action.
I'm going to my mother in laws house today so I will sit down with her and really get in deep. I think they're scared and don't know what to do.
I hope we can only go up from here.
Thanks again

[Scheherazade]

Hey Elle_T, thanks for sharing. Following, as I'm in a very similar position.
How did it go at your mother in law's house?

[Trelly]

any updates? I feel so bad