I'm pretty sure my wife has post partum depression (PPD)

[Cosworth]

Hi everyone,

I'm pretty sure my wife has PPD. She has struggled with depression in the past and has had bouts of PPD with our first two children. We now have three children and I am concerned for her. Does anyone have any advice on how I could help her to get help. I'm trying my best, but there is only so much that I can do.

She is going back to uni this year which is awesome and I am super excited for her. My mother was going to look after our youngest on the days she is at uni, but we have had a massive falling out with my parents, with some irrational arguments on both sides. I'm upset about that and I miss the relationship with my parents, but I want to support her above any one else. It's reached the point where she won't even let my parents see the kids any more, which I don't believe is fair to our children, who miss their grandparents. 

I'm really lost in this and would appreciate any advice.

[Kazzl]

Hi Cosworth, welcome to the forum. Thank you for reaching out to help someone who's suffering. For many of us the struggle is a lonely one as others don't understand. So I really appreciate your concern for your wife and making her welfare your priority.

It's not clear to me how much you have discussed this with your wife. Is she resisting help or denying there is a problem? It is very hard sometimes to accept that we're ill or not coping. And it's common to focus on something else - like starting uni, or in my case work - because we just don't want to believe it's happening again.

I think when something is important to us and the black dog strikes, we fear it will be taken away and we'll never get another chance. It really is easy to believe that. So perhaps your wife is afraid? 

Often getting through to us when we're like that depends so much on the approach. I respond to the gentle but firm approach - not being hassled or instructed to get help, but it being pointed out that I'm not my normal self and encouraged to act. It also helps me to be reminded that it's not forever, I can get back to normal and the things I want to do will still be there when I'm well again. There are no lost opportunities, even if I have to postpone something in the meantime. And it helps me to know that I'm loved no matter what.

I think it's a good idea too to gently ask the person what they wish to do about it instead of telling them. Maybe ask your wife what she sees as the options for getting better, so she feels an ownership of the means of recovering. By all means make suggestions - if she has a close friend or family member, or likes her doctor or family health worker, suggest she talk to them about it.

It's hard when family relationships become difficult, but they are generally able to be repaired in time. Once your wife is well. Make that the focus, not mending family bridges just yet, that will come.

This must be very troubling for you, so may I suggest you seek some support for yourself too - your doctor or a trusted friend. Don't keep it inside mate. You can't fix things - for your wife or yourself - alone.

Best wishes to you and I hope you'll keep talking to us.

Kaz 

[geoff]

dear Cosworth, my wife (ex) also had PND with our second child while I was working in a family hotel, fortunately her Mum weas able to stay with us and she and I got on very well.
I also had PND as well, but all of this doesn't address your post.
You have to try and understand that your is struggling at the moment, because that's what depression does to any of us, and say for me it was impossible to try and get a point through to me when I was in depression and not so much when I had PND, as I had a reaction to how my wife was feeling, so it may have been slightly different.
I hope that your parents realise that she does have PPD or PND and understand that her moods can up and down at any time, because it could be possible that your wife will decide that they can see their grand kids.
This may not be the same situation as what you are through, but I thought I should mention it, and that's our eldest son has two young daughters, but there have been many times when my ex doesn't agree with what our son says, so what happens is that her visits to see our grand daughters is cut off for how long it takes for my ex to try and understand that she has no right to tell him what to do and what not to do with them.
I am then used as a go between which I hate to do, because they have to sort this situation out themselves, where you could be doing the same.
If your wife wants to start uni, which could be very good for her, then a decision needs to be made, to continue to encourage her to go to uni. and the cheapest way is for her to accept that even though she and your parents don't agree on everything, then a compromise can happen.
It is very hard for you to be caught in the middle of all of this, because it may seem to be dead-locked, but slowly something will happen which will enable all of you to be happy.
There will always be disagreements between all of you, parents want the kids to do this, while you don't want them to, but you are both their parents, so the way you both want to bring up your children is only up to you, sure comments can be made by others, but the final decision is yours. Geoff.