I'm not sure how much more I can take... (newbie post)

[WorriedWifey]

hi everyone,

i am new to this place as i am coming to the end of my sanity with my husband's depression taking over our lives.

my once intelligent, outgoing, fun, bubbly, get-going, high-achieving husband has turned into someone i never thought i'd see... since struggling with glandular fever, chronic fatigue, cancer scares and continued exhaustion (and inability to work full time) which started in november 2014, he is a shadow of the person he was.

he has good days, granted, but mostly he wavers between staying in bed with exhaustion and painting a bit of a smile on his face with the family (we have two young boys). he works part time at the moment which is giving him a bit of 'external energy', but aside from that, there is very little.

the reason i'm writing is in essence: i need help. i gave him a big talking to this morning when he wouldn't get out of bed and i feel bad now because i know that's not the right thing to do. but after over 2 years of holding him and the boys up, recently things have gotten much worse:

- he hasn't been paid since february even though he's still working (he's helping a business grow)

- i earn $4k a month which is meant to cover all expenses for a family of 4

- his spending is out of control, having in the past 6 months bought a $50k 4wd, a $10k camper trailer, $1100 on a bull bar/ spotlights etc etc etc.

- he is lying about his spending - he told me the lights were $150 - he didn't mention that to fit them would end up being $1100 total

- he is keeping me out of decisions (he went down on his medication last week without telling me because our naturopath said he should start thinking about it) - so no conversation about what would happen, he just did it and now we're dealing with the consequences as he's so not ready...

- i bring him lots of ideas - meditation, yoga, walking, cycling, martial arts, a structured day plan etc. i ask him not to get on the phone in bed because it harms his sleep. i make sure he's eating really good nutritious food etc. but he ignores me...

he does nothing to help himself, he stays up to all hours on his phone and then wonders why he's so tired (even after 12 hours sleep, he's exhausted). i feel like i'm losing my mind. i'm struggling myself with slight depression (on meds) but am trying to keep our family afloat.

please, can someone help? i feel like i'm about to drown. 😞

thanks for listening if you got this far! xxx

[white knight]

Hi WW, welcome

Over spending is certainly a common symptom of illnesses like ADHD, mania and so on.

The issues that ring alarm bells for me is 1/ lack of teamwork with tackling the illness and running of the house 2/ advice from those not qualified to Gp standard as a minimum 3/ unrealistic (him) in terms of your financial situation.

There is a point to which you will eventually become the patient also. Then what?

Please google: Topic: who cares for the carer- beyondblue

My instinct tells me he needs some solid boundaries. This could be because he has some immaturity issues. To do this needs planning and you can in the first instance plan things with him. Eg

He has got the camping vehicles so might well go camping. Make sandwiches. He might want takeaway. "If we didn't get the bull bar wed have take away". He has to work with you to plan things financially. $50000 is too low an income for slurges.

Google. Topic: talking to men , some tips, beyondblue

Firm but fair boundaries. Teamwork. Mutual respect as what the first google will point out and a timeframe on when he has to return to work.

Failure for him to measure up as a partner to share the load has already got you overworked.

Tony WK

[Lightbeam]

Hi WorriedWifey

I wish I had some answers to give you but after 7 years of riding the roller coaster, I'm still none the wiser. If I can offer you anything at all, please know that you are not alone.

I can empathise with your mixture of emotions. The guilt you feel when you say things out of sheer frustration that in hindsight, you look back on and think maybe I shouldn't have said that. The constant pressure of having to be taking charge of everything when you are supposed to have a partner sharing the load. The sadness of seeing a future life planned together slip away. The selfishness, the hurt, feeling unloved & the cycle of wondering if this will ever get any better.

It sounds like you are doing a great job of keeping your family together & also recognising that you also need support. Well done. Joining the BB forums will be beneficial for you too, there are so many of us here going through the similar challenges of supporting/loving someone with a mental illness. Feel free to vent here any time!

My kindest thoughts are with you & your family xx

[allyb]

Hi WorriedWifey - I have just joined this forum to look for guidance myself. It has brought tears to my eyes that other people are going through what i am, but selfishly it is kind of a relief that it's not just me. I don't feel so alone anymore. My husband has always had depression but over the past 5 years it has got worse and worse. We have tried numerous counsellors, psychiatrists and medications but my husband never really commits. My husband works part time but still stays up late, watches violent shows and depressing documentaries which can do no good. He too lies about what he spends and any discussion about money ends up in an argument. We can't really have a discussion as he sees everything as an argument.

I am a happy, positive, outgoing, friendly, caring person yet he makes me feel the total opposite. He blames me for everything and makes me feel guilty. He twists things I say and says I am the delusional one. On the weekend I moved into my parent's place. We have a 6 year old daughter who just wants her parents to live happily but it's not going to happen. I have tried so many approaches and I am drained. It is not healthy for our little girl to see us fight so I have decided we are going to separate. We are selling our house and living in two smaller houses. I am hoping this will make him stand up, man up. He has to. He has to be able to set up a house that is safe for our daughter. I don't know if this will work, but we cannot continue living together.

I really wish I could give you some helpful advice but as you can see I am too in a predicament. All I can say is you are not alone and try your best to look after yourself. Your husband and mine are aware of their illness and what they can do to try and improve their situation. I too have provided a multitude of ideas of how he could improve his mood but it's up to him to help himself. I am no longer going to nag him. It's up to him to get up each day. It's a risk I am going to take. I am also hoping time apart will enable me to rebuild my self esteem. My current coping mechanism of two glasses or red wine is not healthy and not a good example for my daughter.

I wish you all the best xx

[Marcsa]

Hi WorriedWifey,

Some of your problems sound similar to my problems communicating with my 22 yr old son. ( I wonder if it's a man/boy thing?)

I am at such a loss and will follow with interest any suggestions that come your way and see if I can apply them myself. My mental health is suffering too.

[Winterfell]

Your situation sounds frustrating and tiring. Depression is hard to understand and hard to live with for both the person and those around them. One thing I have learnt is I have to look after myself first. If i am getting to the gym, going out with the kids for coffee and a shop, meeting friends and getting support I dont resent my husband and I am more immune to his negative states.

He is really the only one who can take charge of his wellbeing, you can support that but it has to be his own ideas around what works for him. Have you considered relationship counselling at all? Its been helpful for my husband and I to both be heard about conflict and how to work together in positive ways. I have reached out here for support too, my husband has just gone in for inpatient treatment after having suicidal thinking, everyone has been helpful so far.

[GiveHope]

Hi WorriedWife,

I am really sorry for the pain that you and your family are going through. I know it is really hard to not want to just get in there and get things "fixed". What I am hearing at the moment is that you have been trying to make up for the shortfall yourself and have in effect burnt yourself out. The first thing (as hard as it may be) I would focus on is yourself. If you can take care of yourself physically, emotionally and mentally you are going to be much better equipped to assist your husband and take care of your boys. Do you have a support network you can reach out too? It would be helpful for you to have someone safe and removed from your situation that you could talk to about how it is impacting you having yourself supported is vital.

I found I always liked to spend money at the times when I really should have been watching what I was spending, it was a way of denying what was going on, feeling like I still had some level of control in my life. It can also be a result of extremes such as mania. Are there ways in which you can help him feel more in control without him needing to go to these measures?

Unfortunately with depression until the sufferer is willing to take responsibility themselves the cycle will often continue. Sometimes it feels so helpless and there can be a lot of "What's the point?" type thoughts which make everything else seem so irrelevant to the sufferer. You are an amazing strong woman and you need to live that. If you start doing what you need to do for your own happiness and for that of your boys hopefully it will be enough for him to sit up and take notice and make him realise there is so much he is missing out on. At the moment it seems like his low energy and depression is what is running the household mood. Use your gift of your loving and vibrant nature and hopefully you will see some change.

Best Regards,
MT 🙂