I love my partner but I need your help. For those suffering from PTSD... please help me understand it. PLEASE.

[Foo]

First time posting... I am so in love with my partner of two years.. he suffers from PTSD. He has recently gone on antidepressants due to insufferable anxiety. It has made him calmer but he feels so guilty about the side affects they also bring, physically and emotionally, distant really. I feel I support him as much as I can but I know that I truly don't understand how he has been feeling. I want to ask him if I'm supporting him enough, but feel like I would be adding more pressure on our relationship, and his frame of mind. There's so much in my head I need to get out , so bare with me... this is hard!

Feeling selfish that I'm being affected, because it's his battle and I just need to know how to support him, but still feel like rubbish from the fallout. What I think I'm trying to say is ... what can I say or do that will be the best way of letting him know I wish i could take his pain away, that I understand this is life long and that I really am up for this without belittling the enormous fight he has on his hands?

Please tell me if I'm overthinking all of this or if I just need to chill and just...be there...

[Starwolf]

Welcome to the forums, Foo.

I am glad you made the courageous decisions to post. PTSD takes a toll on sufferers and those around them alike. You are doing a terrific but difficult job. Your partner is lucky to have you by his side.So please ditch the guilt. You wouldn't be human if you didn't feel "rubbish from the fallout".

I once was badly affected by PTSD, depression, anxiety, due to physical, emotional, sexual abuse. I also was sole carer for a daughter with acquired brain injury so it gave me some insight into both sides of the situation.

Mental conditions escape the scope of logic and reason. They don't make sense to those affected and even less to their loved ones. So we feel helpless, out of our depth. I have found that knowing someone cares is what matters most. But please never underestimate the important role you are playing in your partner's recovery...even if is sometimes remains unacknowledged.

Looking after yourself is important. We all have personal needs. If those are neglected, forgotten on the back burner while we focus on someone else's well being, burnout can easily set in.

If you scroll down to the bottom of this page, you will find info on anxiety and depression in the Facts section. The Supporting someone section will offer helpful coping strategies for carers, including taking care of themselves. Navigating the Carers part of the forums will let you know you are far from alone. It will allow you to connect with others in similar situations or just to let steam off.

Copying this link into your browser would also be useful :

https://www.carersaustralia.com.au/

Another thing...as an ex sufferer, I wish to point out that PTSD is no life sentence. It can be managed so that sufferers can reclaim peace of mind and quality of life. Partial or total recovery are possible.

Here for you.

[Croix]

Dear Foo~

Welcome and thank you for posting, you have indeed come to the right place and will find many here who can understand and give experience. I can see you are extremity worried, confused and feel adrift.

So I'll set things down in 3 stages.

First off I was a policeman and was invalided out suffering form PTSD, anxiety and depression. This means I understand - at least somewhat, what your husband is going though. Not all react quite the same way.

I was locked in reliving the past (or permutations of it in the future) to the exclusion of things around me. This could come about for a large variety of reasons, from sounds, smells, phrases, circumstances.

Being disturbed in this place could result in me being resentful and angry - quite unreasonable, quite loud and forceful.

I was also unable to understand my self - I did not know what I liked, if I loved anyone. I think this may be known as disassociation. When aware of the world constantly worrying about everything. Feeling unworthy, guilty, of no account, a failure, frustrated, angry, sad, feeling loved ones would be better of without me. Physical intimacy was absent too.

There are other things, that's enough for now.

Secondly my first wife bore the brunt of this, looked after me, our child and went to work, a mammoth load. I owed her an unimaginable debt. Interrupting my state was a matter of her judgment, sometimes very hot coffee broke though - not asking, just handing. Other times she knew to leave me alone in the quiet, sometimes to be gentle with me. I've no idea how she know which time was which.

Asking how I was, or if she was doing the right thing, or what I wanted, was counter-productive.

No it is not life-long. Although it was very long ago in my case I live a loved and loving life in a proper partnership with my second wife. I did the time with the first as I improved, she died after 25 years with me.

Thirdly if he is on treatment - even with side-effects, that's great. Treatment have moved a long way from my time. Dealing with the things that trigger him is something he has to learn, not easy, takes a lot of time and effort on his part - but will have results.

I know to cope, and the effects are miles less now anyway.

Look Foo, I've talked a whole lot, and no doubt have not answered many things you want to know. Have a read and come back and talk and ask more - you will be met with care and understanding.

The biggest priority is for you to look after yourself.

Croix

[Guest_9809]

Hi Foo, and welcome to BB Forums. You have been provided with some excellent advice above from a couple of our Community Champions who have personally experienced PTSD. I hope I can add to that.

I too suffer from PTSD. I expect it is very hard for people living with a partner or other family member who has PTSD. I know I am not easy to live with and no doubt my husband would agree!

Those of us with PTSD often have trouble with close family relationships and friendships. The symptoms of PTSD causes problems with trust, closeness, communication and problem solving. This often affects the way we act with others. If communication is difficult or strained as a result, it can sometimes harm our close relationships.

We often feel distant from others and numb, have little or no interest in social or sexual activities. We are often irritable, angry, guarded, jumpy, nervous, unable to relax or be intimate. At times we may come across as tense or demanding. Dealing with our symptoms can take a lot of our attention thus leaving little left for our intimate relationships.

But its not all bad Foo. Many people with PTSD do not have relationship problems, especially if they have proper treatment to help them through the worst aspects of it. Things that your partner should consider doing are:

1. Build a personal support network to help cope with PTSD while working on family and friend relationships

2. Share his feelings honestly and openly

3. Build problem solving skills and connect with others through play, creative pursuits and relaxation

Always keep in mind Foo, that social support is one of the best ways of helping to protect us against getting PTSD in the first place, but also in coping once we have it.

Relationships can help us feel that we are not entirely alone in our everyday battles. They can help us maintain self-esteem and reduce depressive episodes. Helping others (as we do in close relationships) reduces our feelings of failure or of being cut off from others.

Foo, you know your partner is dealing with a lot. But there is no doubt that you can be a big help to him in his ongoing recovery. It wont be easy, but you are doing the right thing by learning as much as you can now. I hope he knows what a great person you are, and that you are strong enough and willing enough to support him when he needs it. Your patience will pay off, and in time, he will be there for you and support you in return.

Good luck.

Taurus xx

[Foo]

Thank you so much.

[Foo]

Thanks, so much to think about. I'm glad your journey is easier.

[TBella]

Hi Foo

Welcome & thank you for sharing what it's like to be with someone with PTSD. I think it's good to be reminded of what it's like for partners & family members.

I have two perspective of PTSD.

MY dad had PTSD as a result of being a Vietnam Veteran.

We lived on eggshells never knowing what mood he be in from minute to minute.

He was angry & prone to violent outbursts especially if alcohol was added to the mix- making Christmas, birthdays any celebration scary for me. Even today I hate Christmas & birthdays- they're re sad times & filled with anxiety.

But now that I myself have PTSD I understand how horrible it was for my dad.

For me I think I'm fortunate in a way to have experience it with my dad. I am so mindful & aware of how much damage his angry outburst did to me.

That mindfulness & awareness makes me hide away when I'm struggling with my PTSD. I hate being angry & that everyone & thing agitates me but I don't want to take it out on those around me because I'm so aware of how damaging that can be & I don't want to hurt/ damage anyone. So I remove myself- hide in my room & until I get over it.

The other reason I withdrawn & need space or time alone is due to the fact that PTSD makes you hypersensitive- Everything seems so loud & makes you feel like you're going crazy! It's like a sensory overload & can be very overwhelming.

perhaps that is why your partner retreats & needs his space at time. I'm not sure but please know it's not you- try not to take it personally. It's the PTSD!

I sometimes can't stand to be around myself. But I can't get away from me coz where ever I go, there I am LOL!

I also hate that this is not the real me! It feels like the PTSD has take me hostage.

I think you are an amazing & beautiful person, who loves her partner very much & hurts to see him in so much pain.

Sometimes there is nothing you can do, no one can fix it.

All you can do is just keep loving him, give him his space when he needs it & talk about it when his ready.

But also known it's ok for you to have boundaries- you have to look out for your own mental health & wellbeing.

Dont lose yourself in process of supporting your partner. Make sure you have a support network & go out and do things for you that bring you enjoyment & fulfilment.

Your partner sounds like a very lucky man to have a beautiful supportive person like you in his life.

I get both sides of PTSD so know that I am here to listen & support you anytime

Kind Regards

TBella

[Starwolf]

Hi again,

Because we are all different, PTSD can affect us all differently, depending on personality, circumstances, cultural background, etc...

Perhaps the easiest way to help you would be if you were to ask about particular aspects of your partner's responses that you find difficult to cope with. I am sure some of us would have experienced similar challenges, may it be from a carer's or sufferer's point of view. It would then be possible to address those particular questions.

Kindest thoughts.

[Foo]

Hello again.

I just find it hard because he used to be so full steam ahead with his dedication to me but since the meds have kicked in, he's so inward and less attentive. I know he still adores me but the whole atmosphere between us is so different, it leaves me feeling lonely at times. He goes into the world of gaming or FB and I loose him for days. I'm assuming it's his down time, I know I need to give him his space, but what do I do in the mean time?

I'm still to look at the site you gave me to look at, so will do so tonight.

Thank you for your help also. Everyone has given me greater insight. It's much appreciated.

[Starwolf]

The fact that mental health sufferers are often withdrawing within themselves is difficult for those around. Medication can also have this effect. It takes time for body and mind to adjust to ADs. Perhaps this is only a temporary effect. Different people are affected differently.

Of course, it doesn't mean your partner loves you any less. Only his responses are affected.

It still leaves you with a void to fill and a feeling of being cheated. Not an easy one to reconcile with. Voids need to be filled. What would be the best way for YOU to go about it ? Starting something new is often a helpful strategy. Is there anything you always wanted to do but never got round to it ? Would a new hobby help you find new friends ? Is there a new skill you would like to learn ?

If your partner is concerned about medication side-effects, it is important for him to discuss those with his doctor. It is still early days. But if issues linger after the adjustment period, please do not hesitate to have that conversation. It can take several attempts before finding the right type and dosage for a particular person. Tweaking is often necessary.

Kindest thoughts.