I hope he comes back to me soon.

[Br1sbaneg1rl]

I have been with my sweetheart for 2.5 years. He works FIFO in a very mentally draining environment, 3/3 & he has increasingly become more agitated & formed a very short fuse over the past 6 months+.

Sunday morning, after he had been drinking all day on Saturday we had a slight argument and it was like something snapped in him, he was saying things like I don't know if I want a relationship, relationships are so hard, I don't want to let you down, I don't want to disappoint you. In a matter of minutes, he was up & out of bed in a panic. He said that he wasn't happy and had to work on things about himself. I asked him to talk & he refused & said there was nothing left to say. I asked him if this was the end for us & he said yes. Then came the tears & I rubbed his back & he held me. He told me that he loved me but wasn't sure if he was in love with me anymore. My heart broke then & there.

He told me that he didn't want the relationship anymore yet he curled up in our bed for an hr. After him having a shower, he came out & asked me to come over to him. Holding both of my hands he told me that he'd like to give us one last go & us put in 100%. We'd never been at this point before, I was still in shock. My partner who I'd do anything for blames me for our problems, blames me for his problems, for forgetting to pack certain things for his swing.

He has told me that he'd tried to commit suicide once before & he was diagnosed as an alcoholic while in the defence force but always had the excuse that he wasn't actually an alcoholic, he was just drinking too much & did what they needed to.

The signs were there but I didn't realise, I did have thoughts here and there after him not wanting to look at photos of himself or not liking looking in the mirror.

Tuesday night he admitted that he thought he was suffering from depression & that he might have been pushing me away as he didn't want to drag me down with him. I felt this was a huge step, then Wednesday he was back to blaming me.

Is it common for someone suffering from depression to change almost overnight after they seem like they had a break down?

He doesn't feel that he could take medication as he feels it could effect his contract. I have been researching holistic treatment, just so I'm prepared.

I'm trying to be patient but I'm still hurting. I just want him to come back to me. I feel so selfish thinking about me and I really hope I don't come across that way, I just want to learn how to cope better.

[Cold_Mirror]

He needs to accept that he has to get some professional help with his depression and possible alcoholism. Even if he's not an alcoholic, alcohol is a depressant so not really a good thing for him. If he doesn't want help, it will be hard to make him go there. I'm not sure what you do if that's the case.

The important thing is that you look after yourself. If you're staying for the long haul, then you need to have some realistic boundaries about how you can and cannot support him. It's critical that you are clear about what is his responsibility. You are definitely not selfish to think of yourself.

I'm really sorry. This must be so confusing and hurtful. I hope that others here can give you the benefit of their wisdom.

Take care.

[Br1sbaneg1rl]

Hi Cold_Mirror's,

Thanks for your reply.

I agree, he does need to get some professional as I feel like I'm drowning at the moment. I can research all I like, however, I am not a professional.

I wish I could tell his family and ask them to help me to support him but he's already told me he doesn't want anyone else to know. When he does mention his problems with his job they say, just snap out of it, focus on the money, dig deep and get through it so I fear that could be their response to their son suffering from depression.

It's really difficult and I do want to stay for the long haul, I just wish I was coping better. Since Sunday I've hardly eaten and when I have, I've eventually thrown it up anyway. I guess this is anxiety or my emotions getting the better of me.

Last night I decided to take a step back and just answer his Skype messages when they came through and give him his space.

It really is so hurtful, I hope it eases soon just so I can get myself together a bit more and regroup. My heart goes out to those who suffer from depression as well as their support networks x

[Carmela]

Hi Br1sbaneg1rl, it is wonderful that you have taken the first step to reach out and seek advice.

About your question as to whether someone who is depressed can change their emotions/thoughts overnight - the answer is yes based on my experience supporting my husband. If alcohol is involved, the swings are more so. It is great that he has admitted that there is a problem, but as Cold_Mirror has suggested, he needs to seek professional help to discuss the options available to him for recovery. As a partner there is only so much you can do and unfortunately, our depressed partners will take their frustrations, etc. out on those that love them the most.

Patience is important and its great that you are doing that, but please don't forget about you. It is not uncommon for caring partners to suffer the fallout of a loved one's depression. Be cognisant of your mental health and ensure you do things that make you happy. Engrossing all your thoughts and time on your partner isn't healthy. You are not selfish to think of you and your feelings and needs. I found constantly being the giver lead to fatigue and unhappiness.

The best thing l did to help my husband was to educate myself about depression. This allowed me to approach his depression with understanding and compassion rather than frustration. It also helped me to depersonalise his behaviour, as l had felt it was my fault for not seen the decline in his health sooner.

Have you checked out the Beyondblue online resources? They are a great way to start the education process. Go to -https://www.beyondblue.org.au/supporting-someone

We are always here for you if you need further advice.

Carmela

[Mrs_trying_to_cope]

Hi,

just this week my husband had a similar thing happen. He cut me off and would not communicate. I spent the week crying myself to sleep, thinking that it was something I had done, he communicated only by the odd text message. It felt like he had no regard for how I was feeling, the hurt and loneliness is crushing. Today he saw his psychologist who said that his anxiety has turned into depression. He has now apologised for hurting me and told me that I didn't cause the depression. I feel a little better, however it is going to be a while before he stops shutting me and his family out. He has asked for space and time and for me to be patient. So giving him that is all I can do right now. You are not alone, there are more of us going through the same thing. Hopefully he gets some help. My heart is with you.

[Br1sbaneg1rl]

Hi Carmela,

Thanks for your reply.

At the moment, I am trying to put myself back together because up until this afternoon it felt as though I was drowning.

Apart from first thing this morning, I haven't thrown up thankfully. To ease my nausea I went to a health food shop today and bought some herbal tablets; Fusion Stress and Anxiety, the in-house Naturopath suggested I take 4 a day. 2 in the morning and 2 mid afternoon. I also bought some Passionflower herbal tea to help me sleep (here's hoping).

I did check out the online resources, thank you, I also ordered some hard copies for when my partner gets home. I'll leave them on his desk to go over when he's ready.

Today has been the best day I've had all week, I ate lunch and kept it down, I washed my hair and today he was Skyping me referring to me as baby and babe which was a huge sigh of relief. It doesn't take much to put the wind back in our sails does it.

I remind myself, today was a good day but tomorrow could be very different. I can only hope and hope is the only thing getting me through right now.

N 🙂

[Br1sbaneg1rl]

Hi Mrs_Trying_To_Cope,

Thank you for your kind words.

I'm so sorry to hear that you're going through such a hard time as well.

I can completely relate to crying yourself to sleep, it's been every night for me too.

I'm so happy that your husband went to see his psychologist today and that he apologised, this a great step in the right direction and sometimes it's the apology which we really need to hear initially.

How are you feeling tonight? Have you had at least a decent day today?

My heart is with you as well, I hope that you stay in contact so we can hopefully bounce some positivity off each other x

[Mrs_trying_to_cope]

Hi N

So glad to hear that you had a better day yesterday, it sounds like progress 🙂

Yesterday was a little better for me too, finally reached out to a friend as I hadn't before that, I didn't want any of my friends of family to think less of my husband, but it was the right thing to do, she gave me someone to talk to. It was a very long day I must say, each minute felt like an hour. The good thing is that I have been getting regular text from him, and he has been checking in to see that I am ok, which is real progress. I used sleeping pills last night for the first time, but they only lasted 4 hours, so I took them twice and think I got about 8 hours sleep for the first time. I didn't know if he was coming home last night, so that was on my mind and I keep listening to every car that drove down the street, just hoping it would be his. But no he hasn't come home. He did however last night say that he would see me "tomorrow" which is today, so I am very anxious waiting for him to come home. I have no idea what will happen when he does. He hasn't spoken to his family at all, just asked me to let them know that he is ok. He has small children that are at their mothers at the moment, they are coming back to stay with us tomorrow, so it will be hard for him to hide this from them as they are happy little kids and he loves them devotedly and wouldn't want to affect them. It sounds bad but I keep on checking if he is active on Facebook, so at least that would tell me that he is ok, but he has been inactive for 9hrs how, so either he has shut himself off from Facebook as part of his coping, or something else. At least I feel a better to cope today after getting some rest. I hope your day is even better than yesterday. J

[geoff]

hello, how sorry I feel for you because I have learnt what I must have done to my family when I was depressed by being on this site, because I didn't want anyone to try and help me at first as I was in denial, but yes his moods could change overnight or just suddenly, it's too hard to even contemplate or imagine when it may happen, because at any time a light might appear which means that you are feeling a little bit better but certainly not overcome by this illness, that's why it's so confusing not only for the person suffering but to those who are directly linked to them in a relationship.
There could a time where he is feeling much better, so you naturally think that he is cured and just so pleased, but then suddenly it all changes back to how it was, so this in fact is what puzzles you and you are the one who suffers the most, because with him he goes from wanting space and not wanting to talk to you to being able to talk but only in a few words, but not like you would want the conversation to be.
My greatest worry is that when he has his own space and is away from you that he doesn't revert back to the alcohol, because if alcohol has been involved once before the temptation is great, and that's what I wanted to be by myself so I could drink.
I'm sorry to mention this, but I felt as though I should just to be a precaution.
I also agree that the more you read and understand about this illness the better it might be for you to cope, and no you are not selfish in any way, just wondering 'why', so perhaps for him to overcome his depression might be better than knowing 'why'this has all happened, because once we are over it, there could be many issues which are still not resolved and that's where they have to be blocked away and thrown out to sea.
There are many issues which I have never resolved and never will, but now that I have overcome my depression I don't care. L Geoff. x

[Br1sbaneg1rl]

Hello again 🙂

I'm so glad you reached out to someone, we all need support in such distressing times. I also didn't want friends/family thinking less of my partner but I felt like I was drowning so I bit the bullet.

You're so right, each minute does seem like an hour. I'm so glad he has been texting regularly and checking in to see if you are ok, my partner hasn't asked if ok as yet but I'm hopeful that one day soon he might just so I know that I matter to him too.

His mother actually called me today to check in on how I was doing, they know nothing of the suspected depression, only that we were having problems. They are of the mindset that 'everyone has problems and you just knuckle down and get through it' so I can't be 100% open and honest with them as 1) My partner has told me that he doesn't want anyone to know and 2) I fear they will not offer him the support he needs and say things like 'Focus on the money' (from his stressful job), 'snap out of it' etc.

Doesn't a decent nights sleep really work wonders, I drank my tea last night and fell asleep eventually but woke up to a nightmare so I'm not sure where that came from.

Checkin Facebook is not bad at all, you're human. What I struggle with most is if my partner is 'Active Now' yet not chatting to me. We have to remain patient.

Has he returned home yet? How's your day today?

I am very flat today, those herbal tablets do seem to be easing my stomach though. Today is the first day all week that I haven't thrown up so that's a positive 🙂

I look forward to hearing from you soon, N x