I broke up with the man I love and struggling to support his depression

[Georgie1005]

This morning I broke up with the man I love. We have been together for only 3 months but he was like the missing puzzle piece in my life. We immediately talked about our future and happiness.

Around four weeks ago we started fighting - little things that he would be irrational about but I heard his thoughts, shared my own and we usually moved forward. One weekend he told me he needed space. It was out of the blue and immediately I thought the worst. After a whole weekend biting my nails he eventually told me he was very very unhappy and numb and that he thought he was sick. I've had depression but mostly anxiety since I was 20 but after five years I was proud to be mostly able to control my fears and attacks. I accepted and told him I would support him and that I understood.

I really tried - the last two weeks were constant fights and then passion. He began to put himself first and me second which I know he needs to do but he stopped even making me feel like he wanted to see me. All of a sudden my anxiety and attacks which I have tried so hard to stop came back at full force. I would go into this spiralling manic state of fear and insecurities.

We kept fighting and then promising to make it work but that we just needed to give each other support. This weekend we had two big fights in a row where he told me he couldn't deal and I was making it worse. I realised that we were just poisonous to each other and that he couldn't get better while I was around.His first reaction to everything is to be alone - I never understood this because my sickness was the opposite I was scared of having no one there.

I went over this morning, held his hands and told him I loved him but that we were bad for each other right now. That I wanted to be with him and that I believed once he was better he would find a way back to me - back to each other.

He was crying and couldn't look at me. He said he understood but then he said you need to do me a favour and leave. I struggled with that for a while but eventually gave him a note I had written. It explained how much he meant to me and I told him whenever he doubted that he needed to read it. He didn't want it, but I begged him to take it.

He was a mess and I couldn't stand leaving him. I asked him to hug or kiss me but he couldn't

I want him to turn around and realise that I did this for the best and not to hate me.

That is my biggest fear - that he thinks I have given up on him.

Is there any hope?

[geoff]

hello Georgie, sometimes when people have depression they don't anybody's help, you may try and get them to accept that you would be a great help for them, but I think you have answered your own question 'that we are bad for each other right now'.
It doesn't matter how much you love him but it has to be reciprocated otherwise your wasting your time, but when depression hits somebody you are never sure how they feel, except that they want to be by themselves, but this doesn't mean he doesn't love you deep down, but he is unable to say it.
Again being rejected may not mean anything, however your greatest fear is that he doesn't love you, rather than 'I have given up on him', well either way you won't know until he starts to feel better, and when that happens no one can tell.
You won't be able to have a relationship at this point of time, but you can still be a close friend to check on him when ever you want to, but give him some space, but don't pressure him into doing something or accepting that you want a relationship, because he's far away from even accepting this, firstly he needs to go and see his doctor who may decide to prescribe medication and want to send him to see a psychologist.
This doesn't mean that you stop loving him, because by getting in touch with him every now and then will let him know that he has someone to contact when he wants to.
Since you have suffered from anxiety and depression yourself all of this is going to raise these two illness's once again and would suggest that you also go and see your doctor, because one sick person is enough so please let's not include you.
It's going to be long road to recovery here, where you could change your mind but still be in contact with him. Geoff. x

[Georgie1005]

Hi Geoff

Thanks for your advice. I appreciate it. I guess the more I get away from the morning I broke up with him the more I realise that I didn't actually support him enough.

As soon as he told me he wasn't well I made it about me and how he doesn't put me first. In fact he put up with so much of my craziness and insecurities and would always come back and tell me he still wanted to be together.

I guess what I am trying to say is I am getting help but I've also realised I have made a huge mistake and want to try again. I was so blinded by it all I didn't even help him.

In this day and age it is so hard to know what to do and when. I have sent him a text message saying that I didn't want to break up and that I love him. That I knew we would figure this out and that I wanted to talk to him when he was ready.

He hasn't replied and I'm getting scared that I have lost him forever.

I want to go see him and explain that I was upset and made a mistake but I'm terrified he will not want to talk to me and slam the door in my face.

I'm an adult and yet here I find myself crying every day like a 16 year old girl because I made a stupid in the moment mistake and was so selfish in my actions towards him in such a bad time.

I'm lost as to what to do....

[JessF]

Hello Georgie, I think you need to do some self-reflection about these thoughts you're having. You have already said that you react to depression with anxious fears of abandonment; could it be that this is more a fear of being alone rather than a wish to rekindle this relationship, which by your own description above sounded pretty unstable and unhealthy?

If he indeed has issues that he needs to work through, I personally feel it is cruel to complicate things for him further by shifting the goalposts after you have already told him that now is not the time for the two of you to be together. His non-response to your text message should tell you all you need to know.

3 months is not a long time for a relationship. Feelings and emotions always run high at the start, but grandiose plans for the future in what amounts to just a few short weeks suggests to me that neither of your expectations for this relationship were realistic. I would chalk this up to experience and move on.

[Georgie1005]

Hi Jess,

I appreciate the advice.

I have had a few serious relationships and I know how I feel for him is real. The reason it went so quickly is because both our morals and values are the same. For the few months our relationship was pure bliss and we often joked about how we could ever fight.

I agree that if things are unhealthy I shouldn't be telling him these things, but I also feel that based on my own experiences with Anxiety I often can control them when I know they are being unreasonable. Stepping back I now know I was being totally unfair and I will still seek help for this.

Perhaps his non reply is his way of telling me it's over, but I know him as well and I know that when he is dealing with intense emotions he likes to be alone and have some space.

I guess I just have hope. I feel as if I haven't given it my best shot and I would like to give it another go.