Husband with a score of 49 has moved out to avoid triggers.

[Clarkson]

Hi,

I'm new here and have been scouring the forums to find someone in my position. 

My husband has been recently diagnosed with acute depression with scores between 40 and 49. It has been really hard, heartbreaking, watching him going through this. I saved his life about two weeks ago when I took him a coffee out to his shed at just the right time. That's when he sought treatment, he's started medication and has a psychologist and has to check in every day with his amazing GP.

We have three children aged 4-11 and he's been ordered by his health professionals to move out as they are a pretty big trigger. Not because they are bad kids, but because even when they are happy and playing he has break-downs that he can't emerge from. 

It has been really challenging but I had been helping him as much as possible until he moved out yesterday; staying up with him till past 3am every night, holding him (and the tissues) when he can't stop crying - reminding him, when he breaks down about Christmas, that there is no Christmas, just tomorrow - one sunrise at a time. 

I'm pleased that he's gone, for his own health, although I miss him. I guess what I would like to know is how I can help him from afar. It's really important that he knows I'm here if he needs me,  even if it's just crying over the phone. The problem is: he doesn't understand why I care when he's torn our family apart, and is (in his words and head) a complete stuff up. 

I just want him to get better. I'd rather our kids have an absent father than a dead one. If there's any advice anyone has to offer I would really appreciate it. 

Thanks for listening. 

[Doolhof]

Hi Clarkson,

Welcome to the Beyond Blue family. My first question for you, is where is your husband now? Has he moved into a place by himself? Apart from contacting his GP everyday, does he have any other help besides yourself?

How are you coping with all of your husband's needs? It must have been very tiring looking after him and the children as well. 

Is there any way your husband can go into a mental health facility or hospital for care?

It sounds like you are a very loving, caring and supportive wife. You can reassure your husband that he is still a big part of the family, he is valued and appreciated, he just needs time for a break and to try to find himself again.

Can you meet up wit him now and then, not in the home as that might cause him more stress and anxiety knowing he can't stay there at present.

Take him somewhere different, to a park, the beach, a café, a place where you can talk and try to sort things out.

I have been in your husband's shoes many times, and have thought the world would be a better place with out me in it wasting air. I know that has just been the depression talking and it really isn't what I want at all.

Please continue to encourage your husband, to let him know he is not alone, that you want to help him and you will be there for him. Remind him it is his depression telling him negative things. I do so hope he is able to get the help and assistance he needs right now.

Look after yourself as well and your children. Keep an eye on them to see how they are coping without their Dad being at home. Children can believe that problems in the house are caused by them, and then they grow up with a load of issues themselves.

Be honest with your children, let them know what is going on and try to ensure they still have contact with their Dad, even if it is for short periods of time.

I hope others in a similar situation will get back to you. Hope I have helped in some way. Thinking of you all, from Mrs. Dools.

[Clarkson]

Thank you for your reply and welcome, Mrs. Dools.

He had been working about an hour and a half away from where we live, so has rented a room closer to work. He doesn't have anyone to support him there, but I think he's enjoying having his own space with no triggers.

 He actually just called as I was writing this. He's missing the kids. 

His family call him every day to check in too, but they're very much "poor me" about it. His mum calls him crying and he really doesn't need that extra pressure of knowing he's effecting them so much; so he's told them to not expect a call for two days, please don't call him. I hope they listen. 

His Drs advised him to not stop working or go into care, even though his scores are scary, because the extra financial pressure and guilt would be counter-productive to getting better. 

It has not even been two weeks since he started treatment (feels like a lifetime) so fingers crossed his pills help.

I've let him know that we are right here. Nothing disappears because he's not here, and any time he wants or needs we can come to him, or he here, or anywhere in between.

Funny thing, he's quite insistent  that he'll be back to mow the lawn! I am more than capable, but maybe he needs me not to be?  Not sure, but I can let the grass grow if it helps. 

I think you're being a bit too kind to me, I accidentally set him off all the time without knowing why. I really wish I knew why, but sometimes there's just no warning. 

I'm actually doing OK, after looking after the kids all day and hubby all night for so long I really enjoyed the 9hrs I got last night and I'm looking forward to bed tonight. I might even feel human tomorrow. 

Thanks again for the reply, I feel way out of my depth and incredibly alone at the moment. 

[NicoleP]

Hi Clarkson

You seem like a tower of strength - I can't imagine what you have been through. 

I experienced a situation a couple of years ago where I was off work. Not going to work made me feel useless and a burden to society. I didn't need to get out of bed, I didn't need to get dressed and days were long and filled with nothing. I felt embarrassed to be seen in public cos people would ask me why I wasn't at work thus feeding into my feelings of worthlessness. Then, there was more stress when it came to going back to work. So I guess in my experience continuing to go to work can be very important. I think that is why the lawns are important to him.

As for the kids - once again I can only speak from my experience but I hated the kids seeing me in the state I was in and I was concerned about the impact I was having on them. Mums are meant to be strong, the carers not the other way round.

You say that you sometimes set him off. My husband can set me off and it really has nothing to do with what he has said or done but it is about how I am feeling inside. I need a release and he is a good excuse. He loves me unconditionally and so it is safe to take it out on him. I can dish it out to him cos he will take it. He knows what I am doing and doesn't take it personally. Do you think your husband is the same? You are a safe person for him? (Which is a good thing).

Take this time to care for yourself. 

Kezza

[Doolhof]

Hi Clarkson,

I think you are an amazing lady to love and care for your husband so much. I suffer from depression and stress quite badly sometimes and my husband just tells me "that's no good" and walks away. I suppose that is his way of dealing with it.

Regarding you setting your husband off, from my experience, I would say it is your husband's reaction to what you say or do that is setting him off. I have realised that I over react to things my husband says or does, or doesn't do. I am trying to learn to not take it all to heart, to let it roll off me like water from a duck's back.

After years of taking everything to heart, it is hard to let go. Hopefully your husband will learn to do this as well. When I am feeling low, I quite often blow up just in my husband's presence it seems! Hopefully this will help you understand it may not be something you actually do that sets your husband off, but the way his brain has been functioning for ages, sets him off. Like me he needs to run a new program in his mind to alleviate the old habit!

We all need to feel wanted, loved and appreciated, so I am pleased to read you are happy to let the lawn grow so your husband can come and mow it. He will get great satisfaction out of feeling needed and helpful.

So now you have this extra time to yourself, how about you make the most of it and pamper yourself a little. What kind of things do you like doing for yourself. Do you like to read, do craft, go to a movie with friends ( ask someone to come and look after the children for the evening) watch your favourite DVD, dress up for dinner just because you can, or what ever else come to mind.

Have you sought advice for yourself on how to deal with all of this? You could use the Beyond Blue phone line, webchat, or look in the phone book to see if there are other support groups you could contact for advise.

Like I wrote before, I think you are amazing, and your husband is lucky to have such a supportive wife and partner. Look after yourself, enjoy the children, and also this new chapter in your relationship with your husband.

Cheers for now, From Mrs. Dools

[geoff]

dear Clarkson, sometimes it would be great to know a name or even a fake name because when we get posts like this,we feel as though it's one that we want to reply to in a compassionate way, we still can, but it's such an emotional one as Mrs. Dools has mentioned.

I feel so much for you, the children and your husband, but how do we explain depression and why Daddy has to move out to them, in a way that they can comprehend, and this extends to you yourself, because your worry is raised up to another level, will he be OK by himself.

Well he still has you and the children in his thoughts as do you, plus he's just started his medication and in the early days, so you won't know if it helps him or not, but the doctor is is monitoring him daily, and when he starts saying that he doesn't need to see him/her everyday, then that's a real bonus, because the medication is beginning to have an affect on him.

This will also show when he wants to come around home more often, but he will still be a bit fragile, and sensitive if there is too much noise, because when you are going through depression too much disturbance will trigger a pain attack and then depression will evolve.

I do realise that it's like stepping on egg shelves, but with children aged between 4-11 there is obviously a pecking order, a tussle for the favourite toy and plenty of crying, but they are just being kids.

I wonder if his counsellor can address this, just a thought.

I must admit that it's never easy for the spouse/partner to learn on how to cope with their other half when they are depressed, so as Mrs. Dools has said that you need to look after yourself, and perhaps seek some counselling for yourself.

I would also suggest clicking on 'resources' at the top of this page, and order all the printed material from BB, it's all free but very informative.

Indeed you are a lovely lady, wife and mother and I to want to offer as much support as possible. L Geoff. x

[Clarkson]

Thanks Geoff, I'm trying my gosh darned hardest.

 That's a good point you raised about the noise. Two or more voices at once starts... something. I wish I had the right words for things. I know when he's feeling capable he wants the kids to stay over with him, but I think one at a time will be better. It will take over an hour for me to get to him if I need to.

But I don't want to trigger a sad by suggesting that. He's kind of paranoid about what I'm thinking, even though I'm incredibly honest, he kind of projects what he thinks is going on in my head and attributes it to me. Does that make sense? Like when the day of leaving was nearing I bought him all the things I knew he didn't have headspace to remember, like soap and toothpaste and sheets. I'm detail oriented and was trying to be helpful, he's sure I think he can't take care of himself or I was trying to hurry his leaving. 

See what I mean about setting him off? 

You're both right, I need to look at more resources to understand all this better. 

We just moved to this town town 5 months ago, so I have no friends or family here. But I did manage to make a coffee date with a school mum for today whilst my son is at 3yo kindy for a few hours. I'm really looking forward to it. 

Thank you both for the perspective from the other side, it is really useful for an outside view from someone who lives this and a reminder that it's not him and it's not me - his brain is just working differently right now. 

I don't know if things will ever be the same as they were with  (let's call him) Rick, if we'll ever even live under the same roof. And of course we can't talk about it, he's only allowed to think one week into the future  (but try to make it three days to be safe).

I'll check in soon to let you know how things are going, it's early days. 

xox

[LML]

May the force be with you Clarkson, I'm at the beginning of the journey with my hubby too & I'm "hearing" similar things. Yoga breath & virtual hug from me- not much else to offer yet!

[geoff]

dear Clarkson, I often say that I don't like the word' assume' and I have just remembered why because of your comment ' he kind of projects what he thinks is going on in my head and attributes it to me.'

When I was in hospital and still married at that stage, and the doctor was talking to the both, he said that if you 'assume' what's going to happen, you can be so out of whack to expect for it to happen.

I truly hope that you and the other mum get on, and why wouldn't it, as you seem to be a very caring and interesting person. L Geoff. x

[Guest_9466]

Wishing you all the best, Clarkson. Nothing more I can add here, except to say, you are an incredible person.

 MG