Husband's drinking & depression, don't know how much longer I can do this....

[Littleweed]

Hi

Long story short.  I love my Husband.  I've been with him 5 years, married for almost 3.  I knew he had problems with alcohol before and his family think he's all better since we got together, but that's becuase they don't see what I have to deal with.  He doen't drink every day, but he can't go a week without getting smashed and he also can't have one, he has to be last one standing or the world will officially end (so I'm told). 

There is a history of mental illness in his family (his father passed away from dementia, his eldest Brother is on various kinds of meds for stress & depression and has also had counselling.  My Hubby thinks he is "weak" becuase of this.  Hubby can['t tolorate weakness or the thought that anything can be wrong with him.  BUt I know what depression is, I've recovered myself and I see it.

When he drinks, he gets worse.  He

hates himself, life, everything (he hates everything normally anyway but magnify it by 1000 when he is drunk).  Ive had to watch him head butt walls, punch doors, throw anything he can get his hands on, all while screaming at me. How I'd be much better off without him and he is a useless waste of space.  When he is like this there is no talking to him, I can plead, beg as much as I want, he won't listen.

It hit a head a week ago.  I was away for the evening and he had been out all day with his buddies.  He called my crying, begging for help.  I drove home like a maniac.I didn't sleep that night.  I had to stop him choking on his own vomit twice all while being told thins was all my fault and please just

end it for him while he slept.

I'm 38, I want kids.  The marriage still hasn't been consumated because he was drunk the entire honeymoon and I refuse to be a single parent. 

I' m so scared

I love him but

I can' t do this anymore.  I can't be terrified the entire time he'll get hammered and end it all.  He says when he is sober hos favourtie words are "unfortunately" and "disaster" becuase that is what life is to him.  I'm losing myself because of this.  I'm sinking myself and I don't want to be there again.

Thank you for listening.  Even just doing this helped so much.xxx

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[geoff]

dear Littleweed, thank you so much for coming to this site, as you are facing an enormous problem here, and because you are the one who has posted, then you are the one I am responding to.

It's such a young marriage but already the problems are ones that need urgent attention by your husband.

There are many different definitions on whether someone is an alcoholic, some say if you can't go a day without a drink, then you are, while others say that you're not, however if you drink until you are smashed then some say that you are an alcoholic, my belief is that he is.

Not consummating the marriage after 3 years then there is a real problem, because you marry to love and share the experiences of your life, and so the attraction towards each other, and I'm talking about physical attraction, where the husband and wife have a sexual experience, which then starts a family begins, but it hasn't and must be very disappointing for you, and I'm not sure that many people know of this, but it's a secret here.

Personally I can't tell you what to do, that's your decision, but I can advice you.

He doesn't want to feel weak, so he gets smashed, proving to himself that he isn't, where in fact he has a real problem, he's in denial, but is going well overboard, and I don't believe that it's safe for you to be with him, because eventually his violence will change from hitting the wall to then hitting you, and if or when this happens he will apologise the next day, but the damage has been done and will happen again.

I have seen this time after time, not only in a marriage, but in a father son relationship, who would demand money off his dad, ( maybe slightly different to your situation but the principle is the same) and if his dad didn't give him any then the son would actually hurt his father.

So we have your situation, where the marriage hasn't been consummated, he drinks excessively, OK not everyday, causes damage to the walls, doors and anything else that now need to be repaired, and what do you tell the person who is fixing it, and your husband is far away from getting any help, and you are in danger.

I hope to hear back from you. L Geoff. x

[Littleweed]

Thank you for taking the time to read this.  The relief made me cry. There's so much more to the story.  He isn't a bad person. I think he also has borderline aspergers as he can't deal with upset or if something is out of place or doesn't go to plan he can't cope. A simple trip in the car can turn into a ranting, swearing situation.  I dread holidays and try to avoid them as he said he hates them. He almost got arrested at JFK after a full on meltdown in immigration!!This is why I cut him a lot of slack. I think that life itself must freak him out & depress him because it can't be the ordered way he needs it to be.

Although he has massive aggressive issues and no patience or tolerance of others,  he has never once directed it at me. He wants to destroy himself,  not me. 

I'll admit last year the frustration got the better of me and I lashed out. I missed him and broke my hand on the door. I'm so ashamed.  Utterly ashamed. 

He doesn't see he needs help. Today is a good day and he is calm but I know the next crash can come at any time for any reason. 

My family have pushed for various reasons for me to stay and "make it work" even going as far as saying they can't believe how nice he is when they see him and how nice we are together.  It's practically calling me a liar and I hate it. 

I just don't know how to help him. I've tried, I've stayed, I've begged. I can't make him see. He will not get any kind of help as it's a weakness and disgraceful (his words, not mine). I'm struggling so much right now. I just want it to stop. Xx

[Neil_1]

Hi there Littleweed

This is a very tough situation that you’re in, as you’re no doubt fully aware.

But for me, there are warning signs flashing everywhere – warning that I think this is only going to get worse for you.   And the very fact that you say the marriage hasn’t been consummated yet – that usually happens further down the track – but not first up.

I think there are possibly two options here;  whoops, no, sorry three.

1.  That hubby wishes to seek help with his drinking and gets professional advice on how to help him with his drinking, but also with his moods – which don’t appear to be positive at all – perhaps a GP would be the first port of call;

2. The situation stays the same as is (not what I’m hearing that you want – and rightly so);  or

3. It might be time to make a big decision and to end this relationship – if it’s at this point after just three years, do you think the future is going to get better or change?  &

4. Try to seek out counselling – relationships Australia or something like that – as a last ditch attempt to resurrect things.

Ok, I mis-counted, that was four and not three.

I hope I haven’t over-stepped the mark in my above response and would dearly love to hear back from you on this.

Neil

[Littleweed]

Hi Neil

No, you certainly didn't overstep the mark.  You put in black and white what's been going round in my head for years.

He doesn't admit he has a problem and although I've spoken to my own GP, there is nothing they can do until Hubby goes to see them himself....which he won't.

The situation can't continue.  I'm losing myself, my focus.  It's dragging me down now too and I hate to sound delfish, but I need to start looking after me.

I'n the 5 years we've been together I've "moved out" twice.  Never for very long and not withe the intention of ending it, but just to give us both some space.  It half worked the first time in that his drinking cut down for a while before returning to normal, the second time I got "yeah, do what you want" becuase he knows now I'm a weakling who is so worried about him.  I feel like I'm abandoning a child!! 

Recently, since his "incident" at Christmas, that's changed.  I've come into the new year thinking "enough is enough".  It's not just that, my Sister-in-Law is expecting, found out Christmas Eve.  We've been married the same amount of time (give or take) and while I'm thrilled to bits for her, I'm sad for me too as it's where i should be.  It's also focused both families attention on me a bit more and uncomfortable questions are now being asked.  I can't stand it.

I know I hae to get out and stay out this time as he will not change.  There is too much going on in his head and he will not accept it or help and I ca't watch him destroy himself.

I wanted to be out by now, right after it blew up but again mt Parents are "oh hang on, give it time to settle, see how you jobs takes you, don't rush into anything stupid...."  As you can tell, I'm getting really frustrated with this too.  I'm getting sick to death of considering everyone elses needs and wants before mine.  I'm worried it's going to turn into hate.........

I'm so sorry for the rant.xx

[white knight]

Hi littleweed, welcome also.

You've had some of the top experienced regular responders answer your thread. And I agree with their answers.

Blunt- cut him lose. Sad as it is, you must look after yourself as you said.

I had a situation whereby my mother refused to seek help for her BPD. We have at this point been separated for 5 years. And its permanent.

Please also read this thread. Use search or google to find it-

Your attitude is not a mental illness

Does stubbornness have a place?

Marriage isnt what you have. Find true love where you are respected and adored and where your husband, if he has a problem, tackles it in a mature responsible way so you dont suffer.

Tony WK

[rosie124]

dear littlewee

I married a  man very similliar  to your  husband he drank a lot  he also told me  he would stop  he also threathend  self harm  i wanted tobelieve  he wouldstop so  i stayed  for 8 years  to long things didnt  get better  instead they got worse  and we end up with no love for each  only  a fear so great that he would hurt my 3 sons  that one night  we left our home  and lived the next 3 years on the run     now my sons are older  i am finding out that   he  abused them  in ways to now i have to live with guilt that i should have left alot   earlier  all 3 have problems  now      thank goodness you dont  have kids  iwish you well and hope you  get freedom

[Littleweed]

Dear White Knight

Thank you too.

It's been the biggest relief to be able to speak freely and not be judged.  I feel like a weight is off my shoulders as I no longer am carrying about a secret that's hurting me.

Hubby will tell you he is spiteful.  He does things out of spite.  He also says I'm the same, although that tends to be when things aren't going his way!

He is the youngest of 4 Brothers so has been "babied" his entire life and it's almost like he is still the stroppy teenager and I just need him to grow out of it!

I was hoping he'd look at the next Brother up (the one eho is now going to be a Dad) and that would make him "man up" if his nearest drinking buddy has gone.  If anything, it's made him worse!  He can't see that what his Brother has done is grow the heck up and realise his wife is more important than getting hammered!  He sees this as being under his wife's thumb, weakness, wimp.

I'm so close to being able to just get out but like I said, I'm taking flack from my Mum just now about giving it longer etc.  I want to ask when is enough, enough?? 

I'm not going to lie.  There have been some dark and miserable thoughts crossed my mind when things have been really bad.  But I'm so utterly determined not to let myself go there, I fight it off.  When I've tried to explain this to my Parnets I'm told to stop being dramatic and selfish!!

Yes, I need to go.  my heart I love him, but I'm not in love with him and I kow there is a massie difference.  I care about my Hubby and I worry about him, but he isn't my child.

Thank you so much for listening.xx

[Neil_1]

Dear Littleweed

Thanx so much for your latest replies and to hear further thoughts on this situation.

I’ve also read Rosie’s response a couple of times, and I from that, there is a strong message being delivered here.  The longer this goes on, simply, the worse it’s going to get.

What has pleased me to read is that you’ve already “moved out” twice before.  May I ask on those occasions was the time spent apart a lengthy amount of time;  AND how did you feel at the time when you were apart?   Was he the kind who was wanting you to come back – making drunken phone calls for you to come back?

I also hear that you’ve mentioned your parents quite a bit and the thoughts and advice that they are providing.  And from all I’m reading this is not helping your situation one bit – and this is where you need to make the stance and say (even to yourself – but possibly to them as well):   “This is my life.  I am not happy in the situation I’m in and haven’t been happy for such a long time now.  I’ve tried many times over and over in the past, but nothing changes.”

I could go on, but I think you’ve got my gist here.  Bottom line is:  your parents are no doubt of the older generation where you stick together no matter what and that they’ll be bitterly disappointed if your own marriage doesn’t work.  I had to face this myself a long time ago;   and my Dad in particular was really cut up when my wife and I separated and eventually divorced.  And I’ve gotta say that I probably hung in there longer than I wanted too, because of my Dad.  I loved my Dad so much (and still do as he’s no longer here, I miss him like crazy) and it hurt me that I was doing something that disappointed him;   but the marriage just wasn’t to be and after all the dust settled, everything was fine again.

I met another person and my parents warmed to her as I knew they would.  But whoops, slight digression there.

LW – bottom line here is:  I believe we only get one crack at this life we’re living;  and if you’re in a situation that is not making you happy and causing you major stress, then you need to think about and look after just one person – and that is you.

One last comment (sorry, I get too carried away with words sometimes – no that’s not right – nearly all the time):   do you have a place where you can go for the interim, while you sort things out and prepare for a new future?

Kind regards

Neil

[geoff]

dear LW, there have many replies back to you which have all been excellent, except for Rosie's which is truly a situation that we never wish would happen, but the best comment is by Neil, my good friend, who has said ' I believe we only get one crack at this life we’re living', and then by Tony, also my good friend when he says 'cut him lose'.

You have a life which now only you can decide on, your mother can suggest, but it's up to you whether or not you want her to tell you what to do, but times change, generations think differently these days, and elderly people who have suggestions may work at in the present time, but will they be beneficial as time progress's, probably not, tomorrow is another day.

What ever was suggested to me 10 years ago, nothing has come true, my life has done a full circle. L Geoff. x