Husband porn relapse

[Lostforwords21]

Hi all,

About 3 years ago I found some messages on my husbands phone and it unravelled that he had a porn addiction which had moved to IMing random people. I was devestated and we worked with a counsellor to move through it and he went to see someone regularly to keep on top of his addiction.

Today I found new messages while using his laptop and confronted him. He told me he relapsed 6months ago and was too ashamed to tell me.

I'm not sure what to do now. He's called his therapist and rang our counsellor to make a time with her, but last time I said I couldn't do this again.

Was I being unreasonable thinking he wouldn't relapse?

[Gabs_]

Hi Lostforwords21,

I'm sorry you are going through this, and I am sure you feel like you are stuck between a rock and a hard place. If you allow him to stay whilst you are waiting for appointments, how is that going to make you feel? But if you ask him to leave and give you space, is that just going to exacerbate his behaviour? I wish I could help you choose the right thing to do, but essentially, I think you have to be selfish and put your needs first. He has broken your trust and hasn't followed through on the agreed plan you both had. You are obviously hurt and let down, so what do you need to get through this? Is it space? Is it yelling at the top of your lungs (or into a pillow)?

Only you can know how much you love him, how much hurt the broken trust has caused, and if you want a future together. There is hard work no matter which way you choose. I understand how much it can hurt when someone you love promises you one thing, but then their actions demonstrate another. You're angry, you're sad, you're disappointed, and it just sucks.

Maybe, as daft as it may sound, you could do a pros and cons list with the scenarios of staying and leaving. Once you have that down, could you rate the level of discomfort you feel about each item and then what a strategy to combat that item would be to move forward. Eg. Con of staying is constantly feeling you need to check his phone or laptop; the rating is a 9 in discomfort because it makes you feel sick and like you are having to parent him; the strategy to move forward is having parent lock on devices that only you have passcode for. You could even use the pros and cons list to help devise strategies together in order to make your relationship work, so you are both committing to the task needed to rectify the issue. And maybe that's where you talk with him if a breach of trust happens again?

In the meantime, maybe you could speak to a therapist separately to talk through how you are feeling? Relationships Australia have some good resources and you could speak to someone there to talk through how you are feeling.

Sending you big virtual hugs.

[Summer Rose]

Hi Lostforwords

Thanks for the update. I was going to write you a response very similar to the great one provided by Gabs. However, I’m not going to repeat, so will share a story.

My husband is a work-a-Holic. Big job, constant pressure and demands. Gone minimum 12 hours a day, six days per week. You get the idea.

It wasn’t an issue pre-kids, as I was just as busy with my career. But things changed for me with motherhood and he promised to be home more.

Couples counseling, new time management skills, leadership courses, hiring a deputy, etc. Nothing worked. He broke every promise he made.

It got to the point that I had to accept this behaviour was not going to change and that I had to decide whether or not I could live with it.

I’m not suggesting your counseling will be futile—and I hope you get a better outcome than me. I just think you need to put yourself first and think long term.

Kind thoughts to you