Husband of 24 years - unfaithful and confused

[Violet1990]

I am looking for some support for my situation as I am totally at a loss at what to do. Brief story, my husband has been on antidepressants for 5 years or more, mainly to calm him and his verbal outbursts. I have supported him and we moved on together and have been very happy. Last six months he has spiralled out of control. He has joined dating websites, slept with a prostitute and  seeked out gay men. He has admitted to everything but denies he is gay or slept with a man. We have been to counsellors and he is seeing a physiatrist, although only one appointment so far. He loves me very much, I know this, but every time I feel myself slowly accepting his behaviour as a very confused man, I find out something else. This is my fault as I have lost the trust and I am searching for things. Three nights ago he did not come home and says he slept in his car at the beach. He swears he done nothing wrong, just needed time to think. Am I being paranoid? I have asked him to move out to find himself and I will be here when he does. But he cries and says he loves me and does not want to go. If anyone can offer words of support or how to help me handle my husband, I would be very greatful.

[white knight]

Hi Violet, welcome here to Beyond Blue forums

You are a darling. You have accepted all of his behaviour and you still hang onto your husband regardless. And you seek help here- what a champion lady you be.

Your judgement to put up with his behaviour is for you to judge and accept or not accept. For him to express he doesnt want to leave is a declaration of how important you are to him. And you havent taken that likely.

I suggest a holiday...and soon. Find out what is now making him tick. Seek out his inner soul.  You can start with him by saying "well you have done a lot of things in the last few months that I dont approve of. But I love you and want to understand why you have gone off track...open up to me because I love you". Or similar.

Also you might want to introduce some basic rules. eg never leave the property during/after an argument (also for safety reasons), give each other space during the cool down period, have a cuppa and calm chat after all has settled.

Take care and post as often as you please.

[Violet1990]

Thank you for your kind words. Although I am far from a champion lady, definitely don't feel like I am.

My husband has had his medication changed and is taking it, which is good. I suppose I want answers as to why he has behaved the way he has, when our life (through my eyes) seemed great. 

There was a period a couple of years ago where our business failed and we moved on. I returned to full time work and still do and I support us financially. He is trying and I have let him live his dreams of inventing and forego the financial contribution he should of been making. 

Besides the money side, our love life (again through my eyes) seemed very regular and exciting. This is why I am so gutted at the path he chose. When I ask for answers the reply comes back"I don't know". 

Maybe he honestly does not know, and I have given ample opportunity for him to lay the cards out on the table, both privately and in counselling situations. Yet still, he hides things and then when I confront him with new revelations, I get the same answer of "I don't know".

So, in ending this post, (and it feels good to be writing this down, so thank you BB for a great forum), I am seeking the strength to see this out and whatever happens, happens.

It is just such a hard road, and at times very lonely. 

[white knight]

Hi again Violet,

mmm, I see now where you are coming from quite clearly now.

Inventing, yep tried that. Certainly , no, absolutely not an ideal career. I've been there- tried inventing a battery powered scooter (before they became known), making, marketing and hoping to sell scarecrows as gifts and inventing radio controlled model cars, again before they became commonplace.

But at all times I never entertained the thought of allowing my partner to do the hard boring yards working while I carried on with my hobby.  Then if you do invent something feasible it is a long long road to success to the point of making an income and a small one at that. Sorry Violet, with more detail the picture is quite different.

"I dont know" is not an adequate reply and I feel he is taking you for a ride. But you know him better than I do.

If you add all this up and also the infidelity then it doesnt look good. I know if I played up at all in these areas my wife would have booted me out immediately.

It's a sad situation. In the end it's you gut feeling you have to  rely on. If you go your separate ways remember- you did no wrong and you deserve better.

[Violet1990]

Hello again. Reading your comments makes my husband sound bad and yes he has done bad things. But I am accepting that he was in a dark place and not aware of his actions. This I have to believe, and if the future proves me wrong, at least in my heart I have given this man and my marriage a real good shot.

He did purchase a lawn mowing round, which he worked at occasionally, and how now picked up the pace because I put my foot down.

Sorry your inventions did not work, they all are successful in their own right, maybe you were ahead of your time.

The hard thing for me, is that we had so many wonderful years together, two amazing children, not living at home, so that is good at the moment. I want to see the good in him again, and it has only been four weeks since I found out about the infidelity. I owe him that much to let him try sort this situation out.

All I want in return, is honesty, and the ability to trust. So I guess, I have answered a lot of my own questions and now the ball is in his court. How he decides to play it is his decision. But I do know that I will not accept any more lies, starting from this minute. Thank you again and thank you BB, and I hope everyone out there who is living with a mentally ill partner, child or friend seeks help and support.

I hope my future posts are positive and happy ones, as I am to young (45) and have to much to live for to let this man destroy me.

[Snoman]

Hi Violet,

The first thing that struck me reading your posts is that his behaviour appears to me to fall under the category of high-risk behaviour that can be associated with depression.

I admit I am out of my depth with how to handle that, but my thoughts are to discuss it with him from that perspective.  Is it possible for you to also go to a session with his psychiatrist to make sure that they are aware and they may give you some help.

Before I was diagnosed and on the recovery road, I didn't do things that I should have as a responsible parent and husband.  When my wife confronted me, I too answered "I don't know" - because I truly didn't.  My behaviour wasn't logical to me either.  I lacked motivation to do the important things, so I filled my time inappropriately.  I believe that was me trying to find some enjoyment in life, or at least just a different feeling.

Snoman

[Violet1990]

Thank you for your reply. It has been a while since I have posted anything. 

Things have been a roller coaster and my husband now diagnosed with bipolar 2, and the medication begins.

Today  he is very up, positive, and ready to fix his life. I am happy for him, but scared also. I know this is going to take time and there will ups and downs. I hope so much that I can handle what is going to happen.

Living apart will help, that I am sure of. Day by day and positive thoughts will hopefully get us both through this.

Wendy

[geoff]

dear Wendy, I thought that I had replied back to you, but obviously not, or unless it wasn't passed, sorry I can't remember.

It seems to be a precarious situation for the both of you, and I know that he has been diagnosed with bipolar, but even so it's no reason why he should have done what he has done, and I'm thinking aloud here, and not meaning to hurt either you or him, so I hope that I don't upset you, as I'm saying 'just thinking aloud'.

I have never had bipolar, but I have clicked onto a bipolar site where it says 'that hyper-sexuality can occur and 'having sex with multiple sex partners, including strangers', and please anyone with bipolar can correct me on this so google this and items 5 and 6 down are interesting 'would bipolar make you sleep with different sexes'.

You are facing such a difficult time ahead, and this includes your husband, and it's going to be rollercoaster of a ride, and perhaps by living apart will help the situation, but even so his constant contact with you could be a tiring time for you.

This forum is for people who are on both sides of the fence, and as it's your post we are obliged to answer your worries, so I do feel sorry for you, and really hope that his medication actually helps him, which then brings me to the point of how you are coping yourself, and I don't believe very well, so can I suggest that you go and see your own doctor, and perhaps you may need some professional assistance, because no one can go through all of this unscathed, and in deed we want to help you so much. L Geoff. x

[Violet1990]

Hi geoff

thank you for your encouraging words. I am seeing a therapist which helps. I feel like I should be more supportive and understand more. But I am numb and must continue to work and carry on. Each day brings new challenges to me and I am sure to my husband to. Only time can heal.