Husband has developed a serious infatuation

[Not_Having_It_All]

Hi everyone. Long time reader, first time posting. My husband has had depression for at least the last 7 years. He’s had a couple of big breakdowns and we are in a bad place right now. We had a young lady staying with us as a traveller and in 10 weeks he has formed an extremely tight relationship with her and thinks he loves her. She’s gone home and told him she doesn’t feel like that but it’s triggered his depression again as he says she’s the best friend he’s ever had, that he loves her and that he’s never been happy until he met her. He’s been deleting messages, lying to me and generally being deceptive. Nothing has happened even though he wanted it to. It appears he left it until she left to reveal his feelings. While she was here he was childish and irresponsible (she’s 20 and he’s 47!) and now he feels lonely. I want so desperately to help him (again) and he’s been back to the GP and to two therapy sessions but he keeps messaging her that he loves her. She’s at least telling him that’s wrong but it’s tearing me apart. How do I support him? Is this part of the depression cycle or do I walk away? Thanks for your advice.

[Lonelydan]

Hello, This must be heartbreaking and such a horrible situation your husband has put you in. To have such a supportive partner like yourself is a blessing. He is responsible for his own actions and you are not the glue that holds his pieces together. Did he really think someone young enough to be his child would like him what deluded thinking. If it were me I’d tell him that the relationship is over, your free to enjoy yourself and your pathetic mid life crisis. Dan

[geoff]

hello Not Having it All, your husband has been suffering from depression for quite awhile, however he suddenly believed that a girl half his age would be able to make him feel better, well maybe this could have happened, but not by believing that she would accept his sexual approaches, that's being unrealistic as you would know.
She doesn't want anything to do with him, she has gracefully accepted your offer to house her, but never wanted anything like this to ever happen, and when she travels again, she will be very careful where she stays next time, or it may even turn her off travelling anymore.
This can absolutely add on to his depression with this obsession, and I think it's going to a long time before he recovers, or what may happen is that he could go out looking for younger girls 'to talk with', or jump onto an online dating service, which he may try and conceal, so what he will do is uncertain, but it will start causing you to become depressed, that's what we don't want.
So it is part of the depression cycle, but now it's become worse and do suggest you consider your options, whether you want to tough it out or leave him, because you must look after yourself, that's your first priority. Geoff.