Husband depressed Says he wants to leave Advice please!

[Imagine]

Hi My husband of over 20 years suffers depression and is going through a relapse right now.

I have a chronic autoimmune disease which restricts my life considerably, (constant pain, fatigue, can't drive because of frequent falls/blackouts, although I lead as active and independent a life as possible, working part time, maintaining the house etc).

He has just told me he thinks he wants to leave me, he still loves me, but cannot cope with my illness and it's restrictions on our life anymore. I am devastated as this came as a complete shock.

We celebrated our 21st anniversary only 5 weeks ago and he gave me a card signed always and forever and told me he wanted to go shopping for an eternity ring. We still love each other (he said this - not my assumption).

There are other factors affecting his mental state at present, facing his own mortality after discovering he needs cholesterol meds for the rest of his life, work pressure and losing our beloved dog after 15 years.

I have tried hard not to put any pressure on him, just asked him not to decide until his depression is back under control. He has voluntarily made an appointment to see a counsellor and is already on antidepressant meds which have helped previously.

What I'd like to know, from anyone who has experienced his pain, is what I can do to help?

I am not pushing him in any way, suggesting treatments or anything. I am trying to give him space but I told him the door is always open and that I will take my cues from him.

I told him I will always be his friend no matter what, that I am not angry with him at all. I did say that I think at least some of the pressure of my illness is because he chooses to take on the burden to "fix" things and try and "take care" of me without my wanting/asking/needing/demanding anything. 

I've asked him to try not to do that, to stand back and wait until I ask for help if I need it, and maybe see that the burden is not as bad as he thinks and is not all coming from me.

But I am absolutely heartbroken and I cannot hide my tears and I fear that I might be adding guilt to the awful pain he is already facing. I haven't said anything to anyone, I am hoping that this is the depression talking and that we may still have a future together but I feel like I am holding a tiny candle alight in a huge, dark room.

Thank you to anyone who may be able to offer their thoughts.

[Kaylina]

Hi imagine,

it is beautiful that you have come here to try and understand, and it's a testament to your commitment to him. 

I can can only speak from my own personal experience - but I have a wonderful, amazing, supportive partner - who offered to even stay home from work today to be with me because things are quite black right now. This warmth, love and support makes me feel worse. Makes it all feel so very unequal. Makes me feel like a terrible burden on him. He wants to see me smile, to hear me sing, to see me laugh - and every minute that I can't do those things, it compounds my feeling of failure. 

Every time one he cooks dinner for us - something that I have always done, it makes me angry at myself that I didn't, that I hadn't. I made him go to work today because him being here, all the time, asking if I am okay - if he can do anything - just makes me feel totally useless. 

Again, this is just my personal experience. He may be thinking about leaving because the dynamic has been him as the caregiver, not the receiver, and he isn't sure how to ask for it. Separating after 21 years is a big call, and as hurtful as it may seem, it's actually a positive sign that he is talking about options that don't involve harming himself. 

Give him the space to explore this reality. Maybe take a trip away and stay with friends or family for a week or two ? Let him have the house - his own physical space - and then get some counselling together to see what you can work out. 

It's a lot of history, and a lot of love to walk away from. I think that maybe he is just needing a break to figure everything out. With no pressure (not that you're putting any on him, just that the guilt exists anyway) to get 'better'. 

I hope ole things work out for you imagine. All the best. 

[geoff]

dear Imagine, I think that you are a lovely lady but suffering illness's on two fronts, and this must be heart wrenching for you.

You want to try and achieve what ever you physically can, so that it's not a burden on him, and you should be commended on this.

There's always the fight that people with an illness like yours want to fight and do things themselves, it's because there is the determination and strong will to do so.

You say that this is a relapse, and can I ask how many of these has he had.

The loss of losing your dog is definitely a very difficult event to have happened, and I only know too well as I lost my own puppie of 18 years a few months ago, and I too had a temporary relapse and was struggling for awhile, and even now I miss her so much, and no other dog can ever replace her, but I now have another puppie, and she has her funny little idiosyncrasies.

He has to try and realise that a lot of people have to take cholesterol medication, as I have to for probably the rest of my life, but maybe he doesn't have to take many pills so this may upset him.

You are doing everything possible, such as getting your distance and giving him the space he needs.

I don't want to alarm you in any way, but please keep an eye on him and what he's up to, as I do worry that because of his depression he may go a step further, and you can still do this by keeping your distance from him.

You are as I have said a lovely wife, and I'm sure that your husband is as well, but depression changes our personality and we tend to think of negative thoughts, those that we would never ever think of, and please let us know how he gets on with the counsellor. All the best. L Geoff. x

[Imagine]

Hi Kaylina,

Thank you so very much for taking the time and making the effort to give me such an insightful and supportive response, especially when you are enduring such a difficult time yourself. I hope that this passes for you soon and that there are better days ahead. You said you feel a sense of failure but I can see your strength and compassion in your words.

Your advice and perspective is very valuable. I can see that he is struggling with the exact feelings you described so well. I moved into the spare bedroom at the opposite end of our big house (I offered to go and stay with family but this was what he wanted me to do, he's not ready to tell anyone else). I am not fussing over him, still expecting him to do what he can in the sense that I am leaving him to get on with his own chores (unless of course he was to ask for help), and just trying to treat him as I would a flatmate, pleasant and kind but not doing everything and overwhelming him with one-sided giving. I don't like or tolerate fussing when I am sick either. I have encouraged him to go out for a drink with his workmates tonight (something he likes to do, not pushing him to socialise when he wants peace, I simply said it's fine with me), that kind of thing. Your perspective has helped me to feel more certain that I am taking the right tack.

I do understand the guilt you feel, I feel the same way when my physical illness stops me from participating in our life together. There are many similarities between chronic physical and chronic mental illnesses, especially as my illness is mostly invisible so it's hard for others to understand.

Again, thank you for the help you have given me. I wish you all the best.

Imagine x

[Imagine]

Hi Geoff,

Thank you so much for your thoughts, for taking the time to answer my post and for your encouraging words.

My husband has had a couple of serious depressive episodes previously in the time I have known him, but he also suffered undiagnosed and untreated depression as a teenager (he's 44 now). He had a difficult childhood with a cruel and mentally abusive father and he's an amazing man to have coped as well as he has.

I am sorry for the loss of your dog. They are such special friends and the bond of that unconditional and uncomplicated love is one of the greatest gifts we have in this life. Losing our girl has been very hard. We have two cats who are helping to soothe a broken heart, but no one animal can replace another, even though you love them equally as much.

I agree with you about the cholesterol medicine but I am perhaps a little blasé about medicines because I've had to take so many of them for so long myself. His physical health has always been good so this is his first brush with his own mortality and that has definitely rocked him.

It is a great comfort to be told I am doing the right thing. If the worst happens, and he does find he needs to leave, I will at least know I did the best thing I could.

I discussed the possibility of suicide with him and he promised me he would not do that - that he would tell me if the feelings got that bad. I have taken the precaution of hiding my strong pain meds just in case, because I think it would be easy to lose even a heartfelt sincere promise in the vastness of the pain he is feeling

I will update you on his progress when he sees the councillor. I think it's a positive sign that he is still choosing to talk openly to me. He hugged me when he left for work today and I think I can see a little less weight on his shoulders. I'm not watching and assessing his every move or expecting any progress, it's more a sense that my approach is right - that he isn't carrying my reactions and fears as  additional pressure on his already heavily burdened shoulders.

Once again, a heartfelt thank you for your advice and support. All the best.

Imagine x

[giggles]

Hey Imagine

Something I use loads by the way. 

Its an oldie but goodie.

If you love something set it free if it comes back it is yours if it doesn't it never was.

I have experienced this a few times with different people.

All the best

Giggles.

[Imagine]

Hi Giggles,

Thank you.

Those oldies but goodies last so long because of the truth they contain.

I think that is very good advice and that is exactly what I am hoping for and trying to do. I am not a Buddhist, but the Abbott Ajahn Brahm, tells a story about true love vs romantic love. True love is when you can imagine your partner, leaving you a letter saying he/she has found someone else, that they are truly happy, and you find yourself able to accept this.

That is how I feel. I don't believe my illness is the whole problem, it would have torn us apart long ago if it was, but if it turns out I am wrong and my illness is the problem, I know I can let him go freely with the wish that he finds peace and happiness. He will always be my friend.

That is not intended to make me sound like a martyr, My heart will break and I am terrified of what looks like a bleak, lonely future ahead for me since I cannot drive and will probably end up on disability because I am too sick to work enough hours to support myself. But the simple fact is, you can't build a happy future together when one partner is not following their heart.

Thanks again for your kind thoughts

Imagine x

[Imagine]

Well it is Christmas morning and I am feeling very mixed but mostly OK.

The good news is that my husband is still here on Christmas day (he's applied for a short term furnished apartment but hasn't got one yet), he hugged me and gave me some lovely hand creams as a Christmas gift. I cautiously woke him so he could see the little ducklings that visited our garden this morning, he smiled in genuine delight at their antics and has now gone back to his room to sleep. His smile and that moment was so precious to me.

I bought him a teapot, cup and some really nice teas to take to his apartment. I am hoping that the gift will be seen as supportive of his need for space but also act as a little reminder that I care and will not abandon him. He didn't say a lot but seemed to honestly like the gift and accept it in the spirit it was intended.

I know I have much to be grateful for and there is still a lot of hope, it is early days (just 2 appointments with the counsellor so far) and he has not made any permanent, irreversible choices. My heart aches deeply and I miss our long standing Christmas morning traditions (huge extended family Champagne breakfast etc) but I will hold my hope tenderly and enjoy every positive moment I can find today.

I wish you all peace today wherever you are.

[BennyBoy]

The best you can do is show love, compassion and support his decisions.

Merry Christmas to you also.

[geoff]

dear Imagine, I can feel your pain, it's so strong, it radiates through the computer and the way you have replied back to us, your sincere love for him, and the sadness of him leaving.

Unfortunately I can't stop him from going, it's a decision that he has made, but in due time he will be sorry that all of this has happened, but at the moment he is not well, and he will visit you quite often, because he will miss your company, and only he can determine when he wants to return, but with a little encouragement it could be sooner rather than later.

As much as you love him I'm sorry but it's best not to push it too hard, and with the love that you have for him, this will show.

Can I just suggest that he only signs on a month to month basis, which you can ask him to do, and you could give him the reason being 'that he might not like where he stays', so if and when he wants to return home then it's not too long to wait.

I honestly hope that he can overcome his depression so he can rejoin you, because the hurt you are feeling is enormous. L Geoff. x