Husband depressed and angry and I just don't know what else to do

[Gypsy70]

Hello

My first post. My husband and I have been together for nearly 20 years, married for 12 and we have a 7 year old. For as long as I can recall he has had various levels of depression but it has become especially worse in recent years and in particular the last year. He is constantly angry at me and my son, rude and mean. I'm working so hard to keep things going - home life, parenting our son and work (we run a business together.) When he is in a depressive state he says some truly awful things to me and I don't know why I put up with it. I'm just done. I vowed I would do anything to protect my son (who only thinks that daddy is cranky because he is tired). I feel sick and tired of having to be walking around on egg shells and being the "strong" one who has to keep the peace when inside I'm anxious, lonely and sad. I'm sure as you read this you would think that I should just leave but of course it is never that simple. I'm not even sure why I'm writing this today. Therapy perhaps? I just wish that he could say to me "I'm sorry, I'm feeling really bad at the moment, it's not you, it's the depression, just bear with me."

I want my husband back. I hate this depression.

[Quercus]

Hi Gypsy70 and welcome to the forums.

I hope you return and see this reply and feel able to keep talking. It's never a good feeling when your post takes a while to be found.

Reading your story hit me so deeply because it felt so relatable. One difference though... I'm the partner with depression.

There is something I wanted so badly to share with you if it's ok because I suspect your husband might know this feeling too...

Every single day it amazes and humbles me that my husband has and continues to stay by my side.

Without his support, acceptance, forgiveness and love I wouldn't be alive today and our young children would have lost their mother.

I needed you to know how very important you are Gypsy70 because it sounds like right now you need some TLC.

YOU are the one who has kept your family together. YOU have made sure your son knows he is loved.

When my depression isn't managed well it is difficult to feel anything at all. I don't even notice at times how others feel. I'm empty and focused on surviving because I love my family and I want so badly to be able to show them again.

The hardest thing is feeling like the people I love would be better off and happier without me. Often this thought is so strong that I push my family away. Part of me wants them to leave so they can have what I can't give them. The other part is so afraid of that happening because it I want and love them.

There is a thread about caring for someone with depression. I'll find the link for you. You deserve and need support too. It might be good to show that thread to your husband and plan ways to give you the support you need.

I hope you read this.

❤️ Nat

[Quercus]

This is the thread.

There are replies from many people who are carers too.

I find some hard to read without feeling incredible guilt so given hubby is not doing well at the moment perhaps just share the first post and focus on what YOU need for your own mental wellbeing?

https://www.beyondblue.org.au/get-support/online-forums/supporting-family-and-friends-with-a-mental-health-condition-(carers)/need-advice-to-cope-with-depressed-partner

[ACarer]

Hi Gypsy,

This is my first reply too.
I feel your hurt and pain.
I hear you frustration, and your protectiveness of your son, and yourself now.

I sense your love for your friend and husband, who you miss, and your sense of loss, and of caution not to upset the but angry, insensitive, uncaring and unpredictable "black dog" which has replaced him.
Is this true?

Do you feel threatened or vulnerable?

If you do, that is a valid reason to seek help.
Confronting dogs who are upset corners them, and may make then over-react, or defensive, or aggressive, purely with instinct of personal protectiveness.

I have cared for an angry cat lady wife for 20 plus years also. She is my best friend, but wow do her claws, and her growl hurt sometimes. For me it is her withdrawal though that hurts more.

I care for two teenage kids also, both with varying health conditions. I have learned that the ugly cat/dog is not really them. It comes and goes. But the more territory they get, the more they demand, until they become dominant and controlling.
Im sure you understand.

I applaud you for being brave and courageous to not only want to stop the dog, and protect youself and your son, but to also at the same time, want to care about your husband who is still frightened and vulnerable within the dog persona, and who you still care about.

I agree with Quercus' reply ... to read about support in the forums. You are not alone!
In particular I suggest you read this article from Carmela ...
Forums / Supporting family and friends with a mental health condition (carers) / Are you supporting a depressed partner? My tips from 18 years of experience

Especially first two points, about seeking support, and about Relationship boundaries. I think this is valuable advice for any carer.

Talk with trusted friends and seek support for yourself first. Talk with Beyond Blue or Lifeline if you need to. With your GP! All these people can help support you on your journey of taming the black dog/cat that is depression.

PS: these dogs/cats can be sweet and loving and full of joy also ... they sometimes just need TLC, or space.

[Quercus]

Hi again Gypsy70 and hello and welcome to ACarer too,

I found myself wondering/hoping you'd returned when I saw ACarer's post. I'm glad another person who is a carer replied. I was worried it might feel hard to reply to me seeing as I'm not a carer.

ACarer, thank you. There is something so lovely about seeing people post for the first time to support someone else.

The PS was gorgeous by the way. It is so reassuring to know loved ones can still see the good along with the claws. Thank you.

❤️ Nat

[Gypsy70]

Thank you. Thank you so very much for taking the time to reply. I look around me and think that it isn't possible that anyone else could possibly understand, everyone around me is holding hands, smiling, looking happy and I'm wondering why that can't be me, why that can't be my relationship. Then I read your response and I realise I am not alone and your words, in a way I feel as though my husband could have written them. Thank you for helping me understand.

[Gypsy70]

Thank you. I do feel so vulnerable. Your words have helped me realise that it is not me, it is not him but it is this awful, insidious black dog disease.

[815]

Hi Gypsy70,

I am a first time poster too. My first post which provides context to my story is here:

https://www.beyondblue.org.au/get-support/online-forums/supporting-family-and-friends-with-a-mental-health-condition-(carers)/supporting-a-depressed-husband---seeking-hope

I just wanted to reach out to you and see how you're doing because I think our situations are somewhat similar. I hope things have improved for you.

[emotionallydrained]

Hi Gypsy70,

I'm so sorry to read your posts. I want you to know you aren't alone at all. I too am with a husband who is a sufferer of depression and anxiety and we do not have a normal life by any means. I too look at other happy couples holding hands, kissing and enjoying life wondering why we can't have the same. It's a tough road and supporting someone with a mental illness is not easy. My husband can also get angry and it has turned nasty to the point where I am needing to consider the safety of me and my son. So I just wanted to share that with you so you can watch out for events where you might be in danger. Of course it's most likely not going to be intentional, but it can happen. You need to look after yourself as well - I know you might feel selfish and guilty doing that and I do every day - but it's the one thing that I've consistently been told through my short time seeking help.

We're still together because I can't leave and 90% of the time he's ok. I hope you will be ok. It's great you've reached out as well.