How to support married son with severe depression when his wife seems to make situation worse

Elizabeth CP · ‎09-03-2018

MY DIL rang today to report that my son has left work due to MI. She is going away for 12 days & needs us to watch out for my son & to step in to prevent DHS removing their children if he gets worse. My son has a history of depression. I spent a lot of time supporting him when he was single & eventually got him back on track. Not working has made his MI worse. Working really helps him manage his depression. My DIL has no financial sense & this has led to them getting into debt, being forced to move house & being unable to afford essentials such as rent. Financial stress has had a bad impact on my son's MI. They need to move in a couple of weeks & I believe they are currently in severe financial difficulties.

His wife refuses to listen to advice & likes to control everything. She is constantly bossing my son around & puts him down continually. Because of his MI he doesn't have the strength to stand up to her & gives in to her demands

She is leaving for a 12 day cruise even though they can't afford it. My son is expected to be available to look after their children so is unable to work.

I'm unsure how to support him at this time. Im worried about tipping myself over the edge trying to cope. I also care for my husband who is blind & has a degenerative condition.

Croix · ‎11-03-2018

Dear Elizabeth~

I'm very sorry to hear of this new development and quite frankly am horrified that your DIL is going off on a cruise leaving an ill husband and kids behind. She is not even to hand to see to the forthcoming move.

Trying to look at the overall picture is pretty overwhelming as from what you say there is no straightforward solution. I realize your husband had physical problems, however does he have thoughts about the situation? If so at least you are not on your own. Also what does your son say?

I guess it is one of those situations where one realy does have to take things one day at a time and deal with each thing as it arises.

Is there anyone else in the family to help?

Croix

geoff · ‎11-03-2018

Hello Elizabeth, I'm so sorry to hear of this.

If they are in financial debt and need to move house, then where is the money coming from to pay for the cruise.

Moving house means bond money, a months rent in advance and money to transport them from one place to another, so it's quite a bit of money needed.

By her doing this is going to put a lot of pressure on your son as well as you being in the background and stopping the DHS from removing the children.

If you have to care for your husband and edge your way into your son's life that's going to be difficult for you, because what you can do while his wife is away would only be temporary, as she will change it all once she returns.

If they have to keep moving for not paying the rent, then word will spread around so they won't be able to get any house for rent.

Hope to hear back from you as there is more to talk about. Geoff.

Elizabeth CP · ‎11-03-2018

Thank you Geoff & Croix,

I have tried in the past to provide advice only to be told that she NEEDs to go on the cruise She never has a break & it is fair because my son can go camping with the kids at Easter. That is his version of a holiday!!!! Any attempts to discuss the finances just leads to her getting angry because I am blaming her for their problems. She reassures me everything is fine but inevitably a week or two later I find out their is a problem eg calls asking for loans to pay essential bills. Any money they have is spent on expensive haircuts, presents, holidays & outing for her. She insisted that my son not work while she is on the cruise & for several weeks after while they move which makes it impossible for him. I believe the stress of it all has sent him back into a severely depressed state. Each time they move she expects everyone else to help & she does nothing.

I find it hard to talk to him because she always listens in on his phone conversations so it is very hard to speak to him on his own. I will try to ring him tonight & arrange to spend some time with him while she is away but I find it difficult spending too much time if he is really bad. It is hard to arrange things with him when he is unwell because he sleeps all the time. They have 2 preschool kids.

Croix · ‎11-03-2018

Dear Elizabeth~

Perhaps I'm misunderstanding or missing the point but from what you say it sounds like you are a sort of backstop or safety net, supplying cash and picking up the pieces as required.

This is obviously a pretty comfortable state of affairs for your DIL and I guess to a lesser extent your son. Comfortable arrangements can of course continue indefinitely, something which I would think is neither desirable or practical in this instance.

So what happens if you no longer in effect finance her extravagances? I can understand that it might be the norm for requests for help to be always put on an emergency basis, making it harder to refuse, however the question holds true.

Croix

Elizabeth CP · ‎12-03-2018

I have tried to restrict the financial support to absolute emergencies & put very tight conditions including timelines as I don't believe it helps them if they think they can just rely on others. Unfortunately I can't control what others do.

I try to limit contact with my DIL because it is uncomfortable but I can't cut her off completely.

I want to get back to the purpose of this thread which is to get ideas of what I should or should not be doing to help my son with his mental illness. I had my son around today with the grandkids so he is not home alone with them too much while the DIL is away. I will see him again on Thursday. I'm unsure what else I should be doing without putting too much pressure on us. I also want it to feel like I'm spending time with him by choice rather than just managing his illness which I think might just feed into his depression.

Any ideas welcome.

Elizabeth CP · ‎20-03-2018

I have spent time with my son & grandkids while his wife is away. He has been coping OK but I'm worried about once my DIL returns. She is so domineering & puts my son down. They need to move in the next few weeks but have nowhere to moveto. My son has given up work because of his depression & he couldn't cope with working & looking after the kids on his own & then moving. These are stresses likely to lead to a relapse. Has anyone got iseas of how I can support him without getting too involved with my DIL

Elizabeth CP · ‎13-04-2018

The situation has escalated & I feel that whatever I do is wrong. I really need some advice.

My son was admitted to a psych ward on Wed night after becoming suicidal. He rang me when I was on my way to visit my husband who is in hospital. I am already really stressed & worried about my husband's situation made worse by the fact they don't know what caused it so treatment is just managing symptoms. I suggested my son rang the CAT team but they insisted he went to emergency. I felt unable to drive over the babysit his children so didn't go. My DIL found someone closer to look after them instead.

They are in the process of packing up their house as they have to move by next Friday. I think the stress of trying to pack & move has triggered this latest problem. In the past my DIL has left all the packing & moving to everyone else & I believe this is happening again. I feel unable to help because I am at risk of injuring my back trying to move things & will become too stressed trying to help while worrying about my husband. My psych has advised me to avoid getting involved with my son & DIL because of the risk to my own MH.

I feel guilty not helping but I can't cope spending time with my DIL & seeing her yelling at my grandkids & husband & seeing her just doing as she pleases but expecting everyone else to do everything she wants . My son was well the whole time she was away & functioned well including looking after his children & the house

Birdy77 · ‎14-04-2018

Hello Elizabeth,

You must feel beside yourself ... there is too much goong on.

Will your son be kept in hospital? If so, it seems that it's being taken care of in that your son is safe, away from his wife and her abuse, and it is clear that you have more than enough on your plate with your husband's serious health concerns ... it's simply time for your DIL to step up to the plate. You need to focus on your wellbeing first and foremost, so that you continue to be there for your husband and your son. Your DIL will just have to do it. I realise you feel guilty, but I think it's necessary.

I've read through this thread a couple of times to try to come up with something, but that's all I can think of. Your DIL needs to grow up and step up to her responsibilities as a parent and an adult. Enabling her selfishness is not going to help in the long run.

Sorry I couldn't be of more help to you.

I am really sorry for everything you are going through, I really am.

Many caring thoughts to you Elizabeth. You are a strong woman and admirable.

🌻birdy

Elizabeth CP · ‎14-04-2018

Thank you Birdy, I know no one can really help me at this time but I wrote this thread to hopefully get some ideas if anyone has been in this situation but more importantly to feel like someone has listened & cares & validates how I'm feeling. Your answer has helped me feel a bit less guilty & useless.

I worry that my son may think I don't care about him & that could make him worse but I do care but I don't know what I can do to make a difference in my current circumstances. I also am wary of doing anything which perpetuates my DILs belief that she is entitled to unlimited help financially & practically to deal with her own poor choices.