How to support depressed partner and recognise the triggers

Ben2 · ‎09-07-2016

Hi Beyond Blue.

Im a 25 year old male going out with a 30 year old female. We have had a good relationship up until earlier of the start of this year. My partner has severe depression. She has told me she has had it for years but has only started taking medication for it around 3 months ago. Im often left unsure what to do or how to cope when she has an episode as I've never dealt with depression personally and don't know what its like. Almost every week she has a breakdown and its hard to deal with, often to the point where I can't see family members or friends as I know this will set her off. Well today I told her I couldn't do this anymore as it was starting to feel suffocating not being able to see or hang out with anyone else besides her. She took it the wrong way and now I feel bad about it. I just want some sort of stable lifestyle balance but lately its a mess. I feel like I don't have much of a social life anymore due to always having to be with her. She thinks im abandoning her if i'm with someone else but when she gets invited she doesn't want to come. Its a very tough thing to deal with and I'm not sure what to do anymore. The treatment she is on doesn't seem to work and I have no one else to ask. Any help would be much appreciated.

Apollo_Black · ‎10-07-2016

Hey Ben

sorry to hear about your situation. So what do you think happened at the beginning of the year to make things change? How long were you going out for before things got different? Your GF says she has suffered for depression for ages but has only just started medication - has this made any impact?

Sorry about all the questions, just wondering how the breakdowns manifest themselves and your involvement in them. It's quite possible she doesn't want to be alone, this is understandable but there are limitations. Does she have friends and family to help support her? You can't be expected to manage it all and at the end of the day you also need your space and she can't be expected to put many restrictions on you.

Has she been to a psychologist? I would be making sure she sees one first up. From the limited info you have given there sounds like an element of borderline personality disorder here.... It would be useful for you describe how your relationship with her has changed since the begin inning

Carmela · ‎12-07-2016

Hi Ben, I am sorry to hear that you are struggling with supporting your partner, but it is great that you have reached out to seek support.

Apollo Black has raised some important questions. It would be beneficial to get the responses to understand how best to support you on this forum. In the interim, you mentioned in your post that 'I've never dealt with depression personally and don't know what its like'. To best support a loved one with depression, education is key. Beyondblue has some resources online to help you start this process. From the main menu, select 'Supporting someone' or copy and paste this link - https://www.beyondblue.org.au/supporting-someone/supporting-someone-with-depression-or-anxiety

It was only when l started to research and speak to other sufferers, that l truly began to understand what my husband was going through.

From a carer perspective, to be the best support for your partner, you need to look after your wellbeing. If this means some timeout - then that's fine. Gently discuss this with your partner and let her know that you love her but need some time to build up your energy reserves. This is not an unreasonable request. Patience and compassion are important in a carer role, including spending the time to sit and discuss your feelings as well as listening to hers.

Hang in there Ben.

Carmela