How to support a relative without pushing too hard

[meandmyselftoo]

Hi all.

My sister has had depression for around 2 years now. Before that, she was a cheerful uni student, with no visible signs of anxiety/depression.

I believe the depression was triggered largely by lack of a job/career path. She didn't have a job lined up when she graduated, didn't find many places where she wanted to apply, considered a few other degrees, but has not landed on anything. I think she feels she doesn't have any direction in her life. She looks around at her friends and peers and sees them graduating, and finding jobs, partnering up, etc. and she feels like she isn't doing anything of value. This is in no way a judgement, just me trying to make sense of her condition.

She had a part-time job as a tutor the year before last, but leading classes was stressful work for her, and she quit. We (my mother and I, we all live together) have tried to encourage her to look for a job, help with suggestions, etc., but she says she is afraid of having to turn up to the same job every day and take on responsibility. Even the thought of doing that is too stressful for her to bear.

She has tried to face her depression, and I'm proud of her for that. She tried anti-depressants, but didn't like the way they made her feel. She was advised to do things she enjoys, and she's tried, taking dance/music/art lessons, and getting involved in community events. However, it hasn't been enough to lift her out of her funk. She went to a couple of psychologists, but didn't get anything out of it and doesn't want to go back.

After a recent function she participated in, where she saw a number of her highly successful (read: overachieving) peers, she basically says she can't be bothered trying to fight anymore. I'm not trying to say she's made a specific suicide threat - although she has done in the past - she is saying she can't see the point of it, and feels like she will never get out of the depression, and her life will never go anywhere.

I don't quite know what to do. I am trying to hang out with her, both just to have fun and to try to encourage her to talk, but the latter is hard, she doesn't like talking about her condition because she feels she is lowering herself in our eyes by admitting to weakness (which is ridiculous!) Asking her about job plans etc. stresses her out. The only thing I can think to do is to keep trying, gently, but I don't want to do anything to push her over the edge.

Any advice/perspective would be much appreciated. Thanks.

[Kathryne]

Hi

Welcome to beyond blue.

I feel your pain, it is so hard watching a love one and being unable to provide a solution or fix the problem.

It took many years of gentle behind the scences push, shoving, one step forward and sometimes two back, to get my husband to even admit he was depressed, however he still states its not depression but rather anxiety! Because of society view of mental illness.

Does your sister relate well with her GP and could she discuss her needs and feelings with them?

Try taking walks along the beach or park and don't plan to talk about anything other than what you see. Make a date time and follow through even if its drizzling, without pressure your sister may open up. On these walks the subjects of uni, work, depression, are all banned unless broached by your sister and only go as far as she allows.

Kathryne

[geoff]

hello, we always look at what our friends or even family members are doing in life and then compare them to what ever we are doing, and yes it always happens, but we don't take into account all the circumstances of why they have got to where they are, and these could be for numerous reasons.
When someone is depressed we always try and suggest for them to pickup one of their hobbies hoping that by doing this it may then help get them out of this condition, but sometimes it doesn't help, it never helped me, but has done wonders for other people.
Depressed people always think that there is no hope that their depression will ever go away, so that's the biggest battle they have to face, and refuse antidepressants (AD) as well as counselling, believing that it won't help so they don't continue with any of these, but their depression won't just go away by itself, sure it may ease up a little, but then it comes back the next day or so and probably worse.
It's not going to easy for her to talk to you because she may feel guilty or ashamed but if she tried another counsellor she could find the person who she can connect with, because that's so important for telling them exactly what is troubling her, although you know part of the reason by comparing herself with her friends.
Why don't you click onto 'Get Support' and scroll down to 'Information Resources' and order all the printed material from BB which is free, but it hightlights everything about depression, by her reading this booklet may then make her change her mind about seeking further treatment. Geoff. x