How to help/support/survive wife with possible/probable bpd?

[wombats]

Hello,

I have been having difficulties with my wife for about 2.5 years now, we have two wonderful boys (6.5 and 3), and been separated for the last 6 months. I at first thought that she was experiencing extreme pms, things were ok for about 2 weeks, then out of nowhere she would switch for the next two weeks (irritable, picky, aggressive), about the end of which she would get her period. We would have arguments which would often end with me sobbing as I had no idea what was going on and the content of the arguments was often highly irrational. I started leaving the house to get away and to keep this away from the kids. Getting away became more common, and ended up in us being separated. I have had conversations with people who are familiar with bpd and they have said that its highly likely my wife has bpd.

I want to return to my family, but I don't know if I can cope with the intensity of her anger and emotions, her inability to accept responsibility for her actions, and general refusal/disregard for my opinions. I have tried to get her to help by suggesting she sees someone about her stress levels but she refuses. I have also asked her to see someone because I'm asking her to, as I have been to three counsellors over the last two years because she wanted me to, but she refuses. Her GP has given her a referral, but that ended up being cancelled.

Does anyone have any experience with and/or advice for these situations at all?

[Matches]

Hi wombats,

Firstly, congratulations on attending counselling for yourself and admitting your troubles, it’s extremely hard when relationships deteriorate, especially when the most troubled member refuses to get help.

I’d avoid using terms such as bipolar and PMS, diagnosing mental health conditions is extremely complex and is best performed by Psychiatrists. Unless your partner is a danger to herself or others it’s unlikely, she will get an adequate assessment and is unlikely to change.

You deserve a good life with your children, perhaps you may consider moving on? What do you think?

Matches.

[wombats]

Hi Matches, thanks for the reply and advice.

Yes, you are right about not using the terms. There is probably never going to be a diagnosis.

I guess I'm finding it hard as I love this woman, when she wasn't playing up things were great, and I miss my family unit, being with my kids every day. All the reading I have done has given me the impression that folks with this kind of suite of characteristics typically respond well to the appropriate therapy, getting there is the hard part. This has given me hope that maybe things will change, and I can be with my family again without the chaos.

[Matches]

Hi wombats,

You’re welcome.

I understand your love for your family, but you only get 1 life. A reason why I say to avoid labels is that a much-underdiagnosed illness, in my opinion, is personality disorders (the prisons are filled with them), people that desire the game, and get off on inflicting pain on others (not that I’m diagnosing your partner). These leopards never change their spots!

Don’t waste your life, 2.5 years is a long time. The message I’m passing to you is that many people have wasted their life, trying to change others and trying to change things outside their control. While my partner has moved on, I’ve been beating myself up for the past 12 years.

Put yourself first, because you need to be your best self for your kids and put your kids a very close second. Consider finding new love, life is too short.

Matches

[KICKER]

Hi there, sorry to hear of your difficulties with your wife, it must be very challenging and frustrating.

There is a good book that might be helpful called ‘I am not sick, I don’t need help’ by Xavier Amador.

Dr Amador heads up a USA orginisation called the LEAP institute. There main focus is helping people to help their loved ones seek treatment

There website is excellent and includes lots of helpful resources, particularly videos on simulated conversations with someone suffering from anosognosia. Anosognosia is a condition whereby a oerson suffering from a mental illness such as bipolar has no insight that they have a mental illness. Its not stubborn denial, its more akin to having a broken brain preventing them from being aware of their condition.

My wife probably has this also so I’m on a similar journey.

The LEAP institute run training courses for loved ones and mental health professionals trying to help those suffering from anosognosia. Unfortunately they are only held in USA. I think they have some courses coming up in Omaha, Nebraska (Sep) and Cincannati, Ohio (Oct) later this year.

Website link below

https://leapinstitute.org/

Hope this helps and you make some progress.

[wombats]

Thank you very much Kicker

The book and webpage look very interesting and useful, I will definitely have a read.

I hope you have success with your situation

[KICKER]

How are you doing wombats, have you managed to find any more peace and hope around your situation. Cheers. Kicker

[quirkywords]

Wombat,

Welcome to the forum. as you have already seen this place is full of kind and supportive people.

I just wanted to clarify that by BPD you mean borderline personality disorder.?

As Matches said diagnosing is for psychiatrists and can be a long process.

I suppose you may need to look at behaviours. Did the counselling help you with any strategies to help you cope .

Quirky

[wombats]

Hi Kicker and quirkywords, thanks for your thoughts. I've been back with my family, my marriage would be completely over if my wife knew I was on this forum, so I have been quiet here.

Things are better and worse, I decided through last week that I would spend two night back with my family on the weekend just been and test the water. Things were OK, so I asked my wife on Sunday if I could return home and sleep in the spare room. She was hesitant, one of her first hurdles was that it would mean she would have to return to her weekend job. After talking about it for most of the day it was agreed I would go back to where I was staying Sunday night, go to work on Monday, then start living with my family from Monday afternoon.

Things were fine until yesterday morning. I was having breakfast with the kids and she turned the TV on, and asked if I wasn't letting the kids turn the TV on. I said no, I wasn't going to stop them, but I wasn't going to turn it on for them. This then prompted her to ask if I still believed that all she did was put the kids in front of the TV all day, which is something I brought up in a session with a GP (who was (in)effectively acting as a counsellor) early in the year. I lied and replied no. This somehow triggered in her mind that I was living at my step brother's at that time. (She has issues with my mother, father, and step brother. It is too much to go into here, but no one has been a saint in this mess, but my wife has a very hard time of letting it go if someone has 'wronged' her. Some of her issues with my family are fair enough, but they are also mostly the kinds of things which most people get over). Recalling my step brother brought about a new wave of anger. I nearly got caught up in the escalating mood, but managed to catch myself and diffuse it.

When I got home from work, things seemed better, but after a while she started up about not wanting to back to her weekend job. When I left/couldn't stay in January, after a week and with no discussion with me, she had been to centrelink telling them we were separated. She took 4 or 5 months to get on centrelink payments, during which she refused to go to work as "there was no one to look after the kids", our mortgage was on hold and not good. Now that I'm back she isn't happy about taking that responsibility again. - I'll add another post to complete this, apologies for lengthyness

[wombats]

Hi Kicker and quirky words - pt 2

Our conversation last night went on until late. We couldn't get around an incident from early in the year. We had our first marriage counselling session around the middle of the day. Our house is about 20-30 minutes away from the counsellors. About 10 minutes before we were due I got a message that she hadn't left the house. At this time I was asking to return home, but she was refusing until we had been to counselling. My wife is late for almost everything, sometimes into the hours late. This is one of the things I cannot bring up, as it was always someone/things else's fault, and it will start an argument. But the consistency defies it always not being her fault. She didn't make it to the counselling. At that time, I was helping out by going to the house Monday and Wednesday, taking our youngest to daycare when my wife would go to her weekday job (which she enjoys, so doesn't mind it. The job she refuses to go to on the weekend is something she says is easy, but she doesn't like it). When I turned up the next day, before I had a chance to say hello or walk through the door, I was accused of being angry and drunk, because I was in a bad mood. I had barely finished saying hello to the kids. Me saying no I wasn't ended in me being screamed at, with her following me to the car as I got in the car in the drive way, I left with our youngest, who was upset and I was also very upset as I wasn't coping with these outbursts at the time - I had no idea. I decided to spend the day with our youngest. The mistake I made was not telling the daycare, and I also didn't answer my wife's calls. So it didn't end well. Anyway, last night was all about how I cannot blame her for my actions, she can't see that if she didn't start screaming at me I wouldn't have left, I need to learn how to control myself, and its all my fault.

I was told numerous times last night that my head isn't right, I am doubting my own sanity today. She told me that I need to leave, I said no, I want to be with my family and work this out, her response is that she is going to leave with the kids. I am a bit lost.