How to detach when mental illness is suspected

[Nickname_642EFE48-7691-42]

My 20 year old son has just returned from him running away for 3 weeks. He is depressed, trying to recover from alcohol and marijuana abuse as well as I suspect undiagnosed anxiety. He has a history of mental break downs and self harm so I am loath to refuse him entry if he appears clean or really low. How do I draw the line between natural consequences of his immature choices and those directly related to his depression or emotional frailty. He demanded access to the family PS4 as he was sick and felt it was cruel for me to deny this distraction when he was feeling so low. That privilege was denied him as he had broken into my house through the roof twice while he chose to live elsewhere plus he has a gaming addiction of 10 hours a day for months now unless I treat him like a child and lock equipment up. His reaction is to threaten to smash my stuff up, get up in my face yelling and hurling blame at me while I am trying to escape to work. He has delayed making a GP appointment until tomorrow but only after melting down and verbally abusing me over how badly he has been treated by me.

How do you draw the line? Withdraw access to my belongings, restrict financial support, withdraw from his verbal outbursts to my bedroom means I am depressed and scared in my own home. Asking him to leave when he has no ability to support himself if he is mentally unwell is the dilemma but his behaviours are so damaging and unsustainable. I do him no favours to enable them but can't see consequences I can apply.

I understand the importance of looking after oneself so I am reaching out for support here. But the fear of him harming himself due to his inability to see any positives seems to dictate I become a nobody and that doesn't sit well with me.

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[blondguy]

Hello Guest

Welcome to the forums and thankyou for having the strength to reach out. My name is Paul and have had depression/anxiety for many years. I am really sorry for this dark environment you are in...Its very sad...

I would be depressed and scared in my home as well. His anger is spiking and good news that he has made an appointment with a GP. That is a huge step.

This is only my opinion but depression or anxiety is no excuse to be abusive or cruel to anyone. When my depression was severe I still knew right from wrong where basic common courtesy was concerned.

Demanding access to the PS4......I also would have said no as parent of a 23 year old daughter that did similar. Breaking in through the roof is just not on. Does he have any even small regret about doing that?

It is difficult where to draw the line, but after reading your post many times I would be doing exactly as you are. He does need parameters and boundaries right now.....despite his protests. Even if you gave him everything and 'enabled' him, I feel the ramifications would be worse for both of you.

Can I ask you....are you seeking any help for yourself? It may be a good idea so you can have a better platform on which you can cope with your son's illness.

I had to call a social worker at my council once because of a similar situation..and they actually arranged for psychiatric nurse to come out and help me as I couldn't afford a psychologist......Just food for thought.

If you scroll down to the bottom of this page you will see the Header 'Supporting Someone' Just click on it...there is some great relevant advice where being a carer is concerned (You)

Does your son currently take any medication? Im sorry for the questions, it just helps me build a picture..

Do you have a friend/family member that you can call for support? This can invaluable to you right now. If he keeps the threats going I see that a Beyond Blue Staff member posted the 24/7 Supportline number too. Always a bonus.

You should'nt have to live in fear and withdraw your self to your bedroom. Even having someone else temporarily live with you (if possible of course) would be another means of support.

I understand your are a loving parent and trying so very hard.....Please keep in mind that;

Your health is paramount here....all other considerations are secondary...

There are many very kind people on the forums that can also help you 🙂

I do hope you can write back

My heart goes out to you...

Paulx

[Nickname_642EFE48-7691-42]

Thank you for your kind post. I agree with your statement that depression and anxiety do not excuse cruel hurtful behaviours. He went to the GP and got advice and antidepressants which have quickly become a rather haphazard attempt at him solving his situation with a pill. I remind and he avoids. I set a deadline and consequence and he runs away.

I did have a care plan from the same GP for counselling but my counsellor only really got to the point of me asking my son to leave. I then ran out of that extra cash to spend on luxuries like a kind ear and advice that my own logical head has recognised for months. I have a sister who is my support as my friends have long since lost tolerance of watching me struggle giving him chances to get his act together. Understandable.

Here's the rub. How as a parent do you draw the line in the sand and ask your son to leave when you suspect there is more going on than depression and anxiety. If he's mentally ill where can we go to get help before he goes splat? Do I really have to watch him damage himself or do you detach with love like the experts suggest. Detaching I can do but with love is a big ask. I hate his choices. I hate his cold regard for our family rules.

He is using my home like a hotel claiming it is not required to confirm his whereabouts or return plans. That is causing me deep sadness as I feel his distance as a shared failure. I know that locking him out only increases the likelihood of him breaking in again and him doing more damage to my roof and contents. Last time his room got flooded so the gods are trying to apply natural consequences but ultimately it is my carpet, my laundry filled with his mouldy wet clothes, my finances to pay for a fix-it man to replace tiles etc.

I have tried removing anger from my family discussions but he is now timing his appearances to avoid our paths crossing. Stay out all night, crawl in just before I leave for work and then leave just before I get home.

I see his sadness and lack of motivation here at home but also note his animation and efforts when it involves avoiding my expectations of work or study, honesty, respectfulness and making positive choices to move himself forward. If he was a stranger I would have to ask him to leave but as my depressed son with a history of self harm and hospitalisation I feel trapped in being unable to make that call. How to survive if he does something fatal if I forced him to confront his harsh reality alone.

[Marcsa]

Hello,

I saw this thread earlier and felt a certain camaraderie. My son is 21 and depressed,anxious and like your son very much avoidant of the realities of life. I'm sorry I can't offer much in the way of a solution. I'm looking for the same thing. I feel a sort of grief about not having the son I used to have.

I wonder too, about the 'what ifs?' What if what I do contributes to my son deciding life is no longer worth it and ....? On the one side, I have to think he is an adult and it is his life - be it a long or short life- sounds cruel and heartless, but it could happen that way. Then on the other side, it could happen that he might come to some kind of resolve to actually do something, to change what has been the 'status quo'. I just don't know , I've always been terrible at deciding these sorts of things.

Sorry for the ramble. Just thought I'd let you know, others are in a similar boat.