how to deal with an abusive partner

[Thinking_ahead]

So, have been together for a while 3 plus years. he proposed 1.5 years in, have lived together for 2 years of that. 

before we got together, I had brought a house, had my own car, had everything furniture wise, a great paying job, with awsme holidays( nothing flash but enjoyable), had savings and paying off my house more than i needed to. had a cat and 6 fish.

he still lived at home, had a car but not the best( his words), had almost no savings, a dog and no worries in the world because he lived at home and mum and dad would fish him out when needed. 

So fast forward to the last 12 months, he has made some not so good decisions. Some great purchases for work but without thinking of the repayments to come and the upkeep ( cost maily). so i end up having to foot the bill. it is hard to explain to him that i am not made of money and just because i budget and scrimp and save every 5 cent piece i get.  i know it is personal choice, but he has been promising for 2 years he will quit smoking ( still waiting), if i bring up cost of something i get told o not worry about it or dont worry about the repayments ( i worry because that impacts my house or credit rating in the long run). 

with all this he decides to drip feed me information or not tell me all together. I find out either because people accidentally tell me or i read his emails( i know i shouldn't but some days its easier than starting a fight). I ask about things and either get no answer or a half sentence. Every time a bill comes in the comment - I'll just kill myself and we wont need to pay them.......- sadly they will continue to come no matter what really.

after a few to many drinks he yells at me and everything is my fault, the best one is a new work car, driving home and he throws his drink out the window down the car and tells me to get out of HIS car ( year HIS car, but he wants a designated driver for when he drinks) 

How do i find him HELP - he refuses to go to GP or anyone else as he is a MAN 

[white knight]

Hi Thinking Ahead, welcome to Beyond Blue forums

you have a kind of unworkable relationship there.  You must be very tolerant IMO. 

Smoking- I recall my ex partner criticising me for spending $11,000 on my passion, model airplanes over a 7 year period then pointed out her cost of cigarettes over the same period was a massive $35,000. Smokers dont want to know the cost and he will leave you high and dry financially before he thinks about giving up his cigs.

I would choose a moment when you decide- enough. Tell him you are no longer "bankgirl" and close shop on bailing him out. If that doesnt work then I'm sorry, in order to help you with advice, my purpose in replying, I have to suggest you move on and cut your losses.

Compatibility includes many things but essentially just a half dozen essentials and money management is one of them. He hasnt learned respect for others hard work, nor learned to stand on his own two feet. And again I'm sorry f this hurts but he likely never will.

I hope you take care and withdraw your financial services to him. Be nice about it, really nice then stick firm.

[Pixie15]

Hi Thinking ahead,

You ask how you can deal with an abusive partner. You are worried about how you can help him. The short answer is you can not help him if he does not think there is anything wrong.

From what you say your partner has simply replaced doing what he likes in his parents home to doing what he likes in yours. He probably used the same guilt tripping responses on his parents as he is with you. At least you do not have any children.

You need help. Try calling the domestic violence hotline 1800656463.

Grateful.

[Guest_9466]

Ditch him! And, fast. Get your life back. If you are tempted to feel sorry for him, just think back to the abuse and whether, you can bear another few years of living that kind of life. You can't help him if he doesn't want to be helped. Eventually, you will lose all confidence and become his nursemaid. He doesn't want a partner, he wants a nursemaid.