How to be a good wife...?

[SteamedZucchini_CousCous]

Hi there, so I am struggling being a good/productive support for my husband.

I believe he is battling a decent bout of depression and anxiety and actively self medicates daily with alcohol. When we were younger, both of us would drink pretty heavily so I feel he doesn't see this as an issue (I don't really drink now). We are relatively new parents so I guess I end up feeling alone in our journey and that he doesn't care. Which, deep down, I know isn't the case. Recently, my husband has started to smoke on occasion which is upsetting because he did such an amazing job quitting while I was pregnant - he hadn't smoked in over a year. I find this especially difficult because I feel he is choosing smoking/drinking/himself over our baby and myself.

Almost daily I end up becoming pouty and sullen and he reacts saying that he doesn't need the judgement or the disappointment. Usually resulting in 'the silent treatment' which can last up to a week. (He's just started another round after not coming to bed last night...) I am finding it difficult to keep positive for him as well as caring for our baby 24/7. He then goes on to react saying that he doesn't need to live with my negativity and threatens to leave. It has noticeably become worse since having our daughter and has morbidly affected our physical relationship as well as our emotional.

Please, I would be so appreciative for some advice or anything to be able to actively support my husband. I think I need to be told exactly what to do or say (so I don't deviate and make it worse, like usual...).

I should also mention that he is the sole breadwinner in our household and we run our own business. He has told me that he is struggling with extreme feelings of anger at work and says it's only a matter of time before he acts out. He is not happy with where the business is either.

I miss my husband and I am worried that he is missing out on our baby. I love him so much.

[SteamedZucchini_CousCous]

I should add.... We have had some really great communication about how he feels. He feels under the thumb from everyone around him and like he's struggling to be a good dad and husband. He apologised at these times for his erratic and sometimes mean behaviours.

I feel that, while the dialogue is open, he doesn't act upon any of it and if I try and help he becomes defensive and accuses me of being controlling and to leave him alone. If I retort and say that it was responding to what we were talking about - especially about drinking - he becomes even more defensive and angry. He goes on to say that he shouldn't talk at all etc.

[SteamedZucchini_CousCous]

In our talks about it, he has also said that he is feeling incapable physically. He turned 40 this year, which was a bit of a blow for him... He's also put on a fair bit of weight in the past 18 months and already feels pain in his back, knees etc. I guess this is definitely contributing to his feelings and subsequent behaviours.

I just don't know what to do

[Buggywug]

I do feel for you both!!! He seems very depressed and the alcohol won't help maters. He's overwhelmed with business and family cares and being a male, probably thinks he can beat the blues without any medical help. However, depression , if that's what he has, is a very serious matter- I know from personal experience - and if he won't listen to you, is there some trusted relation - brother, father, cousin, etc - whom he would take notice of? You also need help as a young mum- can you talk to family, or your GP?

[SteamedZucchini_CousCous]

Thank you so much for replying.

I think that is the case, he feels he can just deal with it himself. I am unsure who I can ask to talk with him as he has isolated himself from most of his circle of friends. Perhaps his Dad might talk to him.

Thank you, I should consider talking with someone too. I guess I have the same mindset as my husband, that I can sort it out and to ask for help shows weakness...!