How much am I entitled to happiness?

[MeandHank]

I met my Husband 5 years ago and we married after one year of dating, this being a second marriage for us both (in our 40's) each with kids. Needless to say, I thought he was the most wonderful, kind and caring man in the world and then it all started to go mad. Ridiculous rage, not sleeping, taking things to excess, (who on earth needs that many ducks, coffee mugs, beer glasses, dog leashes), drinking to excess (beer, coffee and soft drink), poor decision making, forgetfulness, depression, overeating.....what was going on???? Many visits to the doctor with possibilities of B12 deficiency, low testosterone, sleep apnoea, depression. Tests and pills, diet, machines and a lot of patience and desperately trying to somehow make him happy, but nothing worked.

Of course, to the outside world he was Mr. Spontaneous and Fun, how could he not be happy at home? All hell broke loose in January of this year when he polished of a dozen beers and two bottles of red before a late afternoon BBQ at a family members home. My son and I left him to finish what he was doing and I told him to call when he was ready to come......decided to ride his motorcycle. Everone thought it was harmless, he didn't have to go too far and he was being funny, they all laughed and joked along with him. Time to go, it was a school night and he wasn't ready, again, we left without him, thinking he would be smart enough to just walk the couple of hundred meters. Nope! He rode 😞 .

It had never happened before, but there was a hole from his fist inthe wall. What the heck was going on? I'm devastated and plead with him to get more help. He does and a diagnosis of Bipolar II is made. More devastation.

Even though the medication is helping, there are still signs of the bad stuff, it tough. He's still not the man I married. We're having problems and I don't know how to cope with the past stresses and as people say "get over it and move on". It really is a reent diagnosis, but he is level, but I'm not able to reconnect with him as my husband after more than three years of chaos. I feel lost and alone and want a happy stable life for my son who has suffered dreadfully through this ordeal (probably more than me).

I saw a counsellor for a while before the diagnosis and divorce was on my mind, but since diagnosis, getting him through this is imperative. If I left now, the guilt I would feel might wreck me. Thoughts from anyone who has been through a sinilar situation would be appreciated. Thank you.

[white knight]

Hi meandhank, welcome to Beyond Blue forums,

I have friends in your predicament. Been through the counsellor sessions without much change. Boundaries were put in place eg drinking quantities were suppose to be zero on medication, but she softened and two drinks only became "just one more darl" and back to square one.

People's opinions matter little in your situation because there is no way you can paint the picture totally. You have to go by your own feelings and level of tolerance. You are experiencing a life no one else would imagine.

But, I would explore more options with your medical professionals. Different medication work for different people. Allow several weeks for a change to work. Meet with him and set reasonable boundaries and seek appointments with his psych.

Take care. Tony

[Violet1990]

Hello there

i can completely understand what you are saying. My husband of 24 years has just been diagnosed with bipolar2.

His  behaviours prior to this were similar to your situation with the added bit of him seeking out women and men on dating and classified adds.

i was gutted to say the least, and this has been very hard for me. This is all still new as not even been three months. 

Currently today he is on second type of medication, and in himself he is great and ready to make everything great and fantastic and start again. I am happy for him really, but I am tired and numb. I feel bad that I should be as up there as he is, but the trail of devastation I had to encounter takes it toll.

So, I guess if I can offer any advice, is that visit a professional and talk about you. I have been, and went yesterday to an amazing man. It is a natural therapy centre where all kinds of things are on offer. I talked about my life and my feelings and the end of that I agreed to write my list of boundaries and expectations and discuss them with my husband. This I will do, and demand to see results of my husbands change in behaviour before I allow him to move back into the family home. Last part of my session which I needed so bad, was a rebalance of my energies. I was flat and felt so low and bad about myself because my husband was so high and positive.  Felt like I should of been embracing his change, but I just couldn't because he had hurt and let me down.

Anyway to finish this, my therapist did kinesiology on me and I know have the strength to write this and go on hopefully for another week. 

I feel your pain, I really do. I hope this helps. 

Wendy

[MeandHank]

Thanks White Knight,

 He's been extrordinary in his efforts to not drink. He recognizes the impact of acohol on his condition and medication and he just doesn't. He has made an amazing recovery so far and I do applaud and am very proud of all that he has acheived and I beleive that his medication is working for him. My biggest worry is not being able to accept the new reality with all that has happened in the past. I miss the old us (which there really wasn't much of).

Thank you for your message of encouragement.

[MeandHank]

Hello Wendy,

I had a good session with a psychologist today that really opened my eyes as to where I am at emotionally.....not a pretty picture. I was happy to be able to talk openly and did have a couple of laughs about a couple of events. I'm sure with more sessions things will become clearer and perhaps I will be able to work through this methodically. 

It's good to hear that you have been able to gain some strength and I appreciate the effort that you put into writing to me, I know the amount of times I sat to write my post, even writing and then deleting many times. Thank you so very much.

[Violet1990]

I am so glad you saw someone. This is a tough road and I had ten steps backwards today. My husband decided he got help from two random women through text messages - up to 50 a day. In his head this was helping him.This is so hard for us. I wish there was a magic cure, as they think the pills they are taking will be the answer. Yet I sit here crying all night trying to make sense of everything. No wonder I drink wine. ,

i so hope this will get easier. Time will tell.

Hang in there as I must.

wendy