How do you get a depressed person to want to help themselves?

[smcmf]

My husband has been depressed for longer than I've known him, and he is good at hiding it to all our family and friends but at home he is ok to be himself.  He retreats to the computer and hides away from the world (including our 2 little girls, 10mths and nearly 4yrs).  He has been on meds for about 5 years now, and tried about 3 different types.  He has a counsellor he see's only when he gets bad and I remind him to go see her.  He has seen a psychiatrist a couple of times to try and get his meds right (I went once with him).  He is on antidepressants as well as another tablet which he takes at night to help him sleep.

I feel like we go round and round in circles and nothing seems to change.  He has been given all of the tools, all of the family and friends support and still he will not help himself.  He has a terrible diet (if I don't prepare every meal), drinks loads of soft drink (over 2lts a day) and does not exercise.  He has put on about 20kgs in 3 yrs.

Having young kids I expect him to help out (not do everything but help), he is rarely 'present' and when he is he just try's to control the girls by yelling at them, have them not make noise and tells them to 'leave daddy alone' if he is on the computer.

Lately he has been getting angry and frustrated and has started hitting things (like doors, computer screens) and throwing tantrums like our nearly 4 yr old (smashing trophies and playstation controllers).  I told the psychiatrist and he said it was what men sometimes do when they are not dealing with their depression but I wonder how much is enough...  I know he wouldn't intentionally hurt our girls but what if he accidentally does??    

At what point do you say enough is enough.  I love him and have supported him through the years but am getting to my limit.  I feel that he has been lead to the water but refuses to take a drink.  Taking meds is not enough in his case and I am not sure if there is any hope left if he doesn't want to help himself....

[Pixie15]

Hi smcmf's,

I have a partner who suffers depression and I have been fearful of him in a hide the knives sort of way. Not because he actually has been physically abusive but in my experience the anger and bitterness and lack of cooperation eats away at the trust. 

You have two young and vulnerable children. I think it would be generally accepted that they are your first priority. It might be useful to consider putting together for yourself an exit plan.

http://www.domesticviolence.org/personalized-safety-plan/

It can be reassuring to know that you have back-up organised if the need arises. If he is different around your family and friends they might not understand your concern. Trust your own instincts. 

Best wishes,

Mulberry.

[Dreamer]

Hi  smcmf. This is my first posting and I selected yours because it rang a bell with me. I would let him know that he has a choice because you have reached your limit. I believe the only way for him is to have his GP check him into a small private clinic for two weeks and take prescribed medication. The break will do wonders for you and even more for him. If he refuses, accept the fact that he doesn't want to and let him remain miserable on his own.

[geoff]

dear Smcmf, living with someone who is in denial makes your situation so difficult to overcome, not that I mean it's your fault at all, but you can't help someone who won't help themselves or at least recognise that they have depression.

I was like your husband  and no matter what I was told I never believed them, and that I needed to see a psych., and it was just something that happened which sparked me into believing that I was in trouble.

You have two very young children who won't understand why daddy has suddenly changed, and it's an awful experience for them as well as for yourself, but you would love for him to be able to help you around the house and do his part of the share.

Somehow he has to be shocked into believing that he does need help, which is what happened with me, but it took awhile for it to register for myself.

OK so his psychiatrist has said 'what men sometimes do when they are not dealing with their depression', yeh well, how are you going to help him, because I can't cope for much longer, it's frightening not only myself but my little daughter.

If you can get him back to your doctor on the proviso of his weight, then he maybe able to refer him to another psych., and tell him that he has been on 3 different types of medication, but none of them have worked.

If he still refuses to go then you have to give him an ultimation, you need something to shock him into believing that he needs urgent help. L Geoff. x