How do I support but not interfere?

[Mez2668]

I'm having some questions about supporting my son who has depression. He is on medication and seems to mostly be doing ok...as long as he takes the medication. He often forgets and it soon becomes obvious that he has missed. I think he believes he is fine to miss a day or two, but then he can spiral and begin to dislike having to take the tablets and things can get pretty black. We agreed that I should give him his tablets for a while, but he wanted to be more independent (which is what I want too) so he puts them in a day pack and I can see whether he has missed or not. He is going to work away for 3 months and he will have to look after this on his own. I am worried but support him going off to work. He really resents me asking about his tablets, but I am scared about what can happen when he doesn't take his medication. Does anyone have any advice. I am hoping he will manage this on his own, but not sure if just leaving it to him is the answer. I'm too scared of what might happen.

[Carmela]

Hi Mez2668, welcome to Beyondblue and thank you for reaching out. You sound like a loving and caring parent and that is always a wonderful step in supporting our children regardless of their age. I have a couple of questions - how old is your son and are you the Mum or Dad? I ask these questions as it will determine the best response from anyone of the Online BB Champions.

It is great to hear that your son is taking medication even though he does forget from time to time. This is always the battle for men in particular. If he resents you asking him, it might be worthwhile changing how you communicate your concerns. The resentment is a red light letting you know to change your behaviour as you still want him to speak with you about how he feels. You should find a perspective on medication that both you and your son can agree on. Maybe chat with him about how he feels when he misses his meds and the effects on his quality of life etc. Focus on any possible day-to-day benefit of the meds rather than the scare stuff. When you try to talk someone into taking medication, it's important to remember that not all family members are equally influential. I believe parents are the last on the list so its important to take a different tact on having the conversation.

You mentioned your son is moving away for work. I think it will give him an opportunity to take responsibility for his medication. As a parent, we love them and want to support them, but there will be a time that we have to let go and allow our children to step into their own and make decisions and take action for themselves. This is scary for a parent but a necessity to allow our children to grow up and stand alone. This doesn't mean of course that you can't check in from time to time to see how he is travelling and provide a caring ear when he needs it. The reassurance of love and support is all our children want, so give that abundantly.

I hope I have helped in some way and look forward to hearing back from you.

Carmela

[topsy_]

Hi Mez2268,

Thank you for coming to BB. It's obvious you really care for your son. He's a lucky man.

I was wondering if you could suggest to your son that he puts a reminder alarm on his phone at tablet time each day to take his tablets. It's easily done on a mobile phone. After that I suggest you stop asking/reminding him about the tablets.

As far as when he's away - it will be up to him to be responsible. If he isn't then I think he will quickly learn the unpleasant results of not being reliable with your meds.

Some people have a real aversion to being on meds even when it makes them feel better. I don't understand that. My view is my meds keep me well & I'd fight anyone who tried to take me off them.

I hope all goes well for your son for the next 3 months. I know it's difficult but try not to worry while he's away. We love our kids but we have to care for ourselves too by not letting ourselves drown under the weight of our worries.

Take care, Lyn.

[Mez2668]

Thanks Carmela,

I think I have suggested phone reminders before, but organisation is not his (or my) strong suit so this only works occasionally. I guess I just have to come to terms with the fact that this is his journey and I can only support him on the way. He told me recently that when I worry about his tablets he feels that I am trying to sedate him or change him in some way and I don't want him to feel that I am anything other than proud of him.

I guess the fear of what can happen makes me keep on his back, but I guess he might need to fully experience the consequences of not taking the medication to truly learn the benefits. Living away from home will be a great opportunity for him!

Thank you,

Merryn

[Mez2668]

Thank you Carmela,

I am his Mum and he is 23 years old so definitely not a little boy any more. I think you are right, that I may not be the best person for him to hear these things from because he thinks that I am holding him back from being independent. I can see where this might be true, but it is hard to not say anything and watch him head down what might be a dangerous road. Especially as this can impact on everyone else as well. I truly want him to be independent and live to his full potential which is amazing. He is a talented actor, writer, director and very creative. You are right, this will be a wonderful opportunity and a chance for him to learn what he can through experience.

Thank you

Merryn

[pipsy]

Hi Mez2668. I totally agree with Carmela on this issue with reminding your son of the benefits of taking his AD's everyday. Does he understand the difference in his feelings between taking and not taking. Quite often people on AD's start to feel 'better' once their system adjusts to them, then they start believing they don't require them. When this happens, you often get the situation where the patient only takes them either when he/she remembers or when they feel the need. I would try (gently) reminding your son the reason he's on them, without taking the 'heavy-handed' approach. Explain how there could be some days he feels he's managing fine without them. Let him know, this feeling is quite normal as some AD's do make you feel this way. Also let him know that this 'euphoric' feeling is only temporary and if he needs to consult his Dr for any confirmation, encourage this. Try to work with him on the method that suits him best for remembering to take them. At 23, I agree kid gloves are essential.

Lynda.

Lynda.

[pipsy]

Hi, I see my name signed twice. Didn't realize how far down the second name was. An oversight on my part.

[Cackle66]

Hi, this is my first post in the forums. I can empathise with your situation Merryn. I have a 26 year old son who was diagnosed with depression a couple of years ago. He lives with his Father about 30 minutes away from me. We have both supported him with his journey. He is currently almost finished his Uni degree (after a lot of indecision in the early years as to what degree he would do). He seemed to be doing so well, enjoying uni, getting awards for top of his class, etc. and was taking his medication. Recently he has crashed again. Unfortunately, I saw the slight warning signs a couple of weeks ago, but was assured by both him and his Father that he was "fine". Now for my intervention, where I find that he is not okay, and has stopped taking his meds about 3-4 weeks ago. I try and explain to him that this sudden withdrawal is not good. I am so distressed and concerned for him that he has slipped again... I am so proud of the wonderful person that he is, and really don't know how to help him to get back on track. He is now concerned that he has missed too much uni and will fail this semester. .... your help and advise would be appreciated.