How do I support a depressed partner who has asked I let them go?

[Supporting_my_loved_one]

I have been in a relationship with my partner for 5 years. For as long as we have been seeing each other he has suffered from anxiety &depression. The last 2 years a lot of stressful things in his life have happened and his conditions has naturally worsened for him. During this 2yrs he has kept me at a distance & hasnt wanted to call us exclusive or dating anymore yet we still maintained in all other senses our relationship. He will often go for weeks without wanting contact &found it a real internal struggle to decide if he even wanted to see me in person, however whenever we did catch up he always was glad he did. I have read everything I can about the struggles he faces, I have loved him unconditionally &of course still do & have told him oftenI am accepting of his need for space, his ups and downs & that although I wish him only to be happy, I dont need him to get better for me to want to be in his life. He recently told me he just cant have me in his life anymore (he has said this to me before), he told me he loves me and will miss me but cant take the pressure and guilt of this relationship. He told me I am amazing, I have only ever been the most supportive person in his life and am the only person he has completely opened up to with all his issues but needs me to just let him go. He says that although I dont mean to, the way I treat him (so well and supporting) he feels on a pedestal and cant take that pressure. He doesnt want me to remain in his life, doesnt want to feel like I am "holding out" for him and wants me to move on. He really wants me to completely let go of him. I love him so much that I just want to do whats best for him but my greatest desire would be to be with him and help him through. I told him I will respect his decision and not make contact with him but the door is always open for him to contact me whenever he wants and I will never stop being here for him or loving him from afar. Of course I am completely heartbroken but am staying positive with the thought that by going through this painful time for him, Im helping him.
My question is - do I respect what he has asked &never contact again & hope he will one day reach out to me? Or should I try and touch base with him in a couple of months? I just dont want to do the wrong thing by him. I worry if I dont contact again he will feel I abandoned him but I also worry that if I contact him Im not listening to him and may stress him out again. Any advice would be so appreciated.

[Neil_1]

Dear smlo

Welcome to Beyond Blue and wowee, thank you for sharing this post.  I say ‘wowee’, cause of all the feelings that you have for this man, and yet to know that you’re having to give it all up.

Are you aware at all whether he is in the process of seeking professional help?  It sure sounds like he should be receiving some kind of help, either via a GP (in the first instance) and perhaps referral to psyche for counselling purposes as well (obviously if recommended by the GP).

So you’ve been in a relationship for 5 years;  but about 3 of those were, say of the normal relationship style – and the last 2 years has been ‘at a distance’ and somewhat of a disjointed relationship;   which for me, searching for a positive here, it may just help you a little with how he wants to proceed from here;  in that at least you’re not being taken from a fully functional, loving and happy, caring relationship – and I’m not saying that you’re not all those things to him, but it seems that it’s not a reciprocated action.

The last questions you’ve asked are very tricky.  Very difficult to know what course of action to take.

All I can do is advise you if I was faced in a similar situation and I think what I’d do is (and as difficult as it would be) to move out or away and at all times, consider this is over.  Don’t try to hold on to any small strings that you hope may be linked to a change in their mind – progress with life as that last part of your life is a chapter that needs to be closed.   But please take this with a grain of salt, that you throw over your head – or is it your right shoulder?  As I’ve said, this is a tricky situation and I hope that you receive other posters with their thoughts as well.

I will send this off to you now and hope that something above has gelled with you (or triggered you to think of another option) and it would be really great to hear back from you on this.

Kind regards

Neil

[Supporting_my_loved_one]

Hi Neil

Thank you so much for your words and help. To answer your question yes he is getting help, he is seeing a psych and will now get back into seeing a psychologist as well. I konw he is really committed to getting better and is what he really wants. I get the feeling he just wants to do it on his own without the pressure of feeling like he "has to" get better for others in his life (even though I would never make him feel like that).
I agree with you that its important for me to move forward with my life regardless. However in whatever form I can, I would still love to be able to give him some support in some way even if its not ever again going to be as a partner.

[Neil_1]

Hi smlo

Thank you for your latest response and you really seem to be such a lovely caring person;  it stands out big time with how you write and your massive concern for this man.   If he wasn't so troubled with his issues, he may just realise just how special you are.  But alas, when we're troubled our minds are clouded and what should be seen as clear is just seen through a fog.

My other suggestion would be to perhaps try for some contact in, I don't know, say a month's time - a quick email or text to see how he's doing - perhaps?

Kind regards

Neil

[Pinky_]

Dear smlo,

 I feel your struggle as I am in a similar situation with my partner, however mine is in denial of his depression. He has only started distancing himself in the last 6 months and when he wanted to break up he kept saying that he loved me and that he was sorry and that he was concerned about the future. Like you I have done so much research on depression and know that he is pushing me away as I am the closest person to him and because of the illness he wants to isolate himself.

I am also confused about how I should deal with my situation because he has to realise that he needs help, however I still feel that I should message him every now and then so he knows that I am there. As lots of supportive people here and in my life have told me is that you need to take care of yourself. I have a tendency to keep going over things in my head and I know that it won't help me and it won't hell him. As much as I want to 'fix' him I know it isn't solely my responsibility to do so. It's hard to see someone you love suffer but for your own health you need to remember who you are and focus on you, and if it's meant to be, it's meant to be.

P x

[Doolhof]

Hi SMLO,

Thanks so much for sharing your story here. In any relationship it is difficult to know which way we should proceed. Is it best to stay, to let go altogether or to try to keep in touch now and then?

I don't know the answer to any of these questions! If I did so then my own marriage would be either excellent or completely over and done with!

I'd like to encourage you to do a few things that you really enjoy doing, go out and be with friends, family and other people. Build up your own strength and sense of well being and purpose in life.

It is very difficult to just hang around hoping circumstances will change without recharging your own batteries. Look after yourself as well.

It sounds like you love this guy so much. There was a saying going around years ago along the lines of "If you love something and let it go, if it returns then that it is great, if it does not return, then it is time to move on."  That is not the correct version, but it goes something like that.

I wish both you and your friend well. From Mrs. Dools

[Supporting_my_loved_one]

Hi Pinky

Thanks for commenting and telling me about your story. It is so helpful hearing about others going through similar issues. It just cements the fact that these words and actions our loved ones are taking are in direct response to the depression they feel and are not a reflection of the relationship we have with them ourselves.

The positives in my situation (and sounds like yours as well) is that I know he loves me and I know he sees me as amazing and appreciates the support I have given him. That's almost part of his issue, he has told me that he feels I deserve so much and he doesn't feel he can give me what I deserve in his current state which causes him guilt hence why he feels he needs me to let go while he focusses on himself. He has said that he would contact me if he ever felt in a better place where he could offer more but doesn't want me waiting around incase that doesn't happen (he doesn't always believe he will get better)

I believe his time apart will be long term in our story a good thing. I will give him his space and in time will reach out to him to see how he is doing. I know he will tell me if that is not what he wants. But this will be in a few months time. And who knows - he may even contact me before then. In the meantime I have plenty of things to keep me busy and smiling. My focus is to see this as a benefit for both me and him and like Neil and Mrs Dools has said - what is meant to be will be.

I would love to hear from anyone who has given their loved one their space to get better and have seen positives outcomes from this!

[lovemybpman]

Hi smlo

Well, yes, I am going through the exact same thing!! Everything seemed fine, and then all of a sudden he was away for a night (no idea where) (we don't live together) and then cut me off, hanging up as soon as his phone rang. I then got a text, saying he had been thinking...that there is no future for us. He said it will be hard but respect his decision. He returned my items to my unit, and returned the key in the letterbox.

Its day four now with zero contact. I am soooo worried, and up and down. I did send him a text saying I am here for him. It was short and non-emotional.

I have a lot of faith: I know he still loves me, or cares for me, by the way he returned my items...clothes were folded up, gifts from my recent birthday were wrapped in paper. It was heartbreaking.

I too, think he is 'protecting' me and that he is either manic or in depression. I can only hope that when his kids return from the 3 weeks with their mum, that he will realise that the kids miss me and that his family is not complete . Also... he has cut off his mum too. I so hope that, as I read, Bipolar can mean that sufferers see issues through a twisted lens: and that he will come back to me. Lets see in 2 weeks time, fingers xxd

Best of luck, I hope to see a positive outcome for you sometime in the not too distant future 🙂

[findinghappy]

Hi everyone

I am new to this site and the forums.  I feel for everyone here and thought sharing might help me a bit and maybe others. My partner and I have only been together for 8 months but friends for 25 years and dated for a short period about 10 years ago. He is an amazing person who is generally full of life but when we reconnected this time he mentioned that he often becomes depressed and cycles can last for up to 3 months where he can be very withdrawn. I have done some research but I do apologise if my terminology or understand is wrong. He has a medical background so understands depression and treatments but is reluctant to get help. He has come from a destructive marriage as have I and we have shared what has happened so I am very conscious to make sure I make him feel secure and genuinely loved. He still constantly reflects on how much his ex and previous girlfriends hurt him, tells me I'm the best girlfriend he has ever had but is waiting for me to leave - which I assure him I won't and don't want to.  Our attraction and common interests are very aligned and we have a great friendship but the depression is taking its toll.  He is very inconsistent - going from being extremely happy and on a high, declaring how much he loves me and wants to be together forever, introducing me to his children and family and close friends, having really open communication , being attentive and affectionate and then with or without a trigger angry, withdrawn, pushing me away, shutting down, not being able to work or motivated to do anything, saying nothing he does is right, not seeing a future, cold, non-committal. I try so hard to roll with it, giving him space but still trying to encourage him to talk if he wants to. I let him know I love him unconditionally, that he is a great person and makes me happy, that he is intelligent and capable - and he is all this things. If I do try to talk about our relationship he becomes quite defensive. I'm really exhausted and deflated and I can feel my own self esteem and worth deteriorating as he uses sex as an escape which generally leaves me feeling used when there is little intimacy or engagement in me.  I understand that depression is very complex and I considered this a lot before we decided to enter into the relationship but I've reached a point where my own family life, work, happiness, health and self worth is starting to fall apart.

I'm sorry that I sound so flat I just don't know what to do.