How do I help someone who

[Perisha]

I need advice on how to help my dad with depression. We havnt been close in a few years and he used to be emotionally abusive to me and my mum (they’re now divorced, she lived a few hours away, I still live with dad as he lives close to uni/work). I havnt felt comfortable to sit down and talk to him about this kind of stuff or anything in our lives. Also I majorly struggle with straightforward talking to him, I just cry and am never able to convey what I need to say. But I know and recognise that he is depressed and I’m am legitimately scared for him so I want to help him. He hardly sees his kids, can’t exercise due to a bad knee, can’t afford a better car, and has started sleeping in the spare room instead of sharing with his gf. He’s spending more and more time alone and I need suggestions on how to get him help or how to talk to him , and what exactly to say. I want to move out and pursue my own dreams but I’m scared to just leave him in the state he’s in right now. Please help

[Peppermintbach]

Hi Perisha,

What a deeply caring, generous and loving person you are. You clearly care very much about your dad, despite all that he has put you and your mum through. You sound like a truly lovely person to me 🙂

I understand that you’re very worried. His behaviour does sound as though it’s cause for concern. I feel that I can’t really tell you what to do, but maybe if I offer my thoughts, it can help you make some of your own decisions. I hope that’s okay with you...

I know you said the emotional abuse was in the past, but is it okay if I just double check if that has completely stopped these? Sorry, I know that’s forward of me. But I’m gently asking as I think the absolute top priority is your well-being (before even helping your dad).

I sense your feelings of inner conflict and sadness for your dad. On the one hand, you want to help him. On the other hand, you want to move out and start living your own life.

I wonder if maybe there’s a middle ground. I’m thinking if there’s a way to both help him and be able to move out to pursue your dreams.

A couple of possibilities include setting a time frame to living at home to assist your dad before moving out e.g. 1 year, 6 months, etc. It’s just that without setting time limits, what if he’s still struggling in 10 years time? Would that mean living at home for another 10 years? I don’t say that critically or judgementally, but more as something for you to possibly consider...

The other thing is I noticed you mentioned his girlfriend who lives with him. I don’t know what your relationship is like with her, but I wonder if there’s a chance you could talk to her about your concerns.

The reason that I’m wondering is if that’s a possibility, maybe she would be willing to try talking to him and supporting him more. If you can get her on board, I feel it could also give you a little more ease of mind that he will be well supported if you want to move out.

Also, moving out doesn’t have to mean severing ties. I feel it’s possible to move out and still regularly check in on family e.g. regular phone calls, visits, etc.

I hope my ideas, thoughts, etc help you a little. As I said, I think you’re a very kind person. Anyone is lucky to have you as a family member 🙂

It would be great to hear how things are going when & if you feel up to it. No pressure of course. I’ll be thinking of you.

Kindness and care,

Pepper