How do I help my partner with depression?

[Cath159]

Hello everyone,

I have never used a forum before. But I have no one to talk to about this.

I just moved in with my partner and he has always had OCD and severe anxiety but has been on medication that has worked mostly until now.

He just moved states and I know it's the biggest adjustment because I have done it too and we have no support where we are living and I don't know how to help him.

He is distant and rude, he has such a short fuse and anything I say he takes as a personal attack. I try to talk about it but he doesn't want too and I feel so lonely because it's just me that is here with him. Plus I have never lived with him before and it's just so hard to realise how badly he is being affected by it all.

He saw a psychologist and on the first day they just upped his medication but it's not working. And I want him to see someone else but he gets too upset and just wants to go to sleep.

I love him so much and we have always had this amazing connection. But it is going because he's just not himself and it sounds so selfish but I miss who he was before. And I feel like I'm trying everything I can cooking/cleaning/walking the dog, to try and make things easier for him.

But I'm just at a lost end. And it's early days but I wanted to know if anyone had advice?

thanks 😊😊

[Winterfell]

What you are feeling is really normal and natural, its so hard to walk on eggshells around someone and then you get fed up with doing all the things yourself and it doesnt seem to help. It can easily lead to resentment and conflict.

His distance and rudeness may well be part of a depression that is not being treated effectively. My husband gets very irritable and prone to misinterpreting things I say or do as being critical or judgemental of him. Its nothing like that its just his depression and irritability and low self worth breaking out. At times I need to remove myself a slight bit emotionally to realise its not really him its his depression talking and go and do things to make myself feel relaxed and content.

Perhaps gently broach with him that his medication doesnt seem to be working, upping it may not be the solution, it may be that he needs additional types of meds like anti depressant and antianxiety or mood stabilising type drugs and this is something a doctor needs to look at. Can you offer to support him to go to the doctor or make an appt for him to make it a little easier? Let him know you are there to help him and support him and that you love him, thats a real help for my husband, just knowing we love and support him in his battle to beat depression.

[White_Rose]

Dear Cath

Hello and welcome to Beyond Blue. It's good that you have found this site and had the courage to write in. Many people read these posts but do not ask for help, which is a shame as there is lots of experience tied up in our collective and various stories.

First I suggest you browse through other posts that are the same or similar stories. Have a good look at Supporting Families and Friends forum, which is the one you have posted on. I think you will find lots of advice and suggestions from those who have been there. Also look at the Relationship and Family Issues. This is not to say you should not have your own thread here. This is a fairly frequent topic so rather than wait for people to reply to you you may find answers or suggestions more quickly by browsing the other forums.

I am surprised a psychologist has increased your partner's medication. Usually a psychologist is not a doctor so is unable to prescribe medication or change doses. Do you mean the person your partner sees is a psychiatrist? In which case medication changes are OK as the psychiatrist is a doctor. I wanted to clarify this for my sake as well as yours. I cannot comment on the whys and wherefores of increasing medication.

You have both had a huge adjustment in moving interstate. It ranks very high on the list of most stressful events in people's lives. Was this move for career purposes? And is this true for both of you? Do you know how well he is adjusting to his new job? I presume he has a job? Again, new jobs are high on the stress list. Then to add to it all, you have moved in together. Great stuff but stressful getting used to sharing the same space everyday. So three major stressors in one hit. He has the added stress of coping with his OCD and anxiety which I imagine is off the scale, and finding a new psychologist or psychiatrist.

I'm not making excuses for him or for you. It's good when you can acknowledge the things that lead to anxiety. It may be that only time will settle you both down, plus some help from his mental health team. I'm sure this is not what you wanted to hear.

It's possible you would benefit from a visit to a counsellor but only if you think it would help. I really believe that once you have both settled in your new home and jobs have become comfortable you will find a big change. Your partner will then be able to concentrate on his therapy with the new psych.

Give yourselves time but continue to write in and explore other threads.

Mary

[Cath159]

Thank you that is really helpful. It is good to hear that even through hard times you can get through it and that it's not about me when he's acting out.

thank you 🙂

[Cath159]

Hi Mary,

That is probably exactly what I needed to hear. I have pretty high expectations and a dream like "view" of how things should be, not how they actually are. I think you are probably right about me seeking counsel because it may help me in my move and in helping him with everything he has been through.

He moved for a promotion and he is doing really well but yes it is stressful. Thank you so much for your advice. He usually doesn't have depression so maybe we really just need to settle in the place we now live and work out how to adjust to each other in a different living situation.

Sorry I wasn't clear. The psychologist suggested to up the dose and then the doctor gave that to him. But the medication he's on works fantasticly for his ocd and I'm not so sure it was the best move to up it for depression which seems like it may be a temporary thing at this point.

I am about to have a scroll through the other posts. This is a fantastic way for people to seek advice

thank you