How do I help and work with my partners GAD condition?

[Wednesday]

Hello,

My partner has GAD.

I wake up and go to sleep listening to his worries. If I disagree with his memory of something, I am wrong and he gets angry and leaves the room saying he can't cope and telling me that I am wrong though I won't admit it. Maybe I am, but surely not all the time? For people that suffer from GAD what is the best thing I can do to not fire him and his anxieties up anymore than they are.

He refuses medications and psychological help, he will sometimes use CBT.

Your thoughts?

[Ace6913]

Hi Wednesday

alls I can suggest to help your partner out is just to validate his feelings and listen really I think that is all our partners can do for us I'm currently going through anxiety and mine is health anxiety so my husband has to listen to me constantly go on about new symptoms or what new disease I have weekly couldn't even I agine how frustrating it is for him and yes if he doesn't say the right thing I'm irritated straight away because I haven't heard what I want to hear . I'm doing cbt at the mo and it is great for me it's letting me gain some control back and I can see things alittle clearer now to be honest I don't think our partners can really ever say the right thing when where in the midst of anxiety but just let him know you can see his hurting right now and his not alone wich I'm sure your an a,axing support system for him I truly believe all partners friends or families that deal with these types of situations are Amazing 😄 he might really need to consider the extra help but only he can do that and I'm sure he will 😄

[BballJ]

Hi Wednesday (fitting username for today 🙂 )

as I suffer from GAD, one thing my wife has learnt not to do is question what is causing it, because most of the time their isn't a cause, it just comes up randomly, she just now calms me down, I guess the other thing that drives me nuts is when people say "just don't worry about it" that makes it worse for me.... I'm sure your husband knows you're his support system but doesn't know how to say it! Refusing to take medication or see someone isn't an easy choice and I'm only just starting on the medication which has helped to be honest!

[Wednesday]

Hi Ace,

I understand what an awful disease it is so thank you for sharing.

I'm a good listener and I have been supporting him, he loves to talk for hours about whatever it is and it is everything and always to do with him. If he is not talking he turns into a black thunderous cloud and I feel like a target. What I have realised is that I am getting more anxious than I have ever been before. I do have some anxiety but not at his level and I can move on. He can't move on and will toss and turn all night worrying about something quite trivial.

We have talked about the different sorts of help available, but as you say only he can do it. He tells me he is sick of it and is desperate to get help, but nothing I can do can get him to a doctor.

I am exhausted and worried for my health.

Thanks again, I hope your journey with GAD gets easier for you.

[Wednesday]

Hi BballJ,

Haha.

I appreciate you writing. I may have over done the supportive, I'm here for you, we can do this together role. I would never say anything "just don't worry about it". So if your wife doesn't question the cause, do you get even grumpier? My partner can go for days in a mood. We have gone through stages where he has decided not to share and it's as bad as sharing.

I'm delighted the meds show signs of working. I wish could ask what hey are so I could look them up, but I'm not sure that is allowed on the forum. Can you tell me what the drug group is?

Thanks.

[romantic_thi3f]

Hi Wednesday,

Thank you for posting. I'm sorry that it's been hard for you and I appreciate you writing in.

You mentioned that your partner refuses medication and psychological help but sometimes uses CBT. CBT is a form of psychological help. How did he learn those skills? How do you know that he uses CBT - is this a conscious practice?

Having a partner with anxiety can sometimes feel like a lose-lose situation. Often people can feel very caught up in their mindset and cannot be convinced otherwise. It sounds as though your partner has quite a fixed mindset as he's called you wrong and walked out - rather than trying to understand your perspective.

I'm wondering if it might be helpful to ask what he needs from you? I know having dealt with anxiety for many years it's incredibly exhausting not being able to let little things go, but the need to talk about it and the need to manage or work through it can be two different things. Perhaps your partner might just need to vent - or perhaps he does need to help strategise and challenge his thoughts.

I also think it might be helpful to encourage your partner to find an outlet to express his anxiety; sometimes people find it helpful to journal and write things down, others may want to talk to someone on the phone, or even just record their voice on a tape - for the pure release of letting it go. Do you know what his reluctance to go to a therapist is? Sometimes that might be worth addressing too. There are also online courses in anxiety that are helpful but less intimidating then visiting a therapist. If you would like to know more go to - https://mindspot.org.au/

I'm also thinking that it might be helpful for you to try and record or keep track of the conversations (not necessarily in writing). Try to notice what 'triggers' the anxiety. Is it always at a certain time? Do certain things make it better or worse? What makes you 'wrong'? Helping to identify this can help make it easier as your partner may not necessarily be aware of it.

It's also okay to set boundaries for yourself if you need to - i.e. "I am listening and I do want to talk more but right now I need to get some sleep so we can talk tomorrow instead". Being on the other side of someone with constant anxiety can be at times very draining so it's okay to allow yourself lots of time for self-care and me time.

[Wednesday]

Hello Romatic

Thank you for your thoughtful post.

My partner (P) has had various counselling in the past but not found it all that helpful, hence his knowledge of CBT. P is quite fixed in his thinking, but every now and then can for a period change his mind. Though he will often revert to his original thought.

He hates and procrastinates over having discussion about any issues we have. He is always needing “to calm down” from just normal day to day activities, e.g. going shopping, going into work for a few hours, talking to a colleague on the phone. We are both quite introverted so it’s not like I push him to be bolder.

He does understand his anxiety, but I wonder whether it is so comfortable for him that he doesn’t want to be any different?

He likes me to be a sounding board, he will go over the same conversation again and again. He has enormous trouble making decisions and he does like to vent. I try not to buy in too much and ask question about the problem with him but encourage him to decide. I don’t like feeling like a parent to him.

Thanks for the online course link I’ll give it a try. He seems very resistant to trying anything new. To date I have found counsellors and information for him but to no avail. Being the extreme introvert he is I thought a journal would be useful but it wasn’t. Calling someone on the phone is new and I can try but given he screens all calls and procrastinates for a long time before making a call.

Any time we sit down together and at other times he will come and find me we debrief his day, no triggers just waking up is a trigger. I am wrong whenever it comes to family issues or something he feel’s that he is failing at. He will get angry if we are trying to fix something (more a strength of mine than his) and it doesn’t work, is doesn’t take advice either. So I am wrong for him being embarrassed I guess? I’ve leant to be very careful how I say things. Oh this is feeling like such a bad pattern!

I’ll try to set more boundaries. In the past if he can’t get it out he gets moody, which is almost harder to deal with.

Thank you Romatic for your fabulous advice it’s much appreciated. He is nice man and highly intelligent sorry if I have made him sound dreadful. I think the anxiety just overwhelms him.

Wednesday

[BballJ]

My sincere apologies Wednesday, I totally didn't see your response to me.

Firstly I hope in the last couple of weeks, your husband has been in a better space. In response to your question if I get grumpy if she doesn't ask, a lot of the time she doesn't notice, that is due the fact I hide it so well, have done for years, she notices every know and then as I am usually in a great mood, always joking around and smiling, yet when my GAD creeps up and gets me, my moods changes so she can notice, but I've unfortunately gotten very good at putting a smile one so as not to bring other people down into bad moods. I am learning this really isn't healthy and am working through it.

We aren't allowed to discuss specific medication on the forum, I'm not sure how you find out what group it is apart of but, I just know it is a anti-depressant.

How's your husband doing anyway?

Jay

[Wednesday]

Hi Jay,

Thanks for replying, it's much appreciated.

Unfortunately he is no good at hiding how he feels. I've introduced him to the website and talked about meds. But he is not interested and you know the saying, you can lead a horse to water but you can't make them drink.

It's not been an easy time e.g I just spent time in hospital with a serious super bug infection and asthma. My first night home and his anxiety about Christmas came out. I said I couldn't cope with the discussion then (I was /am still quite ill) and could I just have a hug. No hug, it ended up in a fight he can say some mean things in these times too and ended with me trying to make peace, smooth the waters and listening after all. He freezes and withdraws affection.

He is a nice man and in his heart means well, he just doesn't seem to be able to control his anxiety, or is that want to control his anxiety? He says he's to old to change. He also finds it almost impossible to make a decision, so everything has to be super analysed.

Good on you for understanding your impact on your loved ones, you should be very proud of yourself with the initiatives you have taken. Of course having to put on a facade would be absolutely exhausting and not great for you. Good luck with the work you are doing on that front. I hope the meds have made your life a lot easier.

Ava

[romantic_thi3f]

Hi Ava (Wednesday)

Thanks for continuing to
post on the forums and I'm so glad that my earlier response was helpful 🙂

I'm sorry that you are
still struggling with this and that your partner is still reluctant to get
help. I do hope though that you're feeling a little better after going to
hospital. I wonder whether or not it might be useful to see a therapist to
get another opinion on this and see if they can have any strategies on how best
to engage/respond? It sounds like some of the situations you are in are a
lose-lose, and I can see that you are very careful in how you say things in not
wanting to upset him or aggravate the situation.

You mentioned too whether
or not maybe your partner was just too comfortable with it. I do think
that there is a certain comfort in anxiety. It's certainly not pleasant
and I wouldn't wish it on anybody, but as anxiety is "all we know" it's
hard to imagine anything else. I know for me personally it was easier for
a while to continue in this cycle then to step outside of my comfort zone and
get help. You did say though that he said he was "sick of it and
desperate to get help". How does he want to get help if he's
unwilling to try anything?

Perhaps there might be
alternative solutions that he would be more open to; certainly psychologists
and Doctors can be helpful (especially if he's picked up some CBT along the
way), but there are also other non-traditional ways. People have found a
lot of relief in alternative medicine such as naturopathy, yoga or mindfulness.
I often find that it's best to build on what you know and are comfortable
with; so if he naturally listens to music - try relaxing music, if he naturally
likes books - maybe a self-help book, if he goes for walks - try walking in the
park and noticing the birds/sounds more.

I also wonder whether it
would help if you both talked about his anxiety and how it is holding him back.
Why is he 'sick of it'? How does he feel when he's anxious?
What does it prevent him to do? What could his life be like if it
weren't so weighed down by anxiety? and then looking at all that in a
broader picture, is there really a lot to lose from just one appointment with a
GP?