How can I help my husband?

[Neulady]

My husband has had depression on and off for about 10 years (I've only known him for 4.5 years). The contributing factors for his depression include dysfunctional family, chronic back pain, a past partner committing suicide, job stress and financial stress. For the time that we've been together he has been functioning quite well. Our first baby was born 7.5 months ago and my husband lost his job the week after the baby was born. He has been looking for work ever since with no success meaning that we are now in a very dire financial situation. He seemed to be coping ok until 2 months ago when he attempted suicide. Ever since he has hardly talked to anyone including me. He won't do anything with our baby nor will he do anything to help around the house. He is medicated and seeing a psychologist. However, he refuses to follow through on any of their basic suggestions like getting some exercise or establishing a good sleep routine.

I'm at my wit's end. He won't listen to anything I say and he takes everything I say as an attack. He acts like a naughty child. I understand the struggle he is going through as I have had depression in the past. But how much rope am I supposed to give him? I don't want our child to be raised in an unhappy household.

beyondblue's clinically-trained moderators often work offline (invisible to you) on issues relating to suicide or self-harm. At the same time, general supportive comments from the community are encouraged. If you have concerns around suicide or self-harm, please phone our support service on 1300 22 4636.

[blondguy]

Hello Neulady.....(Congratulations firstly on the birth of your baby)

Welcome to the forums and thankyou for posting too! I have had depression since 1997 and have struggled through using meds as a platform on which I have done well with. I understand what you are going through right now.

I am very sorry that your husband has tried to take his life. By not following up on any of his therapists coping mechanisms is a problem......as you know....to heal effectively there can be no denial where accepting treatment is concerned.

Seeing a psychologist is great but if I can ask you ....how frequent has your husbands appointments been? I still see a psychologist regularly even after getting over the bulk of my anxiety and depression (not all of it)

Does he accept that depression is a serious illness?

If your husband is still treating what you say as an attack on him he is still very sensitized and 'on edge' . I am not a doc but I have many years in 'accepting' that I had an illness that required regular visits to a counselor.

Even with depression (at any level) I understand that my illness does not permit me to treat anyone in a disrespectful or belligerent way. Depression is not an excuse for treating anyone the wrong way Neulady.

I do also understand the financial drawbacks that go along with depression. This can exacerbate depression but there is still no excuse for being out of line with you.Your health is paramount here...

If I can ask you Neulady .......what are your husbands reasons for not 'accepting' the help he has been offered?

I dont blame you for being at your wits end....In your situation I would be in the same mindset.

There are many kind people on the forums that are here for you. It would be great if you could write back..

You also have a good point about your new baby...they are like a sponge and absorb everything in their 'formative' years....

You are more than welcome to post as many times as you wish Neulady...

My kindest thoughts for you and your family

Paul

[geoff]

hello, it's sad to read your comment, because all you seem to be doing is jumping up and down in the one spot and not getting anywhere.
At the moment I hope that you are getting payments from centrelink to ease the financial problem.
There are so many problems that are affecting him at the moment, and I haven't forgotten about what it's doing to you as well trying to raise a baby, to look after the house, shopping and everything else that a house wife has to do, so it's a very continual strenuous job suddenly put upon you.
By him seemingly able to cope and then attempting to take his life is very difficult for you on what to do, because you think that he's doing well and so you're pleased, but it's something that you need to keep an eye on.
Is it possible for your doctor to put him into hospital for awhile, as this would do two things, give you a break knowing that he is safe and being looked after and secondly for him to be reassessed and medicated on a daily basis.
This can happen if you feel as though he has spoken about taking his life, because you can then ring the police and they will take him to hospital for his own protection, but they won't take him if nothing has been said.
It's seems as though it's becoming too much for you to cope with at the moment, so you too have to look after yourself and I would suggest you go and see your doctor.
There maybe talk of going to a marriage counsellor, but that's up to whether or not he will agree to it, but if you decide to go then only one or two visits won't be enough, but I have a feeling that he may not want to go, maybe you could suggest that he go to hospital or he can ask his doctor about going there.
Please I hope that can find time to get back to us. Geoff. x

[Neulady]

Hi Geoff thanks for your reply. I think it would be good for him to be in hospital for a bit but I'm not sure how to do it. When he attempted suicide I called an ambulance and so he went to hospital but they sent him home the next day and handed the pain meds straight back to him. He has seriously contemplated suicide several times since as well as asking me to kill him...the doctor is aware of this but has never suggested admitting him to hospital.

[Neulady]

Hi Paul. My husband is seeing the psychologist every fortnight though he has only had 2 visits yet. He is also on a cancelation list to get in sooner but I guess they are pretty busy. He does seem to see it as a serious illness but he isn't willing to put the effort into helping himself. He has numerous family members and friends who are ready to listen to him and talk to him but he just ignores them. I'm not sure what his reasons are for not accepting the help; perhaps he thinks that he's had too many knock backs and he isn't willing to put himself out there again. He is a very stubborn person who doesn't like to accept anyone else's point of view at the best of times.

He is also starting to refuse his meds as he doesn't think they are working (he has only been taking them for 4 weeks so they probably haven't had a chance to work yet and he probably needs the dose increased).

I feel as though he is so afraid of 'failing' that he isn't willing to try - self fulfilling prophecy.

[pipsy]

Hi Neulady. I agree totally with Geoff on this one. It would be extremely beneficial if your hubby was hospitalized for a short time. While he is in hospital, he would be seen by a psychologist/psychiatrist who would be able to assess his depression. I think it might be best if you went back to your Dr and asked him to have hubby admitted for safety and depression. Dr's will hospitalize someone if they're aware there is a need. Maybe your hubby convinced the Dr he was okay and didn't need help. You could also tell your Dr your hubby has asked you to assist him with ending his life. Perhaps the Dr is unaware of how seriously depressed your hubby is. Once he's informed that your hubby has asked you to assist, I think he will probably arrange to hospitalize him. Also with a baby, this makes getting help important.

Lynda.

[Neulady]

Thanks for your reply Lynda. I'm thinking I might try to ring the doctor tomorrow to see if hospitalization is an option. I did go through a period where I was quite afraid that he may hurt myself or bubs but he seems to be more tending to just shut himself away. My mum and his father have both suggested that hospitalization might be a good idea but after our previous experience with the hospital I'm afraid that they won't take it seriously.

At the moment I just want to leave. He won't get out of bed and he won't eat. He keeps telling me to leave him. Today he sent me a text saying that he is just a massive waste and that I would be better off without him.

[pipsy]

Hi Neulady. I hear the frustration in your voice. The temptation to leave must be really strong. It would be so easy to just pack and leave, but I think you would feel guilty for leaving someone who is so depressed. If you did leave, how long before you start worrying if he is alright, looking after himself etc? With depression, the sufferer often feels as though they're a burden. It's not that they feel sorry for themselves, the depression clouds their thinking. They feel as though they're weighing everyone down and they're being a pest. If you are able to contact the Dr, perhaps ask for a home visit. Explain his inability to get out of bed. It's not that he won't, he can't, his emotions are so strong, they're ruling him and he is unable to control them.

Lynda