How can I help him when he takes it out on me?

[misskitty]

My partner and I have been together for six years and we have 3 kids, 5yo twins and a 6mo baby. While he has struggled with mental health issues for well beyond these years our relationship has been nothing short of a roller coaster. Our twins arrived very early into the relationship and in a 12 month period we met, moved states, he had to find new job, and we were faced with not one but two babies.  The first two years of our twins' lives were awful. He was depressed and jealous of the babies, unhelpful and full of blame, most of it directed at me for making him leave life as he knew it, his family and friends to go somewhere he hated, found boring and difficult to fit in to. We sought relationship counselling which he also resented and somehow, eventually he went to the doctor, saw a psychiatrist to be prescribed medication, and saw a psychologist for around a year.

Fast forward a couple of still challenging but much better years and right around when our baby was born he decided to stop taking his medication as it was making him fat - nothing to do with the ever increasing amount of alcohol or binge eating. So under gp supervision he weaned off his meds, I thought with the intention of trying something different, but he now refuses to go back as any medication may hinder his weight loss. He has been looking after himself much more but the depression is back and he is so angry that I am at the point of not knowing how much more I can take.

I am probably not the supportive partner that he needs, but I find it incredibly difficult to be supportive when someone is constantly abusing me (verbally), putting me down and telling me that I don't care about the pressure he is under and blaming me for his depression. I know he is unfulfilled physically and this is a huge deal for him - we don't have sex very often as I can't go there with someone I don't like, and sadly I don't like him very often due to the way he speaks to and treats me. He is often angry and lashes out and just last night a conversation quickly turned and  he threw a bottle of beer across the room, told me he hates me and that I deserve a good slap and that he should just go and kill himself as I don't care. By this morning he's sorry and loves me and promises to go and talk with someone, but I've heard it all before. I don't know what to do, and I don't know how to help, and his depression is now taking its toll on me and I am miserable.

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[white knight]

Hi Miss Kitty,  welcome here on beyond blue forums

I do understand the last bit of your post, where he gets angry and abusive then a period of time later he has regret.  This is his reflection on his own behaviour that he himself cannot control. He is being very difficult but without medication your options are limited because you are always now dealing with the man that you will find hard to live with.

Somehow IMO you have to draw the line in a few areas. Verbal abuse is not acceptable, blaming you for moving states etc is not your fault. You did and recommended at the time action that you both believed was the best thing to do...no point in dragging up the past which will only result in damaging your relationship.

I think you desperately need counselling with the first step to your GP. If you put this to your partner and he refuses then you have to have a response. Tell him that you will go alone. If he wants to talk more about it then you can reply "but you dont want to go to counselling so there is little point talking more about it- we are not going to work out issues ourselves...we need help"

But whatever occurs through these steps you have every right to set boundaries for his behaviour. I know a couple whereby she always raised her voice and swore every time they argued. He told her one day "every time you yell and swear I'll walk away and wont communicate". He had every right to do that. He set the boundaries and those boundaries were in this case- reasonable. Even men feel threatened when someone yells at them.

Without boundaries some people are loose cannons. But give it your best shot and seek help even alone.

[Guest_9466]

It is so true about having boundaries especially with your depressed partner. In my case, I was the one who suffered from depression. I knew if I didn't take anti depressant, I will lose the love of my family and worse still, made them feel worthless. Ultimately, it becomes a choice and a responsibility. 

I cannot continue to blame depression for my poor choice. As for weight gain one can watch one's portion intake, commit to a healthy lifestyle such as joining the gym and exercise. Learning to meditate and love of yoga helps to keep me trim and physically fit. Learning to stop blaming others, practising self love, continuing with treatment, all these helps me to appreciate and to enjoy life. 

I hope you will seek help with or without your partner. 

[Darby_C]

Hi Miss Kitty I really feel for you, what a hard situation to be in.  Depression is a terrible thing, and of course, compassion is important.  But abuse is still abuse, and the emotional and physical safety or yourself and your children is the most important thing.  My husband was raised in a home in which he witnessed a mother verbally abuse a father and in which emotional trauma, threats, drama – were all the norm.  My husband still lives with the consequences of that experience now, more than forty years later.  It is a good start that your husband recognises he has a mental illness (my mother in law never sought help for her depression).  But your husband cannot be blaming you when his frustration rises.  It’s just not on.  Finding a good counsellor helps, I know it sounds trite.  But that outsider perspective can be like shining a light on a very dark situation.  Holding good thoughts for you, 

Darby

[Anonymous1]

I ask myself the same question. How to help when they blame you and abuse you? Say its ur fault and you changed their lives when it was only for their own good. ive fougth this battle for years and it hasnt changed. My partner and I have been together a few years now, from the beginning he has always been depressed with low self esteem. We had a happy first two years together, when we met he was on meth alot and stopped for me. Not withotu relapses but he was able to get off it. He changed from habit to habit after that, from meth to marijauna to alcohol and then he began having alcohol abuse episodes and sometimes violent towards others and himself. It took many nights of me trying to restrain him. I restricted him from alot and seeing bad people and sometimes he didnt understand my reasons for this as we were building a future i could not risk him going out and drinking and doing drugs behind my back which is what he did each time i trusted him again. Was i enabling him to do all of this by trusting him again and forgiving him? He promised me each time he wouldnt and i could trust him but each time he proved me right.. Some where along the lines he forgot my worth but before all of this we had already built a future, we were planning on marriage and started building a house and now we have our first baby on the way. Besides all of these facts, we were in love and he was the best man for it all. Now I think about it was I just blind? Should I have walked away? Earlier on in the year, he began having paranoid thoughts. I thoguht this was because he was smoking abit of pot here and there then it stopped and in the recent weeks he became paranoid. Thinking things were there when they werent, people watching him, me cheating on him, he got so consumed and I was watching him deteriote. he wouldnt sleep he wouldnt eat... It got so bad that we had to call the nurses to come and see him and when he refused to go with them, we got the police to take him. Hes been away two days. He admitted to smoking drugs again for a while behind my back. I should have walked away shouldnt i after this big betrayel? So why am i still here? He blames me for the habit? For not allowing him freedom, He hates me and his mother for this.. He says we have lost him. What is left for me to do? I was already losing him & all these qustions, why how when? How could he do this to us?  I dont know how to cope with this i look at his photos sleep in his clothes and spray his cologne.