Helping partner who refuses help

[justmeplus4]

Firstly hi, and secondly I apologise in advance if I offend anyone with my words as I realise this is a forum for those suffering, and that us family and friends can also post.

My partner refuses to seek any treatment and I am at my wits end.

About 8 years ago (before I knew him) he was hospitalised after a manic episode and diagnosed with bipolar II. His condition was poorly managed (so he tells me) and he was referred to a second psych who diagnosed him as having had a "bump in the road" (as partner tells me), or an alcoholic (as partners family tells me). Once he 'got better' he sought no further treatment. It sounds like he has struggled all his adult life, and is now early 40's.

Over the last 7 years of being together I've watched him go up and down. On the positives, when he's fully functioning he's great, he's held down a senior level job for years, and has more friends than anyone I know. Close and social friends. On the downside, he has up and down cycles that are coming closer and closer together....but they are always concurrent with binge drinking. In this time he is aggressive (not violent with me but gets in fights, verbally abusive to me), can be paranoid, can't sleep, has little or no insight into self or effect on others, is moody and unpleasant, idealises certain people and seems to display narcissistic behaviour (or at the least looks like he has a massive ego), lacks appetite, drinks constantly, attention seeks (e.g. starts drinking and then starts relentlessly calling people on the phone). This will be followed at some point by a few days not getting out of bed and great sadness.

In good times and bad he always drinks - would be drunk 4/5 nights a week - sometimes tipsy, sometimes falling over.

I don't know if he is bipolar or 'just' an alcoholic - with behaviours that mimic bipolar symptoms. I've researched BPD and he fits a lot of that criteria (ex he doesn't look like he has a fear of abandonment at all - but the other criteria he displays). Maybe a label doesn't even matter? How can a psych diagnose when he's drinking so heavily?

He's having a 'crisis' at the moment (I don't know what else to call it) where he's behaved in a way that may see him lose his job, he's been aggressive with friends, his family have had enough. He's saying he has thought about suicide.

Over the last 7 years I've begged, nagged, empathised, stepped back, cried...tried everything I can think of to get him to seek some help. I just don't know what to do anymore. He just plain refuses. Says he'd rather die than go through any sort of treatment again. Wont even just go and see the psychiatrist to 'prove us wrong'.

My life is so unpleasant....I am scared of him (I HATE being yelled at), I hate walking on eggshells, I hate being constantly anxious and worrying over what state he'll be in when I get home/ he gets home, hate being alone and responsible for everything, hate the thought of our kids seeing this, and as they get older thinking it is their fault.

Once before I told him I couldn't live like this anymore and wanted him to get help or I needed to make choices for myself and our children and two days later he said that was fine because he no longer loved me anyway and hates our life and blames us for the way he is. This is despite at all other times telling me that the kids and I were the one thing keeping him alive.

I just don't know what to do anymore. Is there ANYTHING left for me to try? ANYTHING? I managed to get him to a GP, he has a referral, but wont make the appointment. Wont let me make it either. I am trying to make an appointment for myself with his psych, and I have an appointment booked with a psychologist for later this month. Now I've got him to the GP he has started in again with the "I'm sick of you, I'm sick of the kids", which usually means he's headed to tell me he is leaving us. Do I "let" him just go (usually I play the game and beg him to stay and he does).

I love him dearly and with all my heart, but I am also feeling resentful, scared and manipulated. And so exhausted.

Please anyone...any ideas....I want him well (and when he is he is a FABULOUS person)....but I can't break myself in the process.

[Kayvee]

HI there - I am sorry for what you are going through and I don't have any real advice but wanted to let you know you are not alone. 

I am in the same boat with a husband who I'm pretty sure has Borderline Personality Disorder coupled with depression. He either can't or won't face it and won't entertain the idea there is a problem let alone get help. He wouldn't even come to marriage counselling with me, which I thought would be the first step towards therapy for him as an individual. 

I totally relate to your post - so much damage has been done to the relationship for me too. At first I had no idea what was happening and I can totally relate to what you say about walking on egg shells, I was so scared of setting him off. 

He separated from me a few months ago and I am now alone with our one year old baby. My husband won't even speak to me at all - so I have no idea how we would ever reconcile or work on things.

He is living with family who are all aware he needs help but there seems to be nothing anyone can say or do that gets through.

I know how hard it is -especially when it is not just you but your kids living through this. 

The only advice I have is to take care of you in all of this - as you need to be strong and constant for the kids. For me this has meant going to a counsellor to work on how I respond to and deal with my husband and my feelings about everything that is going on. 

I also do acupuncture and take chinese herbs to manage stress and a few physical ailments that have cropped up in my body in response to the stress. Exercise helps too and of course a few supportive mates who listen, hug, wipe tears for me. 

Like I said I am sorry I can;t offer you the answer you need - and I need to actually about getting people to help - but all I can do is advise you to look after you right now. 

Good luck.