Helping a friend

[Braisk]

Hi all - this is my first post here, and I am so glad that I have stumbled across this forum. I am trying to support a friend who says he's been diagnosed with depression.

Let me start by saying that I have had depression myself (episodic), lived with a partner with depression PTSD, etc, and supported my daughter with her depression and anxiety - I am not a complete stranger to it.

But my friend's depression has me stumped. The reason is that I don't believe he is depressed, or that everyone he feels is due to his depression. Sorry to sound so harsh. He is on very mild anti depressants prescribed by his GP for what he calls a "fuzzy head" - but he isn't seeing a psychologist. He often sends me these worrying messages "I am off work today, just couldn't get out of bed" etc - and then we message back and forth as I try and support him. He says things like "I don't know what's wrong with me - I am trying to figure it out" - - - and on and on it goes. Then I find out that he had a late night the previous two nights! so he's probably just tired!!

I feel like he's wearing his depression like a badge of honour, and seems to be employing attention seeking behaviour - creating drama etc. Everyone gets tired, and people with depression do as well, but it's not necessary to carry on about it. He seems so reluctant to do any of the basic things a person with mild depression should, i.e. exercise, get our of your own head, avoid self indulgent behaviour. He is wearing me out and I don't feel like I am being very supportive, but I am so frustrated. He lives interstate, so messaging/phone calls are the only ways we can interact.

Bottom line, is I feel he is disrespecting me and my friendship, and people who have depression. I am a single mum, with a hugely busy and stressful life, and am running out of energy to help him!

Ideas?

[Neil_1]

Hi Braisk,

And welcome to you to Beyond Blue and thank you for coming here and providing your post.

Firstly, I’m so pleased to read that you had depression but beat it. Pleased that you beat it of course, not pleased that you had to experience it. Phew, I think I cleared that up.

Now as for your friend, who is some distance away. How often are the contacts? And is it your friend the one initiating the contacts with you? If it’s both of you, perhaps you could start to not do so as often, if you feel you’re going to be receiving the same kinds of comments.

With him contacting you so much, I’m assuming he’s not got his own friends, relatives close by that he could talk too?

Just maybe you could start to let him know how busy you are and that you may not be available as much as before to chat/message – without making it sound too harsh, but to say that work is super busy, or other things, so he doesn’t get the feel that you’re wishing to ease up the frequency of contacts because of him.

I’d also be very encouraging towards your friend to get back to see his GP, and tell his GP all that he’s telling you. I mean, if he’s really keen on doing all that’s needed and choosing the right paths for help, going the professional route early on is really what’s needed. Though I do note that he’s got some meds from his GP, but just wondering how long ago that was? If he feels that they’re not doing too much for him, it could well be worth getting back to the GP for a review, and possibly an increase of dosage? Just a thought.

I hope I’ve mentioned something a bit helpful there.

Kind regards

Neil

Ps: do write back.

[Braisk]

Thanks so much for your post. I think part of the problem is I do become quite invested and then I resent it - how awful of me!

I think you're right about pulling back - I've tried to do that - but he messaged again this morning and I can feel myself getting pulled back into it. Frustrating part is that in our last message exchange, I dealt out some tough love, said I thought he was being overly dramatic about being tired, and was seeking attention. And I suggested very strongly that he needs to see a psychologist - a professional to give him some strategies including lifestyle changes - and he has just ignore it completely. I am quite angry, as I feel like he is disrespecting me.

The lack of self help is frustrating - and I have never seen anyone with depression, being so attention seeking about it - usually they withdrawal and that brings a whole heap of other issues.

Just doesn't seem like depression to me!

[james1]

Hello Braisk,

I think Neil's suggestion about letting your friend know that you are busy is a good one. He needs to know you have boundaries and it sounds like you have made yourself very available.

It does sound like his symptoms are presenting in a way that is very different to your experiences with it, and his reluctance to listen to advice must be super frustrating.

But at the same time, I think it is better to err on the side of caution. Let me suggest this: many people with depression withdraw and hide their feelings. When your friend is trying to get your attention, how do you know that they aren't simultaneously hiding their true hurt? Not just from you, but also from their doctors. Why? Well, we also know that many people with depression feel guilty or worthless. So they don't want to tell people, and yet the pain could be so great that it spills over.

Of course, this is all conjecture. But what I'm trying to say is that the same underlying symptoms can present in different, often contradictory, ways.

Children often put on their best brave face when they are hurt, for fear of inconveniencing their parents.

Still, no matter what the hurt the person is actually going through, it's not up to you to fix it. They need to talk to their GP which is why I think you're doing the right thing by trying to pull away and encouraging them to go to the GP and psychologist. Ultimately it's up to you how long you want to persist, because they seem very unwilling to go, for whatever reason which we don't know.

James

[Braisk]

Thanks James

The thing is he is telling me everything - all the details, and that's fine - but nothing seems to point to depression, but just self indulgence. Sorry if this seems harsh, and I understand the need for people with depression to have someone to talk to, but it just doesn't make sense. He is overly dramatic and seems to be happier when people are doing things for him.

But I think you are right - he needs professional help - I can't really do anything more. I certainly can't spend days at a time messaging him like I have been doing.

I am drained by his friendship and I am no help to him in that state.

[Braisk]

Thanks everyone - he has just now messaged to say he is seeing his GP on Friday to ask for a referral. phew. Appreciate the support and help. I just can't turn my back on someone with depression, but I have to maintain my own mental health too!

[james1]

Hello Braisk,

I'm happy to hear how that turned out. Like you said, people with depression do need someone to talk to but it always needs to be within your boundaries. You've done an amazing job supporting him. I'm glad you're taking time to maintain your own mental health too!

Good on you

James