Help with parents that are dealing with severe health issues

[Thomas_87]

hey all, decided to stop by as I really dont know where to go and need some help advice on how i can assit my parents who both suffer with mental health.

My parents live in adelaide in retirement like centre, I live in Melbourne. My mother has been a long term sufferer of depression and anxiety, things have spiked somewhat since a diagnosis of early onset demenetia ( mum is only 67 )

Mum's relationship with my dad is so toxic, she becomes very verbally and emotionally abusive regularly. Accuses my father of doing things or going out of his way to make parts of her life problematic, what complicates things even more is cos of mum's dementia she forgets things and has created some form of alternate reality of how things play out which only exist in her mind. This means dads ability to refute any of the outlandish claims is non existent. Any form of rebuttal instantly turns into mum being verbally abusive and accusatory.

Mum spends 80% of her days in bed, she is extremely socially isolated, any attempt to get out or do social activities usually ends up in mum cancelling last minute or accusing dad or FORCING her to do something against her while, which is completely rididuclous.

My Dads mental health is suffering significantly because of this, when i speak to him on the phone he sounds so helpless and defeated. He has lost the ability to think independantly for himself.His whole being exists around my mother, what state she will be in when she wakes, what claim or accusation will be levelled at him next and of course taking mum to her many medical appointments.

I have talked to dad about looking at putting mum into some form of respite care or getting a carer to help him but he is always resisitent gearing how mum will respond.

Must recently out of nowhere she accused dad of making them move from our family home of 40 years into a retirment village, telling dad she did not want to go and he forced her against her will. Now this is so far from the truth its not funny, mum told me and my brothers many times how excited she was about moving and how she loved where she lived now.

Im feeling really helpless, it does not help that i live interstate. This has gone on for many years now and I just dont know where it will end. Can somene please give me some advice of that to do.

thanks for listening to my story. sorry its very jumbled, im a bit all over the place after a phone call to dad.

[geoff]

Hello Thomas, I'm sorry that your thread has been missed because I know exactly what type of situation your dad is in, and no it's certainly not going to help him.

As hard as it may be for him he may want to take a step aside and let the retirement centre take over and make these decisions, especially if your mum has dementia.

It's so difficult to reason with someone suffering from this, I have had to experience this myself for someone I loved, one minute you have their attention and then within a second or so their mind is somewhere else.

The staff can handle this, distract your dad and then cope with your mum.

It's not your fault you live interstate, that's the choice you have made.

We all have to do or where we live that provides our own family with the best choice available.

Let the retirement centre cope with this, they are experienced knowing what is the best option.

I'm getting old, just as everyone else and whatever happens to me my 2 sons will need to realise that that's what happens to us.

Take care, Thomas.

Geoff.