Help with Communicating with my husband

[teamwork]

Hi all,

my husband left home a year ago saying he doesn’t have feelings for me anymore. Long story short, he has had all the signs of burn out and depression for a long time but, insists there’s nothing wrong with him. He does not want to get help or talk to anybody about his anger outbursts. He’s taken to alcohol as well, he was an occasional beer drinker. It’s been a really tough year for me. Trying to move forward managing my emotions and also supporting our 3 young children while working full time. My husband and I see each other quite often, when he visits and spends time the kids. 
lately I have noticed when I talk to him in general about his well-being, work etc - his responses are negative. It’s like he only thinks about things negatively rather than looking at things from another perspective. I sense he has issues with trust as well like he trusts nobody. He often says people don’t really care about you, they only reach out to tick a box of their list because they think they care but really don’t. His communication is very hot and cold. Some days he will text or call but, other days when I text him - I don’t hear from him all day. It does worry me sometimes because I keep thinking the worst. He is the most caring person and some days I can see how much he cares about me in his actions. He’s isolated himself from friends and family. He buries himself in work a lot! 
I guess I just want to know how best to support him on his hard days especially since he visits home 3-4 times a week and spends time here with our children. For a long time I have suspected he has depression and I want to be there for him and don’t want him to think I have given up on him even though I have chosen move forward with my life with our children after he decided to leave home. 
any advice is appreciated. 

[Bob_22]

Hi teamwork,

Thanks for your post. It sounds like you are a kind person and care a lot about your husband. It is unfortunate that he has isolated himself and turned to alcohol/buried himself in his work. You have tried reaching out to him but it seems like he is shutting you out.

You are doing the right thing in trying to communicate and text him consistently. It is hard as a carer/friend to watch someone we love struggle. One of the best things you can do is let him know that there is professional help available through the GP/psychologist and offer to go there with him if he is comfortable. It seems like he will most likely reject the option but the more you raise it I suspect the more he will consider it. Here is a link that has more information on supporting someone with depression: https://www.beyondblue.org.au/mental-health/supporting-someone/supporting-someone-with-depression-or... 

It sounds like his comments about people only reaching out when they need something is a cry for help. But unfortunately, you can only do so much and it is ultimately up to him to seek that professional help.

I hope this gives a bit more insight. Keep us updated and remember to take care of yourself too.

Bob

[teamwork]

Dear Bob, 

Thank you so much for your response. I am trying to be as supportive as possible but, most days feel I’m just failing him. It is very sad to see someone you love go through this (if this is depression) and turn into this whole other person. 
I am getting help from a psychologist - mainly to support our 3 kids as best as I can on my own. Some days I must admit as very very hard. But one day at a time. 
I do continually encourage him to see our gp or talk to someone, but I’m always met with small bursts of anger. He thinks that I think he’s crazy and there’s something wrong with him. I have tried to ask him to atleast sort himself out for the sake of the kids. But, am slowly starting to accept that you can take water to a horse and not make the horse drink it. 
Thank you again for the response Bob. I appreciate it. 

[teamwork]

Hi all. Today is turning out to be one of those hard days. I just feel whenever I try to communicate with my husband I sense and see his facial expressions and can’t help but feel he’s inconvenienced like he doesn’t want to communicate with me. It’s just his tone and facial expressions that make me feel this way. My overthinking then leads me to believe that he has built up resentment for me to the point maybe he’s annoyed with me. Or atleast that’s what his body language is like. Is this part of the depression too? 
it feels like I find something new everytime. I just wish I can have the person he used to be back. I see it sometimes but, I’m a flash I’m then greeted by this alternate personality. 

[Bob_22]

Hi teamwork,

Thanks for your reply and update. It's sad to hear that you are finding it hard to communicate with your husband. You are right in that you can only bring a horse to water. Regardless, I am sure your husband sees your concern and each time is reminded that you care for him (even though he doesn't show it). I'm sure your concern is slowly getting through to him as well. It is simply a matter of waiting now unfortunately for him to reach a turning point on his own. Being annoyed, impatient and irritable is certainly a sign of depression too. It's hard but try not to take it to heart.

Hope that helps.

Bob