Help please - recently diagnosed spouse with bi polar

[SmithR]

My partner and I have been together for 23 years, married for 10. We have 2 gorgeous children, aged 5 and 4.

My husband has very recently been diagnosed as bi polar. I don't know a great deal about bi polar, although I have been researching as much as possible. We have had our ups and downs while we've been together, but he's always been my bestie, my soul mate, my 'go to' friend. My whole adult life has been shared with him.

He has his faults, as we all do, but what I have always struggled with is his selfishness and his lying. I have never been able to understand how someone could be so selfish and have no apparent regard for anyone else, and, worse, how someone could lie, repeatedly, even in the face of overwhelming evidence of the lie. The lies can range from concealing an affair (twice, to my knowledge), to him having a day working from home, but telling me he's been to work. Of course, I only know about the lies that I find out about, which is probably a relatively small percentage of the total lies. Lack of trust and loving someone who is willing to hurt you are massive issues for me.

Things deteriorated when we had children. We had them close together (our choice) and it was much harder work that we had appreciated. I suffered post natal depression after our second child, but didn't ackowledge it and struggled for 3 years before seeking help. I have been on anti depressants for 18 months and am starting to come off them now. My memories of the early years of having two children are of feeling alone. Overwhelmingly alone. My husband was emotionally withdrawn from the family and he was struggling with the fact that he was not number 1 to me any more, he was last in line, after our 2 children. I have lots of unaddressed anger, frustration, resentment and sadness from that period of time. This is exaccerbatred by the fact that at this time, my husband developed a close relationship with a mutual female friend. I'll never know the extent to which that relationship went, and I don't believe that he will ever be truthful about it. At that time, I needed him and he needed me, and neither of us was available for the other.

His diagnosos of bi polar has been a relief in one way. It means we know what there is some explanation for his past behaviour and we know what we are dealing with. He has started on medication and we can access support. He is seeing a psychiatrist and we have agreed that we need to attend counselling together. He has also been very open with family and friends about his diagnosis, which has been a big relief, it means we don't have to 'put on an act' of everything being OK.

There is a but. I feel that I should also be relieved that his faults (selfishness, inability/unwillngness to think about others, emotional withdrawal, lack of interest in his family (predominanlty his parents) and his inability to tell the truth) can be explained, to a certain degree. They are, from what I have researched, symptoms of bi polar and we now have some light at the end of the tunnel as he has been diagnosed and is accessing help/support.

I don't feel relieved though. I feel as though he now has an excuse for his faults and that he has little/no motivation to address them. Why should he? He's been like this for 23 years and I have always been there, even after the affairs. I am starting to question why I stay in a relationship that is riddled with emotional detachment, lies and lack of trust. Am I staying becuase I love him and want to see him through it, or because the alternative is too hard? It's hard to know how to separate what is him and what is the bi polar.

I guess I am searching for reassurances that things will get better. Also, what can I/we do to help each other? I feel like I'm flapping about in the wind with no direction and no idea what to do...

Thanks in anticipation of your responses 😉

[The_Real_David_Charles]

Dear Smith,

Bipolar can be maintained - regular blood tests, counselling, various psych admissions when moods are too high (manic) or low (suicidal).  It's not such a big deal. I've with it for nearly 30 years and have had a family, some sort of career and even have tea with my mother in law on the odd occasion.

Maybe if you just accepted it rather than made a big deal out of it things would balance out sooner.  Some long term meds interfere with liver/kidney functions so that's probably more of a worry than whether your partner is "acting out" or whatever.   A bit of calm will give you the reassurance but there's no cure.

Adios,David.

PS  Stop flapping.   You need to be yourself.   Get centred.

[SGde3a]

Hi SmithR,

Initially people normally lie because of fear of being found out, and what will happen after that. Police officers are notorious for getting people to lie when they lean in looking malicious exclaming dont lie and saying "did you do such and such?". It only escalates the fear of what will happen and concretes the lie.

If you see him as scared or embarressed (despite the front) when you have found out about something, then you can go from there assuming he thinks he's going to be hurt or something similar. If you comfort him then he might just come out with it.

If all else fails i would just ask him if everything's alright if he is overly willing to hurt the people around him. There's always a trigger. He may also be in physical pain that he doesn't know about.

[Drew2You]

Hey there SmithR,

I'm new to the forum due to my recently diagnosed mental illness that is Bi Polar II and a willingness to accept condition for what it is.

I can honestly say that the condition alone does not make the overall person you are. There are other factors at play, however the primary reason for his indescretions could be confusion. Bi Polar has had a huge impact on my life and from the research I have done, it's not pretty - Distroying relationships, bringing down successful careers, carrying out outrageous acts, hightened sexual activity (either with a partner or thru affairs) conducting dangerous activities with not regard for safety. These are just a few of the things that are so  called obvious signs and/or symptoms.

I have begun meds (250mg twice a day) to no avail. My councellor has prescribed a higher dosage (750mg Total) which will be checked in a week. The dosage may need to be higher.

As for family, I to have a beautiful partner whom I absolutely adore 'unconditionally' and yes...I often neglect to tell her that. I don't think she realises that I really don't care about her weight, the clothes she wears, her hair colour etc. I love her for who she is...Unconditionally. I didn't sign a document at the alter with those or any other conditions in it. Now that's not to say I don't want to make her feel better by helping her to feel great by losing weight and fitting into nice clothes and seeing her spoil herself at the hair dressers etc.

I also have two GREAT kids that I am so proud of, but also neglect to tell. All of this can be partly attributed to the fact that your head space is a little different to the perceived norm (which mind you I would like to know what is). There is so much clutter floating around inside that you can't make out what is real, what is not, what is good and what is bad. This my dear is how all of the above mentioned outcomes occur (total destruction). I am just very lucky that I have a partner and children that are so supportive and I wish I could take every bad action back and press play again to re-write the script.

As David said above..."You can have some sort of career". The problem I have with that statement is the fact that you may not be able to hold down a job and cruise along with new real goals or career progression, or you just simply push people away, which in my case is what happened. My long term career suffered in a way and I managed to push away great friendships and working relationships. As I said earlier, bi polar has the ability to destroy everything in life you cherish or work hard for.

As for your actions, you must decide what to do for yourself. But a word of advice, don't give up on him, because like me, I have no doubt he loves you immensely like I love my gorgeous wife and kids and deep down we are actually good people that are pre-programmed with a few crossed wires. Nothing that can't be changed though with the right help.

The best thing about Bi Polar is that it is manageable and dramatic changes can be made with the assistance that is available - I just wish I could see that now, but it is still early days.

I'll keep you posted on progress, but I believe you'll be fully aware of the changes for yourself.

PS. Don't throw away a 23 year partnership, because you just never know, you may just get the best years of your lives together over the next 20 plus years.   

[The_Real_David_Charles]

Dear Smith,

Looking back at situations and getting an angle on them with the knowledge that bipolar (or anxiety) played a part is a very rewarding and revealing activity.  I'm not sure what we bipolar's can do about pushing people away - it's a problem with the mood swings and the over socialisation.  Sometimes just picking a very clear time to end a conversation can avoid any further potential arguements or making things uncomfortable.

Reading back through the thread/replies I get the feeling that you have all the tools to really deal with this. Attending counselling together is a big plus.  Being open about it is even better.    Your marriage has a lot of understanding.  Plus, you can monitor things and call the Police or get Hospital help,etc, whenever the bipolar becomes unmanageable.  There's a lot you can do for the good of the family.

I'm not sure why I wrote "stop flapping" earlier.  Bit minimising.   Maybe I just meant you've got to keep things together because your bipolar husband won't all the time.  I seriously recommend controlling access to finance as some manic moments, when a bipolar will dream up grandiose unrealistic schemes, can leave your finances totally empty.   One time I paid out over $30k to book the Opera House as my musician/composer status means I will veer off towards making huge musical plans thinking I am a mega star !  Bought 3 cars as well once.   It's really hard to recover that kind of manic spending so best be careful.   The fact that your husband lied about his work (home/office) is a good indication of fiscal sabotage too.

It's really the over communication that ends up biting back.  Fun turns to disaster.

Adios, David.

[Nat_R]

Hi, just looking on here for the first time. My husband was diagnosed bipolar 5 years ago after 10 years of antidepressants. We have been together for 25 years, and like you spent our whole adult lives together and have 3 sons, teenagers now! I can relate to your story. I found it difficult to get my head around is it him or the disorder, but finally came to terms with the fact that it is all him , its not going anywhere! We have worked hard together to keep life in perspective but the most important thing that has kept us going forward is his determination to do everything possible to feel the best he can. He researches and looks for doctors and support groups that suit him. We have agreed to be honest with each other-our challenge was financial secrets. Debt i was unaware of-stressful times. I think the best advice is to face it (took me a long time) and take responsibility for your actions and  I had to look at opening my eyes and asking hard questions and talk talk talk through it. But remember, you need to look after you too. Make sure you take time out . Bipolar is just one part of your life. Don't let it be the only focus. Take care and remember you're not alone  🙂 keep smiling, it gets better with knowledge and understanding. Join a support group for carers if you can. They are great because you don't have to explain yourself all the time, we get it!  Its tough for us too and thats ok, we still love them 🙂 ARAFMI are great support network for carers

[hope1978]

Oh my gosh. Im so grateful to be able to read your post and hear of similar experiences. Everything you said, the lies even in the face of getting caught out, disloyalty, pretending to be at work, withdrawal from family... It's frustrating and I only wish the answer was a matter of finding the right medication. We are still trying to work through it, manage the Bi Polar and have a good life. I couldn't trust my husband as far as I could throw him, unfortunately. It's sad.

[Nat_R]

Hi Hope1978 - It's been 2 years since I posted in here and there has been a lot of positive changes for us.  Life is good!  We researched how nutrition and natural minerals can help to restore the balance in our brains - without the side effects - mostly by following Dr John Gray's advice and using the Isagenix system - it's all very interesting.  I have my husband back - it's been a long road to recovery - but so worth it.   There is a light at the end of the tunnel.....  diet, exercise and work/life balance = happy days and a bright future.  I hope it helps you both get back on track - it is possible - we are proof 🙂 Take care and have a very happy Christmas x