Help needed

[Unsure77]

Hi

i recently walked out on my bi polar fiancé as it got abusive and nasty. I wish I had read Tony's post about the cuppa before doing so, I'm not a confrontational person at all, the is sure I cheated on her which I didn't as she contacted the person and was told the same thing, but still didn't believe either us. She told me she loved me and things would change every time I went back but never did. The last time I went back she hit me again so I walked. It's been nearly three weeks now I haven't heard from her. Her family hate me as they all think I cheated on her, she has told them I am a compulsive liar. I love and miss her so much.

have I made the right decision by leaving, not that I think I will ever see or hear from her again. She is all I have thought about since I left.

[Guest9337]

Good spotting the cause of your worry. You are waiting on a response.

Fantastic to acknowledge that its great to be seeing your kids again for 4 months.

Afraid of resolving with ex wife. Risking loosing kids again.

Unconvinced fiance will take meds/talk with therapist. Nothing change.

****

You pack in the feelings into your posts, very deep writing, thanks mate!

I could randomly pick any one of those, or have you pick one. Which one needs the most work for you?...

1. Seeing causes of worry...

2. Being great with seeing your kids...

3. Resolving with wife, in such a way to avoid losing 3 too.

4. Convincing fiance to take meds and see therapist.

Are you hoping that if your ex fiance takes her meds and sees therapist she will then also take you back?

[Unsure77]

I am hoping she takes her meds and speaks to a therapist and maybe takes me back. I know I will loose me kids and friends. I always thought she was my soul mate from the start .

[Guest9337]

So cool man I see that soulmate connection. It's nice to feel hopeful but sometimes it turns sour.

Are you in control of her taking the meds? Nope. So your hoping for something out of ur control.

Likewise therapist. That kind of hope is associated with hopelessness metacognitively.

There are things u can do to work towards increase chances that she takes you back. Options list them... please...

If we put aside every one elses actions and responses to us... What exact actions can you do to improve your chances of keeping contact with your kids.

I imagine you'll work very hard to keep a soul mate. I have epic ups and downs with my wife over 15 years... even unto me leaving for a few days, or her looking up divorce processes. So I hear ya.

[Unsure77]

Your right dng I can't make her take her meds or see a therapist I guess I could say if she does want this to work she has to do those things otherwise it's not going too. This is of course if I get a response from the letter. I know when she cleaned out the house she kept a few bits of clothing of mine, not sure if that was to be for remembering me or not.

I can send her flowers if I know where she is at or I get her new number.

as for the kids they would be very disappointed in me as I have gone back several times and ended up hurt every time. She has generally taken my phone from me as for control so I can't keep in contact with them.

there is a lot saying don't go back to her bit my heart tells me so much different, I can't stand to be apart from her. This has been the hardest longest 3 weeks of my life it's consuming me.

[Unsure77]

Im not sure how this works with people with bi polar but will she ever believe I didn't cheat on her if she goes back on her medication and will she ever trust me again? Or once they are convinced something has happened it will never change?

[Guest9337]

Hey Unsure77, I just reached another feeling about your situation because of a particular bit of info I see.

"She has generally taken my phone from me as for control so I can't keep in contact with them."

That is one of the very powerful warning signs of abusive behaviour. Isolating people is known technique of domestic violence perpetrators.

If that phone is your only contact with your kids, you NEED it back big time! Like go the the POLICE kind of big time!

I'm still here mate... all day.

[Unsure77]

I went through three phones going back to her. It never changed. That's what worried about trying to get back with her if nothing changes

[Guest9337]

No wonder you are so unsure about going back, you are essentially going back into a DV situation.

I'd be unsure about that too, armouring right up, reaching out to allies, having a escape solution, having specific objectives about going back.

Detailed hard core plans. DV is not something to face alone.

So do you want me to look at your situation from that point of view, ie. finding a way to reconnect with a violent and isolating person who is keeping my children away from me?

We can aim for that if you want.

[Unsure77]

We can do dng I also lost my employees because of her. This is why I continually ask myself why I still love her and want her so much. She also accused me of gas lighting her and her family.

[Guest9337]

You must love her very much to want to do this. ok. I love a person who abused me too.

First, I'm pretty confident everything we've already gone over still stands. Metacognition is going to guide the way forward.

We have to layer things. And this will be tough extensive work. DV is highly risky.

If getting back with HER definitely means losing contact with your kids - like just straight accepting that and breaking off - do you want that? Or will u be ok with negotiating about it.

So if HER says, u can never contact them again if you want to be with me? Is that goodbye or ok?

but if instead there is negotiation open then consider the following...

How little contact with my children is going to be acceptable to HER?

HER might say, phone them for xmas and birthdays. or whatever... Have a think about those options what might they be, prepare to examine metacognitively how you feel about each answer.

What do you discover?