Hello all! I'm caring for my wife from a distance

[27ducks]

Hi everybody

I feel like I have so many different things going on, its hard to find the most relevant one to put first!

In a nutshell I am feeling very isolated, lonely... very anxious. Largely as a result of trying to care for my wife as she does her best with mental illness.

My wife (we've separated due to both of us experiencing depression and anxiety) was recently taken to hospital for the fourth time this year due to her depression. Some stays have been voluntary admissions and others (like this time) have been emergency situations.

Yet I feel like she has done everything 'right' to be mentally healthy. She has attended all sorts of therapy sessions and adjusted to a lot of new medications. She is open an honest with her experiences, and often asks for help when she knows she needs it. She has placed her trust in the doctors and professionals around her, and has made such an effort.   

However, life keeps throwing things up that haven't helped. Work issues for herself and her parents (and the financial strain that brings with it), good friends moving interstate, relationship struggles between her and me. It's definitely one step forward and two steps back. 

Over the years (around six years now), I have tried to do what I feel is right for us; stay in the relationship, and help her through her worst days. I am only now coming to realise the toll it has taken on me, juggling roles of boyfriend/fiance/husband with being a carer.

I have myself been diagnosed with chronic depression and anxiety. My social life, professional life, study, finances, family... every other part of my life has taken a 'backseat'. Suffice to say I am now feeling a void where my friends should be.

It is so hard to witness what she is going through. And to transition from watching over her every day, to just popping by for a weekly (or fortnightly) visit. To try and focus on myself a little. 

I think I've scratched the surface of my story. Thanks in advance for reading my post. 

[Zeal]

Hi 27 ducks,

I just wanted to say welcome to the forum!

I don't have any concrete advice for you regarding your complex situation. I just want you to know that you seem intelligent, rational, caring and selfless. Though now, it is important to start allowing yourself time to build up aspects of your life that were and still are important to you.

Besides being diagnosed with chronic depression and anxiety, have you attended sessions with a psychologist or other professional? Doing so now could be very beneficial. It really does sound as though your mental health concerns have taken a bit of a backseat. As you say, other aspects of your life such as your social life, finances and family life have also been jeopardised because of the dedication it has taken to care for your wife. This is admirable, but it is important that you look after yourself too.

I hope some carers and others with similar experiences to you will reply 🙂

Best wishes,

SM

[27ducks]

Thanks SM! 

Yes, I have had a few sessions with a psychologist over the last year or so; something I will definitely keep up and perhaps even go more often too. 

I'm also taking medication as well, and in fairly regular contact with my GP about everything.

Thanks for such a quick response, I am looking forward to exploring the forums, hearing more stories and getting some further advice  🙂

[Kbet]

Hi 27ducks,

It is commendable how much of your life you have committed to making your wife feel like she has your support and comfort. Some men tend to take on the role of protector and provider so completely that they forget they need love and support also. I know it is hard to step back and take that much needed time for yourself but you will find it will benefit you and your wife more than you know.

Your wife has done all the right things. Mental illness is a daily struggle as I am sure you know. She has reached out and is dealing with everything as best she can atm. Now is the time for you. You need to focus on what you can do to make your life a little easier. Seeing a psychologist and keeping in regular contact with your GP is a good start.

I wish you and your wife all the best. Hopefully now you are both seeking help you can move forward together.

Thinking of you both

Kbet

[27ducks]

Thanks Kbet! 

Things have recently gotten a lot more complicated, and it doesn't look like I'll be caring for her in the same way I have been anymore.

I absolutely agree with you and feel that now is a time for me to focus on my own needs a lot more. Thanks for your encouragement

[Guest_1055]

Hey 27ducks

You sound like such a caring, and loving person. I don't have any advice or anything. But I just wanted to say a warm hello to you.

 Shelley anne xxx

[Hypatia]

HI 27 Ducks,

Just a note to say I feel your story very much. My partner (husband) has severe depression, and we've been dealing with it together for around 18 months now, although his symptoms go back longer, and I feel at the end of my rope a lot. I particularly find it difficult to cope when he does all the right things, and just gets worse anyway. It makes everything feel so futile.

I'm not perfect at this, but it is has been a long learning curve for me that I *must* look after my own mental health, even when that means making myself less available for him 24/7. I struggle a lot with anxiety myself, and when that balloons out of control, we're left with no-one functional, and the risk of both of us going down is pretty high. We both try, not always successfully, not to have a dynamic of "sick person" and "carer" as the dividing line in the relationship, acknowledging that our relationship is both more than that, but also that while we have different limitations, capabilities and health, we need to try to stay mutually supportive, and allow both of us to have needs. It's very hard when he goes down though, as his world shrinks to his own needs pretty quickly, and I can be left feeling like managing everything, including my own anxiety, is just something I have to do.

I make a real effort now to keep my friends around - which means bringing them into the loop, so they understand why things are different with me than they used to be. This helps because it gives me a frame of reference that isn't just depression, things to talk about, ways to see the world through more positive prisms.
Carers provide enormous amounts of support to mentally ill people - parents and partners particularly. Sometimes, because everyone recognises how valuable this is, it can feel like there is little space to discuss pulling back from that, or the point at which providing care becomes unsustainable. I can imagine this transition is awfully hard for you, but it also might be what you both need at the moment. In the long-term, you will be more valuable if you are mentally, financially and life-wise more stable.

I feel like this was kinda rambly - but I'm glad you are here and please keep posting!

[27ducks]

Thanks Hypatia and Shelley Anne. 

Today I visited her at hospital and she is hurting so much. She just can't see a way out.

We aren't together anymore, and that has been heartbreaking for me. To be separated after less than a year of marriage has been horrible. And to know that really, neither of us are at fault. We have both suffered with depression and it was too much for us to sustain a relationship in that way.

You are absolutely right, the work carers do is amazing and so necessary. I'm sure there are people out there who have done everything they can, and had to pull back from being emotionally burnt out. 

It's definitely where I'm at now. It just hurts me to think that I could be adding to her pain by stepping out of her life.  

[Kbet]

Hi 27ducks,

I am sorry to hear of the breakdown in your marriage but I can understand the reasons behind it. Maybe when you both are a little stronger you can build a friendship together. I think it is commendable the way you have taken the whole process. Your mind seems to be focussed on getting better and the fact that you can visit your wife and still show compassion when you are struggling yourself is amazing.

So now working on who you are and your mental health has become priority which is terrific. I am on a slow journey that has only just started but I had to make the hard decision to stop doing things for everyone else and start trying to take care of me. You said that it hurts you to think that you could be adding to your wifes pain in you response above. I think you both are in pain and you both are struggling and it isn't anyone contributing to the other, it just is. Don't weigh yourself down with thoughts of blame and or the what if's. now is time to find your smile. to take back your life and to make yourself strong again.

Good luck on your journey and let us all know how you are going.

Thinking of you!!.

Take Care

Kbet

[27ducks]

Thankyou so much for your encouragement kbet 🙂

You are right, it is a hard thing to stop chasing after other people's wellbeing and focus on your own. Intellectually I know that it is the right thing and that longterm it is healthy. I hope that it is working out for you as well, and that you feel better for placing priority on yourself 🙂

I kind of feel like a big ship that has to suddenly go in reverse. The engines are working full capacity and the blades are spinning in reverse, but the momentum drags the big ship onwards. I'm trusting that the engines will slow the ship and eventually get it to move the other way...