Getting my husband back

[Neilzy]

My husband suffers depression and anxiety but won't take his medication. I also found out he loves another woman, I found messages on his phone confronted him about it and we sort of talked about it and said we would move on and put it all behind us. He still messages this woman (she is a friend of ours well his I don't want anything to do with her) and if I make comment about them being in contact still he denies it when I know they are. When it first come out she was telling him to go and reignite the passion he had with his wife but this hasn't really happened, some days he's good and we are like we used to be and the rest we are more or less just house mates. I love him with all my heart and when I first found out about it I said to him I will never leave him as I was in it for the long run and that's why we got married. When he was on his medication he was really good but then decided he doesn't need them. Yesterday he hid in bed all day as his depression raised its ugly head. This person he has feelings for he used to live with her, her husband and their 17 year old son. I believe that when he suffered his breakdown last year and left his old job and started and new one and moved in with these friends the woman was having deep and meaningful with my husband and vice versa and they were telling each other what they wanted to hear. Some days I feel so alone and it's just me and our 8 year old son, hubby stays back at work and drinks and comes home late and drunk. I just want my husband back to the way he was who cares if he has to take medication I certainly don't I just want back what he had and her out of the picture which will never happen as their son and my husband race speedway cars together so he will always be involved with their family. I believe in karma and think their little bubble will burst and whatever they think they feel towards each other and have will come to a head sooner or later. I've bee told by a friend that she has changed her phone number which my husband has the new number and this friend also was told that the woman and her husband have split up, but I don't if it's true e or not. Think it's time for me to go to the dr and get something to help cope and pit things out of my mind.

[Carmela]

Hi Neilzy, welcome to Beyondblue and thank you for reaching out.

I am sorry to read of your marriage difficulties. I can see from your post that your husband is behaving in a way that is causing you concern and unhappiness, and it also sounds like he is not making an effort to address it. Unfortunately as a partner, you can only support them but not live for them. If he is not acknowledging that there is a problem, there is little you can do but be open about how you feel and let him know that you are there to help where and when he needs it. However, l was concerned to read about his relationship with the other woman. My question to you is, do you find this acceptable as it seems to be continuing even after your discussion? What are your boundaries on what is acceptable and unacceptable behaviour in your relationship? By accepting his behaviour or attributing it to his depression, will negatively impacting on your wellbeing. Would it help do you think, if you could both express your feelings to each other in a controlled environment with a marriage counsellor? I feel it time to get your feeling out and make him understand how unhappy you are with the current situation.

It is vital that you look after your own mental and physical health as you have a child to care for. Please make sure you take good care of yourself. Build a strong support network and be kind and forgiving to yourself - and take some time out. Getting professional support is a great positive step forward to maintain your mental health as partners are in most cases the secondary sufferers.

I hope I have been of some help Neilzy. Don't forget about you and don't accept second best. You are worth more than that for you and your son.

Carmela x

[HappyGilroy]

Hi Neilzy

I feel I can relate with what you're going through. My partner and I both work at the same business. She found a "gimmick" of a man at work to spend time with that started with a chat about how he bought the same thing for lunch each day. He ended with him being a sort of support person for my partner because they could talk without judgement

I found that she had been in contact with him even after I mentioned feeling uncomfortable with the whole situation

I went with the flow because I thought "if it helps her with her condition then it's worth it". She started wanting to see him outside of work and be his friend. Most partners shudder at the thought of this situation however I couldn't see the harm if it helped with her condition. I only ever asked that she helped make me feel comfortable with the situation

long story short. It reached a point where she was lying to me to cover up their conversations, she even ran away one night and slept on his couch

The result was me breaking down at work and the inability to function. I spent an hour in the nurses office as a broken man. The advice I received was that I needed to remove myself from the situation as it was tearing me apart. My partner didn't respect me or the energy I was putting towards helping her. After I composed myself, I returned home, collected some belongings and moved back in with my parents

Given that you're married with a son, I can only imagine the amount of pain and anguish the situation is causing and how hard it can be to consider giving up what the two of you have built. In saying that, you can't allow somebody to walk over you when you are putting all your energy towards supporting them

Time away doesn't mean you've given up on them, it simply means that you've decided to give yourself time away from a disrespectful partner. There is a lot of information outside of what we've both written that makes each of our stories unique to each other and It's not fair for me to assume I'm an expert on what you're going through however it's sounds to me like you're living both your lives through his actions. You need to look after yourself, you need to be happy in fact you deserve to be happy

If he is as invested in your marriage as you are, he will come around. His condition will still be there and work will need to be done but like my partner is showing now, he too might become a more reasonable person, give up the other woman and respect you for standing by him

[geoff]

dear Neilzy, I'm sorry for how this is turning out for you, and when your husband denies talking and seeing this woman then there is a big problem, especially when she and her husband have split up, and I would presume for the same reason, that she is seeing your husband, so now there are 2 families in trouble.
We can only wish that people who need to take any medication that they do, but unfortunately they can't be forced, even knowing the consequences of what may happen, but because he's seeing this other female he would feel as though he has no need to take them, but he has to realise that this isn't what he should be doing, because I wouldn't think that their relationship is going to last, but not at the moment.
Love has so many different meanings and can vary in how we say it to those who we need, or what connotation such as a kind gesture or a caring term or just plain love when we say it.
What is the likelihood that he may live with her for a short period of time, and actually if this does happen then their breakup will happen much quicker and he may then decide to take his medication.
I'm sorry what I have said may seem to be cruel, but what I do worry about is that it will continue on.
It would be a good idea to go and see your doctor, but the underlying situation will still be there for you to try and cope with, as medication can certainly help, but it won't stop the main problem from going away. Geoff. x