Floundering Parents of a 23 year old

[Uncertain_Mum]

We have a 23 year old son who has been suffering with anxiety for the past 6 or so months. He had been living out of home and when this started he moved back for support. We thought that this was a great move and we organised a counsellor to help assist him. His visits were monthly. As time progressed our son decided to leave a job he thought he was unhappy at and moved to a job with much less hours and higher expectation. This has caused him to display more depression type symptoms (some days I feel like I can see the black dog at his heels) and he sees his counsellor fortnightly and we have gone with him a couple of times. Things don't seem to be improving, he is becoming more demanding, creates stories about situations rather than fact; it takes a great deal of time to talk things through (his dad is wonderful with this, but travels a great deal) and I feel as though I am watching my son disappear. He says he hates people and doesn't trust women (1 bad brief relationship has stuck with him). He is now waiting on a uni offer and my gut feel is that he might not get in (his past results were not good) or how he will cope living away while going to uni if he does get in. He struggled with school and I see disappointment if he fails. I am normally upbeat, but I am worried that there is a crisis looming. We have tried to discuss plans for when he gets into uni, and plans if he doesn't. The explosion was huge and then he would not discuss further. We have discussed this with his counsellor, but he has not discussed this with our son. I have suggested medication, but the counsellor is not keen on this, but the GP has suggested it to him. I sometimes feel the counsellor is being overly supportive of the family/son situation, maybe to 'soft'. Our son tells him stories of how well he eats, exercises and that he is meditating, etc., but he diet is very poor ( he became vegetarian and eats very little veges, no fish, no eggs, etc.) he rarely exercises and spends much time in his room. We are becoming increasingly worried and frustrated as we watch him walk further into the abyss. Help!

[Lady_Jane]

Hi Uncertain Mum,

I'm not sure if you're still checking these responses, but I hope things are going alright.

I very much sympathise with you, and your son. Having been in your son's position and having recovered, I can see what my parents would have had to deal with.

My first suggestion would be to find a new counsellor. Based on your description I am not filled with confidence in their ability to help your son. I have seen countless psychologists and counsellors in my time, and all of them are different and not all suited me. It took my a long time to realise this and stop being dismissive of all psychologists. You could even try branching out a bit further- hypnotherapy really helped me when nothing else was working.

Personally I refused medication. I saw it as a last resort, convinced I could beat this on my own (my mother was also very against medication). However, it is certainly warranted in some cases, and perhaps here.

But I would seriously consider a new psychologist. Or at least explain to your son's current counsellor the situation from your point of view, and why you don't think he's improving.

With the help of appropriate counsellors (which I chose myself in the end, based on how I felt in my gut about them), I've made a good recovery. I still have slip ups and bouts every now and then, but I am skilled and education enough now to know when I need help and how to get it.

All the best. Please let me know how things go.

L. Jane.